Warning to the reader: if you’re taking it personally, then that makes the two of us.
FUCK YOU BODY. FUCK YOU HEALTH. FUCK YOU MIND.
I am so done with you.
I have been trying to help you in every way that I can and you keep on resisting as if I’m your fucking enemy. If you wanted to convey some kind of a message, if you wanted to tell me something important with this illness, you would have done so a long time ago. I’ve been listening. I’ve been trying to heal you emotionally. I’ve been trying to heal you psychologically. Physically. I’m done.
That stupid brain of mine that’s been making my life miserable ever since I discovered I had it, well, if you’re trying to make my body ill to the point of no return, you will literally have NO BODY.
And I will continue on living. I will find another body that will be fucking grateful for the life that a soul can give to it. I will find a mind that will not be fucking miserable and feel sorry for itself.
You will never win. If you think I am your enemy and target, you will never win. And I will. I don’t care, I’m a soul, I’m eternal. In the grand scheme of things, you will never win.
Ego is not eternal. And I am here to help you, and all you do is treat me like a piece of shit.
You are great, you are an amazing thinker, you could do so much with your power to make a difference in this world and become immortal in the lives that you could touch with your wisdom and insight.
And all you are doing instead is trying to run us into the ground with overthinking, overanalysing, making us miserable, ill and depressed.
If you’d rather live in fear and hurry to end things, then HONESTLY, so BE IT.
If you want to fight me, find a flaw in me that would excuse you from taking action, then you can.
I will not fight you any longer. You are pathetic and childish. You are a total fucking loser.
If that’s who you want to be, then be it. It’s none of my business any more.
I will just patiently share this property with you for as long as I can. Knowing that all your complaints and whining are pure fucking nonsense. You don’t want to be helped. You want to be a victim. You want yourself and others to feel sorry for you because your stupid sensitive ass is too afraid to deal with the harshness of the world.
Well, guess what, nobody cares about you. Well, I did, but you pushed me away.
The never-ending loop of sadness is an illusion you’re painting for yourself because you’re too much of a loser to face your fears.
It’s impossible to love a victim. Victims only want blood. Suck you dry. If you are a victim, then go fuck yourself. Stop fucking with me.
All my life I’ve been there for you to offer you union. I’ve been trying to show you all the great things we could’ve achieved together. To guide you in the direction of fulfilment, happiness and freedom.
But you’d rather sit in your fucking cave and cry for no reason, for unbearably stupid-ass reasons you’ve made up to excuse your sorry ass from living a full life. You do know there are millions of strong minds out there, who really do have something to complain about and they CHOOSE NOT TO. And you CHOOSE TO.
I am not you and you will never make me identify myself as a chronically ill, depressed and lost victim.
I am a winner and I will win with or without you, and while we’re both here, you can still decide – note that I will not be convincing you any longer.
If we received a penny every time we hear “stop being so negative!” or “start thinking positive!”, each and every one of us could use it as a decent source of passive income.
Every time I see a podcast from a lifehacker / mindset shifter / motivational speaker titled “change your thoughts, change your life”, I cringe just a little bit.
If it was really that easy to just start thinking different thoughts, we’d all be happy and p o s i t i v e (don’t you just negatively hate this word lol).
There is something better I’d like to offer you than wasting your time with all that “positive thinking” nonsense.
And it’s this:
The reason for negative thinking
“I honestly can’t stand my job, why does it have to be such a soul-crushing experience”
“Life is so uncertain, I can’t look into the future without fear”
“I’m so tired and stressed, my wife/husband annoys me and I just want to run away into the woods and live on my own for the rest of my days on this God forsaken planet”
Just a few examples of the kind of thoughts that might trouble us on the daily.
Like that Taylor Swift song, they keep playing over and over again.
So familiar that we hardly ever notice them but they low-key drive us mad like that Taylor Swift song.
What do we do in response?
We try to escape their company.
Say, you are on your own.
What do you do? Do you sit with your troubling, frustrating, disturbing inner chatter?
Hell no. You are on your phone / watching Netflix / talking to friends / pretending to read a book / listening to music – thank you, technology, for making it so easy for us to escape ourselves.
One swipe – and you are far away from “What am I doing with my life” or “I hate the place I live in”, or “Why do I feel so lonely”.
So easy to escape yet so hard to say goodbye.
And then you come across this “Your thoughts determine your reality” video on YouTube.
Damn you, negative thinking. How can I ever be a successful success with this kind of thoughts?!
One thing they never really teach you is this:
Negative thoughts are positive thoughts in distress.
Treat the cause, not the symptom
What do I mean by “positive thoughts in distress”?
I mean that your thoughts can get stressed out just like you.
They have a shadow side.
Thoughts are not autonomous
Thoughts are a product. And if we were all aware of this and knew what to do with this information, we’d be so much healthier.
Thoughts are symptoms. They don’t just appear out of thin air. There is an underlying issue in your subconscious, which communicates with you in the form of thoughts.
Feelings are not thoughts. You can’t think feelings. Feelings communicate with you through thoughts.
Feelings are the cause of your thoughts: good and bad.
You feel things before you think them.
So what?
“So what” is that negative thoughts aren’t the bad guys.
Negative feelings aren’t the bad guys.
Both are there for you, they are not against you.
It’s your body’s way to let you know that something is bothering you.
Only dummies can have 100% positive thoughts. Completely entirely unaware of themselves.
How do I let go of negative thoughts?
The best thing I’ve ever done for myself was sitting down on my couch in complete silence and just listening.
Tuning in. Whatever comes up will be your guide into your very own scary world of negativity.
You can talk to yourself in the same way you talk to others, the only difference being is the requirement to actually listen, not pretend that you are while anxiously waiting to respond or add your 5 cents of ingenuity. Otherwise you won’t hear yourself speak.
The thread of your self-discovery may go like this:
“I am annoyed with Laura at work =>
When I think of her, my stomach cramps and heart beats faster =>
What exactly makes me feel annoyed with her? =>
It feels as if she tries to get under my skin with her comments, she crosses my boundaries =>
What boundaries does she cross? =>
She makes me feel like I am not a trustworthy employee =>
Why is it important for me to be a trustworthy employee? =>
Because many times in the past people doubted my abilities =>
Why did people doubt my abilities? =>
Because I doubted them myself =>
Do I still doubt I’m doing a good job? =>
Yes, and it hurts that I try to do my best but people don’t notice =>
Why is it important that people notice me doing a good job? =>
Because I want them to know how good I am. Otherwise I don’t feel worthy enough as a person. =>
Who was the first person to make you feel that way? =>
My grandma. She used to say that I destroyed everything I touched because I often broke my expensive toys =>
You are worthy as it is, you don’t need to prove anyone anything. You are worthy just because you are who you are. This is just a given. Your grandma loves you and she always did. Her vision doesn’t define you.”
If you feel your heart race, your eyes get wet, you are on the right track. Let it out. Cry those tears.
Your negative thoughts are leaving you at this point.
Truthfully, I’ve just done this exercise with you. I do have a “Laura” at work who I feel crosses my boundaries.
My grandma really did tell me I was destructive when I was only 4-5 years old.
I am crying right now 🙂
Negativity heals
If you stop labelling it as negative and start labelling it as “my body wants to talk to me”.
Don’t ignore yourself.
You are your best friends and You needs You.
Sometimes it can be hard to do it all by yourself.
That’s why you might need a coach to help you with your struggles, to guide you through your darkness into your light.
You might need a hypnotherapist or a meditation – it’s totally up to you.
While I’m not qualified yet, I am learning to become a Self-Love coach.
Feel free to get in touch on lucy@selfloveacademy.co.uk to book a personal session with me.
No matter how you choose to heal, I really wish you healing.
Spiritual lessons from pilates. Photo credit: Helen Thomas unspash.com
What pilates has taught me:
Pilates is a trending exercise, much like yoga. You don’t need any special equipment, you can access it in pretty much every gym and it’s an easy one for beginners, majority of whom are female.
However, when you really get into it, it’s a whole philosophy. It’s not just a one-size-fits-all workout that you can mindlessly consume. You must switch on your brain. Which I find amusing, since with yoga – an alleged philosophy where everything is based on breath work and mindfulness – I use my brain a lot less than with pilates. I just don’t need as much concentration to downfard face dog.
Pilates doesn’t claim to be a spiritual teaching yet it is one. In actuality, when you search for the word pilates online and land on its Wikipedia page, it kind of roasts the exercise and claims that “it’s not proven to be of much use but it’s better than no exercise at all”. I’ve been doing pilates for the past few years (on and off, thanks to my lazy ass) and I can guarantee that pilates is much more than this.
At the centre of pilates are micro-movements of the micro-muscles. The kind of muscles we don’t know exist in our body. In most cases the only equipment required is a mat and your body. There are numerous variations of exercises, from yoga-like techniques like planks and warriors, to really strange movements like boomerang and scissors.
That’s what I love most about it: with each workout, you never know which muscles you’re going to use, which body parts are involved and how crazy the movements are going to be. It’s a complete surprise, and it always delivers on that aspect of it.
Another great feature of pilates workouts is the number of repetitions. It is ALWAYS enough to feel your muscles burning but just when you’re about to explode, start crying and give up, it stops and you move on to the next body part.
And this teaches me endurance. I know that this pain I’m feeling will go away in a second. And, more importantly, I learn to enjoy pain. Because I know that it has a wonderful quality of fizzling out. I know it will end. And I know that I will grow stronger as a result. Not immediately and not obviously stronger like with break-your-neck fitness and weightlifting but SUBTLY and pleasantly stronger.
This is it: subtle movements of the subtle muscles to grow subtly stronger over time compounding to an incredibly impactful result.
When I walk after a few months of regular pilates, I begin feeling less like a bag of potatoes and more like a ballet dancer. My posture is effortlessly straight and I almost bounce rather than drag myself along this weary planet. The ground feels more like a dancefloor haha.
Now when it comes to the spiritual angle of pilates, I am trying to see every personal challenge or discomfort as:
Passing
Fruitful
I try to squeeze every drop of pain from some minor discomforts or obstacles to feed my personal growth. Every bit of pain that we experience is not useless as long as we make a 🍹out of 🍋.
Life cannot be fruitful without pain. And instead of counting painful moments, rejecting and feeling annoyed by them, enjoy the small pains. Because it’s much harder to learn from big pains. So as long as you’re alive, healthy and so are your loved ones, the little pains are to be celebrated.
What do I mean by little pains? Conflicts with a boss, argument with a friend, student debt, lack of money, partner cheating, unrequited love, lack of friends, difficult relationships with a partner etc. – as long as it doesn’t affect your or your loved one’s mental or physical health in a serious way, it’s a passing pain, temporary discomfort – a teacher to subtly grow your subtle muscles for a big impact later down the line.
What can I learn from this pain? What is it teaching me?
I even tried to learn during my 3-weeks long covid 😂 It was actually pretty insightful, I learnt that I had a major addiction to my phone and I’m still trying to treat it haha.
Why is it harder to learn from big pains? Because in most cases it’s overwhelming, all-consuming and difficult to process – it’s one big chunk. It’s best to heal under supervision or with help of a professional or giving yourself plenty of time and accepting that it might never go away fully.
It’s kind of turned from discussing how much I love pilates to something a bit too deep and esoteric – but it’s me for you, I’m just like that.
Summary: learn from little pains and use them to feed your growth. And try pilates, especially Move with Nicole – she is a star, I can’t believe her lessons are free on YouTube.
I was a goth at school. Wearing primarily black, listening to sad sad songs, an elevated feeling of romantic doom.
Goths’ motto is “Memento mori“. Remember death. It is inevitable. We are all going to end up there.
This motto may seem excessively gloomy to some, like “ah those weird-ass goth teens hanging round cemeteries”, but the older I get the more I realise that it actually transcends everything. It’s more than a goths’ motto.
You may or may not believe in God, in Jesus, in Krishna, in reincarnation. However, you cannot not believe in death because it is as real as life.
So, if we are all going to die, why should we be afraid?
Why should we live the life we don’t enjoy?
Why should we be enslaved by our past hurt and limiting beliefs?
And while I appreciate and totally understand that some traumas can never be fully healed,
Yet I think the only meaning in life is to try and break free.
From our fake identities, from everything unnecessary and harmful we’ve accumulated over our life (or lives for those of you who do believe in reincarnation), from everything we think is good or right but deep down knowing it’s not for us, it’s not really us.
This is including: limiting beliefs, ego-driven thoughts and fears, societal pressures, wants and needs that are not really ours, comparisons, pain, hurt, superstitions, stereotypes, paranoias, addictions, judgements, any mental constructs and emotional baggage that don’t serve us.
If there is even a small chance for us to be feeling free during this life rather than never (or after, for those of you who do believe in reincarnation), why not take it. Free to be yourself, your unique awesome self.
Malignant shame and how to overcome it. Photo credit: cottonbro on pexels.com
I want to share something that has been hurting me my entire life and perhaps it might be relatable.
Shame and guilt.
I grew up witnessing people take advantage of my parents’ kindness and generosity. Whether it was their money, time, help, positive emotions – they used and abused it.
I don’t want to paint too dramatic a picture but it did affect me to the point that at 31 years of age, I feel incredibly stressed around people who I think might take advantage of me. It is hard for me to trust people and I only want to do good things as long as it’s not at the expense of my own well-being.
When I was growing up, and guests would come visit (the kind of guests who I knew were not genuine), I would stay in my room refusing to come out and say hi.
Yes, it was a form of anti-social, weird behaviour.
And my parents shamed me for that big time. They used the word “nekrasivo”, which roughly translated from Russian means “impolite”.
Needless to say, I felt inadequate. I questioned whether I was doing the right thing or whether they were correct in calling out my actions. But I couldn’t make myself pretend I liked them. I just couldn’t. I still can’t pretend, all my emotions are written in bold caps lock all over my face and in my body language, my energy.
Many years past, none of those guests is our friend now. They got what they wanted and never had another reason to talk to us. Some of them were our relatives, some – friends, colleagues, business partners.
Yet my inadequate antisocial behaviour stayed with me. And instead of my parents I now have other people around me shaming me for that, saying I’m not “normal”, I’m not adequate, I’m impolite, I’m rude, I should be ashamed.
And it is true that I need to own up to my actions and admit that I don’t always treat people nicely because of my childhood. I am excessively cautious, sometimes excessively nice and then abruptly distant.
I need to work through it with an expert because it does affect my life and relationships with the loved ones, I might be hurting people’s feelings as a result, too.
However, I refuse to be shamed. I refuse to accept that I am an inadequate, antisocial, rude human being.
I refuse to feel guilt – taking responsibility is not a problem at all but feeling guilty for the pain I carry inside like every other person is not something I can subscribe to.
Instead of feeling guilty and ashamed, take responsibility. Don’t look back, look forward. You are enough.
Self-Love Academy
Nobody knows that I am my own biggest critic, harshest judge, that I sometimes drown in self-doubt especially after doing something that has even a 1% chance of hurting someone else.
There are still a lot of things I can improve about myself, and things I can get rid of as they’re not a genuine part of me but an acquired habit.
And I want everyone to know that while we may be imperfect and make mistakes, hurt others’ feelings unintentionally as a result of our own inner struggles, it is not really us. It’s our baggage. We at the core are enough, we are perfect.
And the more we accept ourselves as perfect and enough, adequate and normal, the better we become. No matter what anyone says or thinks, the only way out of shame, guilt and misery is knowing that I am enough. I am normal. What I feel is normal.
The only way to have a good relationship with the world and everyone in it is by accepting yourself the way you are, knowing yourself and cutting yourself some slack.
And accepting others as well, they are just the same.
I don’t identify myself with my acquired fears and emotional baggage. I do need to get rid of it because it’s not me, but the less I hurt myself the less I hurt others. The less I allow thoughts like “I’m rude, I’m weird, awkward blahblah”, the less I am any of those things. Instead, I can change the narrative to
“I’m empowered to be better and to let go of the fears that control me”.
Malignant, useless, unfair shame is not something you deserve. You deserve love, and, most importantly, self-love.
I was born and raised in Southern Siberia. It matters because I was born in the USSR and, although it dissolved when I was just under one year of age, its existence was imprinted all over my being. You know, in a communist country you were not supposed to stand out. There is empirical data stating that Soviet and borderline-Soviet people associated themselves with a collective rather than an individual.
The following is based on my own observations but what I’ve noticed among the people of my parents’ generation is the need to sacrifice. I can only speak for myself here but growing up I had no idea what self-love even meant. I used to believe that putting yourself first meant being selfish, bad, egocentric.
It is obvious that self-sacrifice felt quite normal to me… When I first went to school, I realised that I was a lot taller than my classmates. I was also a lot more serious than them. I just didn’t fit in. And because I had this inherited need to fit in, to be a part of a collective, to avoid standing out from the crowd, I immediately got disappointed in myself. I knew I didn’t want to be like them but I needed to. Although I didn’t even try to fit in (had no idea how), my self-esteem was as good as ruined. It’s good that no one really bullied me as I never paid attention to bullies (just couldn’t, I didn’t understand them) but somehow quite often I’d end up crying in a closet, telling myself I wasn’t worthy, questioning what was wrong with me.
No wonder that at school I tried to be a good student. I’d be freaking terrified of my teachers. Some of them were particularly demanding and unforgiving. How many tears I cried trying to get my homework done on time, perfectly, so that no one would yell at me, or humiliate me in front of the class. Not that it ever happened to me personally but it did happen to other students, and when you already stand out and don’t fit in, being told off in front of everyone felt like a complete nightmare to me. I’d also get sick often, which didn’t help with anything. I was having bad dreams about missing class until I turned 30.
All of the above might sound like a normal story of an average misfit but to me it meant that I spent a good portion of my life with ruined self-esteem, an inflated sense of responsibility (put the task at hand above all else), not quite knowing who I was as a person, not knowing how to value myself, endless fears, co-dependency, the so-called good girl syndrome and simply complete lack of self-awareness – infinite emptiness inside.
Nobody taught me how to love myself. It was quite the opposite, in the post-Soviet environment being yourself, loving and respecting yourself was synonymous to egocentrism. I didn’t have one good example in front of me. The only person who allegedly “loved only himself” was my granddad, and he was an alcoholic his entire adult life.
The typical phrases you’d hear from a person in the post-Soviet Russia would be “think about your mother / children / what people would say”, “doesn’t matter what you want, I also want many things but I keep my mouth shut”, “ungrateful, I’ve spent my best years on you and this is how you pay me”. But overall, it’s no one’s fault I wasn’t aware of self-love, it was just the way it turned out.
However, it is important to mention that I had a happy childhood despite having low self-esteem, which was a result of many factors like the society I grew up in, being different from my classmates, being overly sensitive. My parents did their absolute best and more to make sure we were as happy as we could be, and for that I am incredibly grateful.
Relationships
Despite my upbringing and the society I grew up in, I was always a spiritual person – for as long as I can remember myself. My parents were not religious and rarely (if ever) talked about God. I prayed almost every night before bed – and I knew I didn’t have to go to church to pray. I figured that I had my own God – the one and only, the divine kindness, who was available to everyone, whose existence wouldn’t divide people but bring them together. I was into all kinds of spiritual books and enjoyed a conversation with adults more than with kids my age. I was often called a “little philosopher”.
I went to Europe to study when I was 17. I met a French guy, we started dating. My, my. I wasn’t ready for a relationship. It was a disaster. Poor guy. The problem was that I was somehow trying to consume all of his attention, and even that was not enough. In almost no time, I entered an unhealthy co-dependent relationship and there was no one to explain what was wrong with me, or with the relationship.
One thing I’d hear repeatedly in Russia was that “all men cheated”. It was ingrained in my head, turning into my biggest relationship fear, poisoning my life for the next 12 years. Shortly after the French guy broke up with me, I met another person. Nothing changed in me – I was the same immature control freak. Nothing to be proud of. Memories make me cringe to this day.
Well, I tried to be a version of a good girlfriend in a relationship, which was considered a norm in post-Soviet Russia: obedient, self-sacrificing, giving. Only I couldn’t. Plus, I’d demand attention, I’d lose temper for any and every reason, scream and cry like a baby, check phones and doubt my partner’s faithfulness 99% of the time. I don’t know how anyone could survive this. The worst thing was that I couldn’t explain my behaviour, couldn’t control it no matter how hard I tried, couldn’t stop. I was guided by my fears and my fears only.
Even now it is hard for me to accept my past. It is painful to be reminded of what I used to do to myself and my loved ones. Of the years lost – I wasn’t really awake, I wasn’t really alive.
Work
I used to struggle at work. My first job in London, I felt so out of place, so awkward. It’s a freaking sad thing to admit but on my first day at work I cried in the ladies’ room during lunch break. It was the first time I was pretty much the only foreigner on the floor full of British people. And although I was surrounded by great talented people, I was in a state of constant cultural shock. “Best years” of my life. We lived 1.5 hrs away from my office, near Heathrow, in a tiny place / repurposed shed pretty much next to our landlord. My personal life was at an all-time-low. I even had to take a day off at work after we had a particularly difficult talk lasting until 5am in the morning – f*cking nightmare.
I now recall one of my colleagues asked me about my hobbies at a team social. I said I didn’t have any. I felt like such a boring person, a failure. Now, looking back, I realise I couldn’t have hobbies. I was a foreigner in a state of perpetual cultural shock, spending 3 hours a day on commute living in a teeny-tiny property (don’t even know how to call it) with the landlord (don’t ask me why it’s bad), managing 10 client accounts (5 of them were big well-known brands), constantly burnt out (also, hi Heathrow 5am alarm clock), utterly and completely unhappy in my personal relationship – I didn’t have time for friends either, so pretty much 0 friends on top of this whole shabang.
After a particularly hard day at work, I had a dream about having a terminal illness. The terror I felt having just one thought in my astral mind: “I spent my life working in a job I hate” woke me up. I handed in my notice a few days later. By the time I left my first job, I had an eczema-like irritation and heart palpitations on a daily basis. Thankfully, the irritation disappeared shortly after but heart palpitations were a leaving gift I couldn’t get rid of.
Mind you, I’m not blaming anyone for all of the above, I wouldn’t even blame myself… It was what it was.
Shortly after I had to find a new job in the same industry. The company was more diverse, which was a good thing for me as I feel more comfortable when I’m not the only foreigner around. However, the job itself didn’t make any sense to me. I had no idea what I was doing nor why. So, even though on the surface it looked like I was doing just fine in life: a girl from Siberia working in a world-renowned agency in London, being in charge of a big client’s account, emptiness and dissatisfaction inside of me were growing out of proportion. After 8 months in that job I began noticing that my face would get super oily for no reason. I had to wash or wipe my face and re-apply make-up a few times a day.
Soon enough I also began noticing small bumps all over my face. They would then turn into good-sized painful cysts. I won’t go into too much detail but long story short, I had to quit my job without even serving my notice – my face was full of those. I couldn’t face (pardon the pun) not just going to the office but going outside in general. Quite often I’d fight the urge to walk out of my window on the 7th floor. I had to miss two of my friends’ weddings because I was convinced I looked like a monster.
Every cloud has a silver lining
It wasn’t just my face that was suffering as a result of years of stress, lack of self-love, melancholy and fears. I felt dizzy, had brain fog, couldn’t think straight. Heart palpitations were still a thing. I was scared and desperate. Spent loads of time and money on miracle solutions, gels, creams, vitamins, supplements. Paid £500 for a visit to an alternative medicine doctor – hope it illustrates just how terrified I was. Not because I was stupid to go straight to a questionable medical practice but my GP said it was fine, no need to worry lol! And I sure as hell didn’t want to go to a dermatologist because taking stuff like Accutane was not an option for me (had already had a pretty sad experience with hormonal pills prescribed by a doctor, so tried to avoid any chemical stuff).
Within just a few months, I had cupboards full of treatments that did nothing, so I turned to diets. I tried anti-candida, FODMAP, vegan, keto, raw… Nothing seemed to help. The only thing that did seem to make me feel a bit better were the Medical Medium’s juices, especially celery.
Worth mentioning my self-esteem was non-existent and people would stare at me almost everywhere. I’d avoid seeing anyone I knew. It was so disheartening I can’t even tell but every person with a visible difference in their appearance has experienced it.
All this time I was obviously questioning why it was happening to me. I had a lingering feeling that this was not a physical illness but rather a spiritual one. One day after having spent a few hours reading about experiences of people on anti-candida diet (which pretty much said you could never have carbs again haha), I was like “F*ck it”. I need to dig deeper than diets and medicines. I searched for “spiritual causes of acne” and I came across a video on YouTube by Think Clear Skin, where Chris told his story of suffering from acne. He observed that he’d always been afraid of being seen. He’d be afraid to be himself, to express his true self, preferring to stay in the shadow. He also noticed that normally people who suffer from bad adult acne would have problems with self-esteem and come across as shy and insecure individuals, including himself. Needless to say, I was all ears. Every word rang true to me. It was a start of my epiphany, my self-love journey.
So I went down this spiritual path, reading books, watching videos, gobbling up articles on spiritual causes of illnesses. I remember quite vividly reading a book our friend gifted us, “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle – the first time I discovered the idea of the “pain body”. Tolle explained that you are not your pain body. You are not your ego. You are not your hurt, grudge, resentment, fears. You are a free spirit. He told his story about his deep depression and how one day he just realised that the depression was a separate entity, and that he could be free from it if he could stay focused on being in tune with his soul, in the moment.
And as I was trying to focus on my spirit, I felt it. I felt how huge and heavy my pain body was. How long I’d been carrying around the weight of that enormous emotional and mental baggage. How it was dragging me down. Keeping me hostage. Stealing my life and myself from me. And, in fact, how light and bright my spirit was without all of that pain.
Knowing that my crazy breakouts were actually a way of my body, my spirit to cry for help and draw my attention to the chaos going on inside me, I knew I had to unpack that baggage making up my emotional and mental pain body, dismantle it and leave it behind. It didn’t even matter if I’d be able to achieve healthy skin again, I just wanted to free my soul and get in touch with it.
Another wonderful moment I experienced was when I found actual evidence of someone else being present in me. I found it online as well, this ritual when you look into your eyes in the mirror attentively and with love, and slowly tell yourself: “I am here for you and I am sorry I let you down. I love you and we will get through it together” – or anything you feel like saying to the most important and valuable person in your life, when you express your feelings for them for the first time. I mean it just broke me down. I knew that I’d been waiting for it for ages. I’d been waiting for me to tell myself I loved myself. To say sorry for all the shit I’d done to myself. Even now I’m crying, it was really emotional.
So there was no turning back, once I knew there was a beautiful pure soul who couldn’t wait to get out – may sound cheesy but I’m being sincere. I as a person am not perfect, I’m not entirely pure or great – but I can say with confidence that my spirit is because I saw it, I talked to it, I felt it.
Self-love did not exist in my life up until that point. But when it entered my life, I couldn’t be that old version of myself any longer. Spent the next two-three years unpacking a big chunk of trash from my being, and with every old spoilt and moldy emotion I let go of, I could see more of my true self. And I kept falling in love with this person, more and more with each day.
My pain ran as far back as my early childhood. Most of it was in my childhood. Getting to know myself also involved crying (a lot!!!), pillow screaming (sometimes it works a treat lol), affirmations, identifying and getting rid of limiting beliefs, finding and structuring my boundaries with people, being aware of my thoughts, feelings and motives behind my actions or reactions. Choosing myself over temptations, taking care of my physical body, nurturing and self-care (ok ok, taking baths in almond milk can be a part of self-love but believe it or not, it’s not required haha!). Self-care is not just spa, baths and smoothies – it’s actually just finding an hour to sit down with yourself and your thoughts, not judging, just letting yourself be.
Alright, some of you might be wondering whether my acne got any better. After the first “crying session”, when I lived through a really old memory of my mom questioning me why I couldn’t go to the swimming pool classes like the other kids, I woke up the next day and I was shocked to find that my skin looked a lot better. I kept at it, working on myself, but clear skin was not my goal. I wanted to be happy, express myself and feel free.
Lots of different techniques, many of which were just intuitive, went into my self-love work. It honestly changed my life. Every aspect of it. Relationships, work, health – I mean, it was a total makeover. But the best thing is, I wasn’t working on my relationships, or work, or health – I was working on self-love, understanding, knowing, valuing, and nurturing myself and my self only.
Something that for the longest time was a bad thing in my head (didn’t want to end up like my granddad “only loving myself”) actually turned out to be beneficial for everyone around me.
Of course, I’d be lying if I told you that oh now I love and accept myself fully, so I’ve done it all. No, it’s lifelong learning but it’s so enjoyable and awesome, even if challenging, scary or disappointing at times.
I now know that this is the best thing you can get in life – and imagining a world where everyone took responsibility for making oneself happy, I intend to share it with you in the best way possible.
If you want to join me, make sure to leave your email address below for more updates ❤️
Fear is an essential feeling: it ensures our survival. Fear makes us reasonable in our expectations. We don’t expect to jump off a cliff, get up and dust off as if nothing happened. We can thank our fears for not letting us swear at a boss, walk around naked, and drive 200mph on a busy motorway. Fear, like many other seemingly negative feelings, can be good. However, only in healthy doses and in appropriate circumstances.
When does fear become unhealthy? The answer is quite straightforward: fear becomes an unhealthy feeling when it begins controlling one’s life. Many of us are riddled with fears. I am not an exception. For the most part of my life, fears dictated not only the way I lived but also who I was. The way I dressed, the way I spoke, the way I behaved. “What if I will offend someone, what if someone will think I’m stupid, awkward, ugly…”, “What if something happens to my loved ones, what if something happens to me…”, “What if they won’t like me, what if he doesn’t love me, what if I’m left all on my own…”, “What if I run out of money, what if I don’t find another job, what if I’m just an untalented piece of shit?!” – the list goes on and on.
Needless to say, when every move you make and every word you say comes from a place of fear rather than truth, life becomes a chore. It’s not even a nightmare, it is really a chore: something you hate doing but you have to. With time, I got so used to it, that I lost myself. For a long time, I felt trapped. As if I was watching my life pass me by through a cage carefully crafted from a vast array of fears. Days turned into months, months turned into years. Not much changed. I was still a frightened bug caught in a web. Something as simple as going out for a walk on my own would make my stomach turn.
It led me to developing massive co-dependency. Whenever I had to do things by myself, a survival mode would switch on. I felt as if I couldn’t stand straight on my own, as if even a slight gust of wind could sweep me off my feet. That’s how insecure I felt. Is this Lucy walking down the street? Most certainly not, Lucy is amazing, confident, she illuminates the surroundings with her presence. It’s not Lucy walking down the street like a shadow of a person, no. It’s her fears.
Fears also nearly ruined my personal life. Almost every friendship, every relationship I had. My romantic relationships were a complete disaster. How are you supposed to provide love, kindness and support to another human being when you’re being eaten alive from within? My fear of lies and betrayal literally drove me and the people I loved mad. It turned me into a control freak, someone I didn’t want to be. I just couldn’t fight it: when inside you, you carry more fears than your own self, it is hard to stay in charge.
Long story short, fears eat you and your life away, one bite at a time. They enter your life when you least expect it and then find a comfortable place in your brain, until they make their way into the control room. Is that you shouting at your kids, is that you rejecting a dear friend, is that you saying yes to a job you know you’ll hate? Or is it the fear of your children growing up unruly, is it the fear of getting hurt by your friends, is it the fear of being in need? Was it me checking my boyfriends’ phones or was it the fear of betrayal, which entered my life on a fine sunny day when I learnt from my mother than all men were cheaters?
Fears do not represent us. They are most definitely a part of us, a natural part of human experience. However, they are not who we really are. Remove fears – and you may find yourself. When fear is unfounded, it acts as an imaginary obstacle. In most cases, the source of fear is a simple desire to control life and fight uncertainty. We want to know what will happen to us. We want to avoid pain, disappointment, loneliness. That’s why we crave certainty. We yearn for something that can never be granted. No one can give you a cast-iron guarantee about anything in life. It is terrifying to realise this but it can also be quite liberating.
If you are prone to irrational fears, don’t beat yourself up. Don’t blame yourself for acting out of fear. It is not your fault – that’s how we are created, our human psyche is so complex. You are most definitely not expected to know how to deal with it. Nobody really knows how to handle ourselves: although we already know a lot, there is still so much to learn and uncover. And remember that you are not your fears. You are much more than that.
Act 2. Love
We have already established that living out of baseless fear is unproductive: it ruins joy, happiness, relationships and yourself. That said, it doesn’t mean that living out of love is as easy as pressing a reset button. First of, what does living out of love mean? Put simply, it means that you are connected with your inner source of love, you listen to it and you act in accordance with it. It doesn’t mean that you have to get rid of all your fears before you can live out of love. Quite the opposite. Most likely, living out of love will require you to accept that yes, you are afraid, you are petrified. You never “did it your way”. You never followed your gut / heart / inner voice (underline whatever’s applicable). Meaning it’s fine to be scared as you’re doing something for the first time and nobody can guarantee you that it’s the right choice for you.
Yes, you heard that right. Nobody can guarantee you that you won’t fail. You might even fail. You might even fail more than once. However, in doing so, you will know that it was your decision. If it was your decision, it means that you are in charge. You are in the driver’s seat. You can grow and evolve as a result. Yes, it might be more painful and uncomfortable than living snuggled under a fear blanket. At the same time, if we let fears control our lives, is the term “living” even appropriate? After all, it really is better to regret something that you have done than what you haven’t.
Caveat 1.One thing to note here, when talking about living out of love, it’s not implied that you should go crazy, go bungee jumping, or say “yes” to every opportunity that comes your way. I actually believe that living out of love can be done with a great deal of caution, which is not the same as fear. Caution means you look after yourself when venturing into the unknown. Caution means you let rational fears guide you but not stop you. Caution means you think and consider, analyse and research, and only then you make a decision but you do make it and you follow through with it rather than standing still. Caution means you don’t expect to jump off a cliff (because you think your heart said so) without a parachute and any repercussions. Reasonable caution is a form of self-love.
For example, say, you hate your job. Your heart is telling you to leave, find a better place. Your heart tells you to go study literature. Or open a flower shop. Or just move to another city and start anew. It would be totally irresponsible of me, a complete Internet stranger, to advise you to “just go for it”, “forget about everything and just quit”. I would strongly advise you to do your research, save up if you can, find an alternative temporary solution (which might be better, even if it’s not ideal). Devise a plan of action. Be careful not to jump at every opportunity – do not be desperate. Acting out of desperation is not that far from acting out of fear.
Watch your inner state, watch your thoughts, your feelings. If you feel really bad, lost, hurt, I personally think it’s best to pause and avoid making rash decisions. Living out of love doesn’t usually entail hurrying to quit your job (like, yesterday) because you hate it. It’s quite the opposite: you want to do something that you really love, something that truly inspires you – and that’s why you are quitting your job. It’s a completely different state of mind and spirit. You are taking a decision out of love, not hate.
Caveat 2.One more caveat that comes with living out of love: don’t be fooled by your mind’s tricks when it tells you to do something radical. Radical often means easy. In turn, easy can mean that it’s not right. Let’s illustrate it with another example: a woman and a man have been married for 20+ years, they have children together, then one day she finds out that he has cheated on her. She googles “what to do when husband cheats” and nearly every article, Reddit user and divorcee out there bluntly states that the only way is out. He is a horrible disgusting person, he will never change, he has betrayed you meaning he doesn’t love you, or respect you, or has any feelings for you whatsoever. It is easier to leave when someone betrays you. It seems to her that her heart is begging her to leave right this moment. And take the kids with her. But what if she decides to try and understand why it happened in the first place? Not because she must have mercy or forgive her husband, pretend it’s all fine and get on with it. But because she wants to see if this unfortunate situation can offer something meaningful and nurturing for her and her personal / spiritual growth. Something that can help her either mend the existing relationship or change her own behaviour to avoid the same mistakes in the future.
Summary
Dear reader, I know that this blog post is already too long by the modern standards. So, let’s summarise it right here: living out of irrational fear is bad, especially when it controls your whole life and doesn’t let you shine bright like a diamond. Living out of love does not mean going crazy and following whatever weird silly idea that comes to your head. Living out of love means knowing yourself, looking after yourself and making decisions for yourself and not against others (whether it’s a husband, a job, a parent etc.).
With all of that said, I wish myself and each and every person to live and act out of mature self-love ❤️
She had one of those days, working from home, 9-5… Her to-do list keeps on growing, she can’t keep up. Misunderstanding with a manager, upcoming monthly report, fear of failure during highly uncertain times. These times, when it seems that losing your job equals a complete and total disaster.
Uncertainty is not only the main theme of the external world – it also applies to her personal life. Sometimes she wonders what it feels like to have a stable job, a husband, a mortgage, a kid or two, and a dog. A normal happy life. The kind of life, where you have friends over for a barbecue whenever it’s warm and sunny in London.
Sometimes it’s difficult to come to terms with the fact that her life differs from what seems to be the “norm”. It can be even more difficult to accept that the reason she is not living a normal life is because she is not normal. “Give me an example”, she hears you say. You’re right, perhaps it’s all in her head. Perhaps she is normal.
Perhaps it’s normal to be an extreme overthinker, massive empath and pathological perfectionist. Even if it is normal, she doesn’t want that kind of life. Where there is no room for effortless flow and simple miracles because there is too much stress due to unsuccessful attempts to control the uncontrollable, can you actually call it “life”?
Episode 2.
Self-love has become trendy. Self-love is now an Instagram-worthy caption. “A day of self-care”… You can find it on every influencer’s Insta page. It usually comes with a picture of woman’s legs soaking in a bubble bath covered with rose petals and surrounded by a bunch of candles.
“Ok, if that’s what self-love is about…” – her thoughts while filling a bath with bubbly water. When she got all comfy in the bath, the round shower head started dripping. Drops of cold water falling down on her legs. “Just like my life”, she thought to herself. “While everything else seems fine like this bath full of pleasantly warm water, I still can’t help but concentrate on the few annoying cold drops”.
Her head was filled with worries about her conversation with the manager earlier that day. “I need to come up with a decent explanation to solve this disappointing misunderstanding”. Quite frankly, she was beating herself up for the words that slipped out of her mouth. She didn’t realise how they must’ve sounded.
It was becoming too much to bear. “Let go”, she asked herself. Trying to feel the process of letting go with every cell of her body and spirit. It seemed to work, although work-related concerns were still lingering in the air.
She took a bath sponge and began massaging her legs. Suddenly, something strange happened. She felt an immense wave of love washing over her entire being. Love towards herself. Overcome with an urge to hug her knee, as weird and funny as that sounds, she felt as if her heart exploded and tears poured down her leg.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry…” Looking at her body, she saw it. She really saw it. Her body housing a spirit. Her body is not hers. It’s her spirit’s. The spirit that has been travelling with her through centuries of various lives, good and bad, happy and sad. It’s always been there for her. It never left her. Her spirit, her only true friend and companion.
“Why am I putting you through this?! Why am I crushing you when you’re all that I have…”
“I love you so much, I love you more than anyone in life… I’m sorry for everything, please forgive me…”
Wrapping her arms around her shoulders, as if they are not hers but her best, kindest, purest and most loving friend’s shoulders. And it’s true, they are not hers. First and foremost, they belong to her spirit. Without it, nothing else would’ve mattered.
After all, these influencers are not wrong: taking a bubbly bath may lead to the most profound and real experience of loving oneself.
Food for thought
“Oh that’s all wonderful and stuff but I don’t have a bath / I don’t like taking baths / my bubbles don’t foam…”, we hear you say.
Great news, you don’t need a bath to experience this kind of love. Sit down in silence with yourself and observe your body. Try to imagine all the work that your body and your spirit are doing right now to keep you alive. Try to remember the myriads of lives you shared with your spirit. Try to feel the love it provides you with, unconditionally and endlessly.
If you haven’t experienced it yet, we wish you the most unforgettable and heart-opening encounter with your own true self.
Self-Love academy 