Who is the person behind Self-Love Academy?

I was born and raised in Southern Siberia. It matters because I was born in the USSR and, although it dissolved when I was just under one year of age, its existence was imprinted all over my being. You know, in a communist country you were not supposed to stand out. There is empirical data stating that Soviet and borderline-Soviet people associated themselves with a collective rather than an individual.

The following is based on my own observations but what I’ve noticed among the people of my parents’ generation is the need to sacrifice. I can only speak for myself here but growing up I had no idea what self-love even meant. I used to believe that putting yourself first meant being selfish, bad, egocentric.

It is obvious that self-sacrifice felt quite normal to me… When I first went to school, I realised that I was a lot taller than my classmates. I was also a lot more serious than them. I just didn’t fit in. And because I had this inherited need to fit in, to be a part of a collective, to avoid standing out from the crowd, I immediately got disappointed in myself. I knew I didn’t want to be like them but I needed to. Although I didn’t even try to fit in (had no idea how), my self-esteem was as good as ruined. It’s good that no one really bullied me as I never paid attention to bullies (just couldn’t, I didn’t understand them) but somehow quite often I’d end up crying in a closet, telling myself I wasn’t worthy, questioning what was wrong with me.

No wonder that at school I tried to be a good student. I’d be freaking terrified of my teachers. Some of them were particularly demanding and unforgiving. How many tears I cried trying to get my homework done on time, perfectly, so that no one would yell at me, or humiliate me in front of the class. Not that it ever happened to me personally but it did happen to other students, and when you already stand out and don’t fit in, being told off in front of everyone felt like a complete nightmare to me. I’d also get sick often, which didn’t help with anything. I was having bad dreams about missing class until I turned 30.

All of the above might sound like a normal story of an average misfit but to me it meant that I spent a good portion of my life with ruined self-esteem, an inflated sense of responsibility (put the task at hand above all else), not quite knowing who I was as a person, not knowing how to value myself, endless fears, co-dependency, the so-called good girl syndrome and simply complete lack of self-awareness – infinite emptiness inside.

Nobody taught me how to love myself. It was quite the opposite, in the post-Soviet environment being yourself, loving and respecting yourself was synonymous to egocentrism. I didn’t have one good example in front of me. The only person who allegedly “loved only himself” was my granddad, and he was an alcoholic his entire adult life.

The typical phrases you’d hear from a person in the post-Soviet Russia would be “think about your mother / children / what people would say”, “doesn’t matter what you want, I also want many things but I keep my mouth shut”, “ungrateful, I’ve spent my best years on you and this is how you pay me”. But overall, it’s no one’s fault I wasn’t aware of self-love, it was just the way it turned out.

However, it is important to mention that I had a happy childhood despite having low self-esteem, which was a result of many factors like the society I grew up in, being different from my classmates, being overly sensitive. My parents did their absolute best and more to make sure we were as happy as we could be, and for that I am incredibly grateful.

Relationships

Despite my upbringing and the society I grew up in, I was always a spiritual person – for as long as I can remember myself. My parents were not religious and rarely (if ever) talked about God. I prayed almost every night before bed – and I knew I didn’t have to go to church to pray. I figured that I had my own God – the one and only, the divine kindness, who was available to everyone, whose existence wouldn’t divide people but bring them together. I was into all kinds of spiritual books and enjoyed a conversation with adults more than with kids my age. I was often called a “little philosopher”.

I went to Europe to study when I was 17. I met a French guy, we started dating. My, my. I wasn’t ready for a relationship. It was a disaster. Poor guy. The problem was that I was somehow trying to consume all of his attention, and even that was not enough. In almost no time, I entered an unhealthy co-dependent relationship and there was no one to explain what was wrong with me, or with the relationship.

One thing I’d hear repeatedly in Russia was that “all men cheated”. It was ingrained in my head, turning into my biggest relationship fear, poisoning my life for the next 12 years. Shortly after the French guy broke up with me, I met another person. Nothing changed in me – I was the same immature control freak. Nothing to be proud of. Memories make me cringe to this day.

Well, I tried to be a version of a good girlfriend in a relationship, which was considered a norm in post-Soviet Russia: obedient, self-sacrificing, giving. Only I couldn’t. Plus, I’d demand attention, I’d lose temper for any and every reason, scream and cry like a baby, check phones and doubt my partner’s faithfulness 99% of the time. I don’t know how anyone could survive this. The worst thing was that I couldn’t explain my behaviour, couldn’t control it no matter how hard I tried, couldn’t stop. I was guided by my fears and my fears only.

Even now it is hard for me to accept my past. It is painful to be reminded of what I used to do to myself and my loved ones. Of the years lost – I wasn’t really awake, I wasn’t really alive.

Work

I used to struggle at work. My first job in London, I felt so out of place, so awkward. It’s a freaking sad thing to admit but on my first day at work I cried in the ladies’ room during lunch break. It was the first time I was pretty much the only foreigner on the floor full of British people. And although I was surrounded by great talented people, I was in a state of constant cultural shock. “Best years” of my life. We lived 1.5 hrs away from my office, near Heathrow, in a tiny place / repurposed shed pretty much next to our landlord. My personal life was at an all-time-low. I even had to take a day off at work after we had a particularly difficult talk lasting until 5am in the morning – f*cking nightmare.

I now recall one of my colleagues asked me about my hobbies at a team social. I said I didn’t have any. I felt like such a boring person, a failure. Now, looking back, I realise I couldn’t have hobbies. I was a foreigner in a state of perpetual cultural shock, spending 3 hours a day on commute living in a teeny-tiny property (don’t even know how to call it) with the landlord (don’t ask me why it’s bad), managing 10 client accounts (5 of them were big well-known brands), constantly burnt out (also, hi Heathrow 5am alarm clock), utterly and completely unhappy in my personal relationship – I didn’t have time for friends either, so pretty much 0 friends on top of this whole shabang.

After a particularly hard day at work, I had a dream about having a terminal illness. The terror I felt having just one thought in my astral mind: “I spent my life working in a job I hate” woke me up. I handed in my notice a few days later. By the time I left my first job, I had an eczema-like irritation and heart palpitations on a daily basis. Thankfully, the irritation disappeared shortly after but heart palpitations were a leaving gift I couldn’t get rid of.

Mind you, I’m not blaming anyone for all of the above, I wouldn’t even blame myself… It was what it was.

Shortly after I had to find a new job in the same industry. The company was more diverse, which was a good thing for me as I feel more comfortable when I’m not the only foreigner around. However, the job itself didn’t make any sense to me. I had no idea what I was doing nor why. So, even though on the surface it looked like I was doing just fine in life: a girl from Siberia working in a world-renowned agency in London, being in charge of a big client’s account, emptiness and dissatisfaction inside of me were growing out of proportion. After 8 months in that job I began noticing that my face would get super oily for no reason. I had to wash or wipe my face and re-apply make-up a few times a day.

Soon enough I also began noticing small bumps all over my face. They would then turn into good-sized painful cysts. I won’t go into too much detail but long story short, I had to quit my job without even serving my notice – my face was full of those. I couldn’t face (pardon the pun) not just going to the office but going outside in general. Quite often I’d fight the urge to walk out of my window on the 7th floor. I had to miss two of my friends’ weddings because I was convinced I looked like a monster.

Every cloud has a silver lining

It wasn’t just my face that was suffering as a result of years of stress, lack of self-love, melancholy and fears. I felt dizzy, had brain fog, couldn’t think straight. Heart palpitations were still a thing. I was scared and desperate. Spent loads of time and money on miracle solutions, gels, creams, vitamins, supplements. Paid £500 for a visit to an alternative medicine doctor – hope it illustrates just how terrified I was. Not because I was stupid to go straight to a questionable medical practice but my GP said it was fine, no need to worry lol! And I sure as hell didn’t want to go to a dermatologist because taking stuff like Accutane was not an option for me (had already had a pretty sad experience with hormonal pills prescribed by a doctor, so tried to avoid any chemical stuff).

Within just a few months, I had cupboards full of treatments that did nothing, so I turned to diets. I tried anti-candida, FODMAP, vegan, keto, raw… Nothing seemed to help. The only thing that did seem to make me feel a bit better were the Medical Medium’s juices, especially celery.

Worth mentioning my self-esteem was non-existent and people would stare at me almost everywhere. I’d avoid seeing anyone I knew. It was so disheartening I can’t even tell but every person with a visible difference in their appearance has experienced it.

All this time I was obviously questioning why it was happening to me. I had a lingering feeling that this was not a physical illness but rather a spiritual one. One day after having spent a few hours reading about experiences of people on anti-candida diet (which pretty much said you could never have carbs again haha), I was like “F*ck it”. I need to dig deeper than diets and medicines. I searched for “spiritual causes of acne” and I came across a video on YouTube by Think Clear Skin, where Chris told his story of suffering from acne. He observed that he’d always been afraid of being seen. He’d be afraid to be himself, to express his true self, preferring to stay in the shadow. He also noticed that normally people who suffer from bad adult acne would have problems with self-esteem and come across as shy and insecure individuals, including himself. Needless to say, I was all ears. Every word rang true to me. It was a start of my epiphany, my self-love journey.

So I went down this spiritual path, reading books, watching videos, gobbling up articles on spiritual causes of illnesses. I remember quite vividly reading a book our friend gifted us, “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle – the first time I discovered the idea of the “pain body”. Tolle explained that you are not your pain body. You are not your ego. You are not your hurt, grudge, resentment, fears. You are a free spirit. He told his story about his deep depression and how one day he just realised that the depression was a separate entity, and that he could be free from it if he could stay focused on being in tune with his soul, in the moment.

And as I was trying to focus on my spirit, I felt it. I felt how huge and heavy my pain body was. How long I’d been carrying around the weight of that enormous emotional and mental baggage. How it was dragging me down. Keeping me hostage. Stealing my life and myself from me. And, in fact, how light and bright my spirit was without all of that pain.

Knowing that my crazy breakouts were actually a way of my body, my spirit to cry for help and draw my attention to the chaos going on inside me, I knew I had to unpack that baggage making up my emotional and mental pain body, dismantle it and leave it behind. It didn’t even matter if I’d be able to achieve healthy skin again, I just wanted to free my soul and get in touch with it.

Another wonderful moment I experienced was when I found actual evidence of someone else being present in me. I found it online as well, this ritual when you look into your eyes in the mirror attentively and with love, and slowly tell yourself: “I am here for you and I am sorry I let you down. I love you and we will get through it together” – or anything you feel like saying to the most important and valuable person in your life, when you express your feelings for them for the first time. I mean it just broke me down. I knew that I’d been waiting for it for ages. I’d been waiting for me to tell myself I loved myself. To say sorry for all the shit I’d done to myself. Even now I’m crying, it was really emotional.

So there was no turning back, once I knew there was a beautiful pure soul who couldn’t wait to get out – may sound cheesy but I’m being sincere. I as a person am not perfect, I’m not entirely pure or great – but I can say with confidence that my spirit is because I saw it, I talked to it, I felt it.

Self-love did not exist in my life up until that point. But when it entered my life, I couldn’t be that old version of myself any longer. Spent the next two-three years unpacking a big chunk of trash from my being, and with every old spoilt and moldy emotion I let go of, I could see more of my true self. And I kept falling in love with this person, more and more with each day.

My pain ran as far back as my early childhood. Most of it was in my childhood. Getting to know myself also involved crying (a lot!!!), pillow screaming (sometimes it works a treat lol), affirmations, identifying and getting rid of limiting beliefs, finding and structuring my boundaries with people, being aware of my thoughts, feelings and motives behind my actions or reactions. Choosing myself over temptations, taking care of my physical body, nurturing and self-care (ok ok, taking baths in almond milk can be a part of self-love but believe it or not, it’s not required haha!). Self-care is not just spa, baths and smoothies – it’s actually just finding an hour to sit down with yourself and your thoughts, not judging, just letting yourself be.

Alright, some of you might be wondering whether my acne got any better. After the first “crying session”, when I lived through a really old memory of my mom questioning me why I couldn’t go to the swimming pool classes like the other kids, I woke up the next day and I was shocked to find that my skin looked a lot better. I kept at it, working on myself, but clear skin was not my goal. I wanted to be happy, express myself and feel free.

Lots of different techniques, many of which were just intuitive, went into my self-love work. It honestly changed my life. Every aspect of it. Relationships, work, health – I mean, it was a total makeover. But the best thing is, I wasn’t working on my relationships, or work, or health – I was working on self-love, understanding, knowing, valuing, and nurturing myself and my self only.

Something that for the longest time was a bad thing in my head (didn’t want to end up like my granddad “only loving myself”) actually turned out to be beneficial for everyone around me.

Of course, I’d be lying if I told you that oh now I love and accept myself fully, so I’ve done it all. No, it’s lifelong learning but it’s so enjoyable and awesome, even if challenging, scary or disappointing at times.

I now know that this is the best thing you can get in life – and imagining a world where everyone took responsibility for making oneself happy, I intend to share it with you in the best way possible.

If you want to join me, make sure to leave your email address below for more updates ❤️

Sincerely yours,

Self-love Academy.