Today I want to share something that’s been on my mind lately.
No BS, only truth.
Right, so I am a very spiritual person, no doubt – my parents told me stories of when I was 3-4 years old, how I tried to solve problems in my life with love and compassion. When my cousin hit me, I told him “Don’t do it, okay, we are a family”, or when a girl at my kindergarten group bullied me, instead of following my dad’s advice to punch her back, I decided to calmly talk to her and asked her, “Why are you bullying me? Have I done something wrong? If so, I’m sorry”. It worked.
While I’m learning about this world almost solely through self-analysis, introspection, I can get carried away at times. For a long time I’ve been dreaming about becoming a business person. Moving to another country. Finding a deep emotional connection in my personal relationships.
The problem with all of the above is that it’s all in my head. Of course, there are things that our heart / soul / spirit / higher self (whatever you want to call it) communicate to us through discomfort that we might feel from certain situations in our lives, through urges to go and pursue something, sometimes even through dreams or real-life challenges. What I struggle with the most is action.
Consistent action – this is a core ingredient in your life. You cannot achieve anything just by dreaming it into reality, manifesting, talking to your friends about it. You cannot achieve anything just by sitting around waiting for it, hoping you will one day have the guts / motivation / energy or whatever else you’re missing right now to do it. Nobody will come to rescue you, most likely, if you just keep on waiting. Nothing will change much, as long as you are simply waiting.
No matter how spiritual or down-to-earth you are, dear reader, what I’ve realised and what might help you, too – because we all want a better life for ourselves, one that can make us happier – is that everyone, without any exceptions, need to develop discipline to move both your hands and legs towards your wish. Nothing else will work as effectively as ACTION. And in order to act, you must master one key area in the world of self-love: discipline.
I am sick of such buzzwords as “motivation”, “law of attraction”, “inspiration” – chances are, we will never have it. Imagine! NEVER. Why? It’s simply because they don’t exist until and unless you decide to act, and you take action. Consistently. Motivation doesn’t come from watching numerous videos of Tony Robbins and Jay Shetty. Law of attraction is forever going to stay a vague concept if you’re not out there in the world doing something. Inspiration may enter your life as a result of strong feelings, such as being in love, but they will fade away, leaving you with no dopamine, adrenaline, phenylethylamine and no inspiration.
Act now, and forget about energy, motivation and inspiration. They are illusory and impractical.
Good news is, you don’t have to bust your a$$. Taking consistent action doesn’t mean you need to work 24/7 on your dreams. I often hear busy mothers, full-time employees and just pretty much anyone with any number of responsibilities, no matter how big or small, complain about not having the time / energy / will to do anything that, in the long term, will make them fulfilled. I don’t judge nevertheless – I am not a mom, not an employee, and even I manage to come up with many reasons why I can’t do anything today, which translates into “ever”.
I digress – you do not need a lot of time to take consistent action. All you need is consistency. Once a month? Once a week? Whatever works for you but you have to do it, as if it’s as inevitable as wiping after toilet. With time, make it more frequent. Slightly longer hours. Key rules: it has to be something you enjoy doing (even if you only think you enjoy it and when it comes to taking action, you’re all sorts of lazy and tired), it has to contribute towards your long-term vision of your dream life, and you need to experiment to see what works best in your field. For example, if you create content, try various ways of doing it, rather than sticking to one only to find that it doesn’t work. That is it. It doesn’t have to be perfect.
I’d suggest starting with x minutes a day, x days a week if you’re coming from a place of “not doing at all because no time”. It’s best if you link it with another activity that you engage in every day, such as after having breakfast or brushing teeth. If you fail to take action for a number of days, weeks etc. – it’s fine. Get back up, try again. You only need to keep in mind that you have your whole entire life ahead of you and if you want it to be whatever you want it to be, you gotta act asap. Nothing else will bring you the results you’re longing for.
Many people don’t know where to start, what to do, where to go – I mean, first of all, coaches exist for this very reason. If you’re sceptical about coaching, you can try a session with me for free. I am a self-love coach and discipline falls under this umbrella and lands right at the core of it. Coaching helps because it can keep you accountable, if nothing else.
In order not to turn into a sales pitch, which it isn’t, you are just a google search away from a whole load of instruments that can help you understand where to start. One of the most basic yet still incredibly powerful tools is a wheel of life. You can play with it in any way you wish. You can start with any area of your life, the one which is most accessible to you right now for whatever reasons. Start by outlining the next step – what does it look like? I know some people and certainly been one of those people for whom a simple trip to a grocery store is an achievement – and it’s absolutely fine. Don’t start with a big ambitious next step if all you need to do to make yourself feel better is do the groceries and cook yourself a dinner.
Tiny achievements every day. As tiny as you want but the big idea is that they have to make you feel better about yourself. Something very small that can make you feel proud. With time, you will develop a habit of making yourself feel proud. The steps will evolve with you. You only need to see the one in front of you, and walk it.
I give you a hug, I take off your veil as I’ve taken off mine, Life is more than what we experience in our heads – and I believe in you, in me, in us.
5 reasons why New Year resolutions fail. Image credit: freestocks.org
Whether you are giving New Year resolutions a pass this year (which I completely understand), you are probably reading this post for a reason. After all, we all set goals, and not just for the New Year. We want to know why we fail at achieving our New Year resolutions or goals, which happens to everyone and has happened to me A Million Times! Below are the 5 top reasons with real-life examples – and we can all find ourselves in them.
Reason 1: Setting unachievable goals
Claire really wants to lose weight. Swiping up her Instagram feed, she is constantly bombarded by the carefully-edited images of the so-called “influencers”. They all look glowing, healthy, rich, successful, stylish, beautiful and… fit. No wobbly bellies, zero cellulite, not a millimeter of loose skin. Perfection! Perfection everywhere. Having read a few inspiring stories of people who lost 150 Lbs, she makes a firm decision to start a new life in 2021. Strict diet, no food after 6pm, cardio exercises at least 3 times a week. And, of course, daily Instagram posts on her progress to stay motivated.
01.01.2021. Claire is deciding to stick to her new diet as soon as she runs out of pre-Christmas / New Year leftovers.
02.01.2021. Still lots of leftovers plus a huge bag of crisps she found in a cupboard. Instead of continuing with her plan of finishing it all up, Claire bins the remaining leftovers and leaves the bag of crisps in the hall, hoping someone will adopt it.
03.01.2021 – 06.01.2021. Claire’s been on track with her diet, no food after 6 pm and even went for a cheeky morning run. She is proud of herself but feeling very tired. After such a good start, she chooses to treat herself with a small pudding at 8pm while watching Netflix.
07.01.2021 – 10.01.2021. Claire is still trying to eat healthy and exercise every now and then. She is, however, finding it incredibly difficult. Thoughts like “Why do I have to change myself”, “Why do some people eat whatever the hell they want and nothing happens to their weight” and “I’m a loser” start popping up.
11.01.2021. It’s Claire’s best friend’s Birthday and she is invited to a party. Although she didn’t touch the food at the party, Claire comes back home, hating herself and the whole world. She finds a forgotten tub of ice cream in the freezer and finishes it all in one go. Feeling happy, she goes to bed, determined to try again next month, when there won’t be any Birthday parties or other annoying distractions.
What went wrong? Claire has never been on a diet for more than a week. She has never exercised for more than a month. She always eats right before going to bed. And she always feels bad when she sees fit women living their dream lives on Instagram. The truth is, most people cannot break their long-formed habits within a day. Especially if it’s more than one habit. Especially if a reason for breaking this habit is fundamentally wrong.
What could Claire do differently? An achievable goal like “Stop beating yourself up and come to terms with my own body” could lead to a much healthier start to the year. Other achievable goals like “Incorporate more fruit and veg into my diet”, “Try different gym classes to find what works for me” would help set Claire up for success at the end of 2021.
Reason 2: Setting goals that are outside of your control
Paul is determined to finally find a girlfriend this year. No more dating around, no more flirting and casual relationships. He wants something serious. He is ready for it. All of his friends are married with kids, he is the only bachelor left.
His New Year resolution number one: start a serious relationship. In order to meet someone, he downloads a dozen popular dating apps, registers on half of them and begins swiping left and right. After a few flirty chats, he reminds himself that he wants something serious this time. Meaning he must focus on getting to know someone as an individual.
After a week of chatting with lots of different women, he finally finds that one girl who comes across more serious and mature. She doesn’t want to meet until they learn more about each other. Paul is hopeful, so he continues their online conversation, generously sharing the details of his childhood and early adulthood. They develop a meaningful connection, and she is ready to take it offline.
Their first date has nothing to do with drinks, restaurants or cafes. He takes her out for a walk. Suzie turns out to be even better in real life. Paul even goes as far as to think she is a real “wife material”.
Six months down the line, they are in a relationship. It is difficult to say whether it’s serious because Suzie doesn’t want to plan too far ahead. Two months into their relationship, she bluntly stated that she is not ready for marriage or kids, at least not now. Half-way through Paul also discovered that Suzie is a very progressive woman, who favours an open relationship. Sitting alone on a sofa on a Friday night, Paul receives a text from Suzie: “Don’t wait for me tonight, I’m with someone. Dinner is in the fridge. xoxo”. Even though Paul was certain they could make this open relationship thing work, he is now certain this is a load of BS and he won’t put up with it a minute longer. He responds: “No worries. Please collect your stuff tomorrow and leave. xoxo”.
What went wrong? Paul set a goal, which was not entirely in his control. Yes, he can start a relationship. However, no matter how hard he tries, he cannot turn it into a “serious relationship” because it depends on another person. A living breathing person, who may come across mature and serious, but is in fact wanting a completely different life. It’s not the best idea to follow a scenario, trying to get to know another person, almost “screening” potential candidates to then actually find out that they are not who you thought they were. Perhaps it’s best to follow your heart? Who knows, but setting a goal to fall in love and get married can be counterproductive and result in disappointment.
What Paul could do differently? Paul could’ve set a goal, which would be entirely up to him to realise. For example: “Meet more interesting people, especially women”, “Understand what I want from a relationship”, “Get to know more women as individuals rather than casually”. The rest would be up to the Universe (or luck) 🙂
Reason 3. Setting goals and expecting someone else to achieve them for you
“New Year Resolution 1: start my own business“ – Fran was writing this phrase in her freshly refilled Filofax organiser for the third year in a row. She was angry and upset, thinking: “Why is it never working out for me?!”. She has recently found out that her friend Sarah opened her own coffee shop. It was almost physically painful for Fran to put a smile on her face when she heard the news. While she was hoping Sarah didn’t notice severe disappointment on her face, this feeling of guilt was overridden by an overwhelming sense of injustice. Why, God, why it was so easy for other people to start their business but not for her?! After all, she’s been waiting to become an independent successful businesswoman for the past 5 years! 2 years before she started believing in those stupid New Year resolutions, which never work anyway.
Deep in her depression, Fran was struggling to keep herself motivated at work. “I hate 9-5”, she thought. Every morning she was dreading yet another day of working for someone other than herself. When Fran finally decided to do something about it, she booked her first psychotherapy session on an aggregator site. Therapist, a lovely woman in her mid-30s, turned out to have her own practice. Fran smiled ironically: “What are the chances!”. She would’ve preferred to be seen by someone who is an employee, just like Fran, not a business owner.
While she enjoyed the first two sessions, she then began getting frustrated with questions like “What do you think stops you from starting your own business?”, “What do you think causes you to envy your friends who run their own business?”, “What limiting beliefs do you have about achieving success?”. It was too much for her; and it was all irrelevant. Fran didn’t have a rich husband or wealthy parents to sponsor her business, she doesn’t have business education as her parents wanted her to study law, she has no clue where to start and she’s an introvert who can’t just simply build a network in any industry! No, the reason she went to a psychotherapist was because she needed an answer to a completely different question: “Why am I so unlucky and why am I so undeserving, otherwise why are everyone else’s dreams come true but mine never do?!”.
It’s December again. After a few unsuccessful applications for the positions of a co-founder, Fran gave up. She was certain that if it was meant to be, it would have flown into her hands. The opportunity to start her own business would’ve fallen from the sky. Isn’t that how it works?!
What went wrong? Fran confused New Year resolutions with a letter to Santa. She never wanted to start her own business. She wanted someone to hand it to her. Preferably, on a plate. Fran got used to taking the passenger seat in her life, avoiding responsibility, and instead miserably (yet comfortably) living in a victim mode. As an undeserving, unworthy individual, who could never start her own business – because life was unfair like that.
What Fran could do differently? A trip to a psychotherapist would probably be an adequate first step. Fran doesn’t believe in herself and is full of fears when it comes to taking responsibility for her own life. Her achievable resolutions could be “To start believing in myself – find a psychotherapist and read self-help books”, “To create a step-by-step plan of starting my own business”, “To register a company”, “Research how to start a business from scratch”, “To attend industry events”, “Save up £x and build a website”. For someone like Fran, who has almost never taken charge of her life, a goal that asks her to start a business is not achievable – it is simply too big and too scary to grasp. Plus, a New Year resolution is unlikely to be ticked off a list if you expected someone else to make it happen for you.
Reason 4. Setting goals that are not yours
Toby has decided that this year will be the year he finds a stable job. His girlfriend Linda is not just an angel he is madly in love with, she is also a very demanding angel. Linda’s been complaining about them not having a stable income that would allow them to save enough money for a Euro-trip. She is obsessed with the idea of buying a camper van and travelling around Europe for a whole year before they found a perfect place for them to settle down, get married and have kids.
He is very understanding of the fact that Linda is still a student at a School of Arts, she cannot drop out just to find a full-time job. Toby, on the other hand, is a grown-ass man (this February he will turn 30) who has been freelancing for the past 2 years. While freelancing is helping him pay his bills and more, he can never save up. With his education and experience, he could find a well-paid full-time job fairly easily. Toby’s tried working in an office before and he knew how much he hated it. However, if it’s just for a year or two, and if it’s something that will make Linda happy, he can manage. It’s not all that bad.
After the first three interviews, Toby’s confidence almost vanished. He started questioning whether a corporate job was really worth it. Coming back home to Linda, who would normally encourage him to keep going because “Imagine how great it would be to travel around Europe together, babe, it’s just for a few years!”, he’d try to cheer himself up. Yes, it is motivating enough. He wants to travel around Europe together with Linda. He hates driving but he loves Linda.
Linda was right, Toby found a job within a month of starting the application process. He was a good specialist, and while the freelance market for his expertise was very competitive, the job market was different. His first day at work was full of introductions and small talk – two things he could not stand. Toby has always been an introvert who strongly preferred working independently. Come evening, he felt shattered. “Only a year or two” felt almost like a prison sentence to him at that moment. He remembered all of the reasons why he left his first corporate job and never looked back.
He had to tell Linda that he couldn’t do it for her. Linda flipped out. Accused him of being an egocentric fool who lacked any ambition in life. His heart dropped when he heard those words. His previous girlfriend used to tell him the same thing, that he was not ambitious enough and his freelance work was the main reason she would never start a family with him. Suddenly he realised that the Euro-trip was never appealing to him. He realised he did not want to go against his truth to please someone, especially someone who is supposed to love and accept him the way he is.
What went wrong? Toby set a goal that was not his goal to begin with. He did not want a full-time job. While in this example it was clear that it was his girlfriend’s influence that made him set this New Year resolution, sometimes it’s not that easy to pinpoint whose influence we’re under when setting irrelevant goals. For example, in the beginning of the year you may think you want to get a driving licence but in reality you don’t want it but you think you must get it because everyone else your age has it. The likelihood of achieving a goal that is not in line with your heart’s desires is very low in any case.
What Toby could do differently? If Toby really wanted to save up for a Euro-trip with his girlfriend, he could’ve tried to figure out how they could do it together. Resolutions like “Find additional income sources”, “Find a part-time job”, “Advertise online to bring new clients” would be a lot better than taking sole responsibility for their dream, which also implies completely changing his preferred way of living. A general rule of thumb though is to avoid setting goals that are dictated by someone other than yourself.
Reason 5. Setting goals when you don’t love yourself
Marion’s girlfriend broke up with her on New Year’s eve. That led to Marion spending the whole night crying her eyes out. Why do all of her girlfriends break up with her around this time of year?! On the 1st of Jan, after a dreadful night and 30 minutes of sleep, Marion woke up broken-hearted yet determined for this year to be different. This year she will make all of her past girlfriends regret their decision to leave her. She will become a completely different person.
“Cut and dye my hair”, “Become the best kick-ass kickboxer ever” (having never kickboxed before), “Find a new cool job in tech”, “Rhinoplasty”, “Read at least 5 books a month, attend art exhibitions, watch indie films”, “Become confident and find new cool friends”… Marion’s list was incredibly ambitious. All of her resolutions were aimed at becoming a new person. Someone she was imagining to be a lot better than her. Someone who was worthy of a long-lasting relationship. Someone… who wasn’t her.
As she was daydreaming about this amazing new person she was planning to turn into, a little girl inside her was sobbing. Forgotten, neglected and bullied, this little Marion was clueless as to why she was not enough. She never understood what was wrong with her; why everyone, starting from her parents, wanted nothing to do with her. Was it because she was shorter than most other girls? Was it because she wore a silly ponytail? Was it because her nose seemed too big to her? Was it because she was not interesting, leading a normal life? Or was it because she was gay that her parents stopped talking to her…
As her subconscious was processing this information, a painful thought crossed Marion’s mind… Would it help if she added “Date a guy” to her New Year resolutions? Perhaps this could make her parents regret leaving her… As this idea was growing bigger in her head, Marion left any and every interest in her freshly produced New Year resolutions. She lay down on the floor, curled up, tears creating a small puddle under her head. “So, the only way to make people love me is become someone else entirely?”…
Spoiler alert: Marion never reached her New Year goals and is happy about that. Funnily enough, despite failing to keep her NY resolutions, that year she met the most wonderful person, with whom she built a lifelong loving relationship. Her ex-girlfriends envied that girl as she seemed so effortlessly happy. Even her parents met her new partner and, surprisingly, they loved her and accepted her into their family. The name of that awesome girl is Marion.
On that beautiful note, I wish you all to love yourself, take charge of your life, and enjoy life with or without New Year resolutions 🙂
She had one of those days, working from home, 9-5… Her to-do list keeps on growing, she can’t keep up. Misunderstanding with a manager, upcoming monthly report, fear of failure during highly uncertain times. These times, when it seems that losing your job equals a complete and total disaster.
Uncertainty is not only the main theme of the external world – it also applies to her personal life. Sometimes she wonders what it feels like to have a stable job, a husband, a mortgage, a kid or two, and a dog. A normal happy life. The kind of life, where you have friends over for a barbecue whenever it’s warm and sunny in London.
Sometimes it’s difficult to come to terms with the fact that her life differs from what seems to be the “norm”. It can be even more difficult to accept that the reason she is not living a normal life is because she is not normal. “Give me an example”, she hears you say. You’re right, perhaps it’s all in her head. Perhaps she is normal.
Perhaps it’s normal to be an extreme overthinker, massive empath and pathological perfectionist. Even if it is normal, she doesn’t want that kind of life. Where there is no room for effortless flow and simple miracles because there is too much stress due to unsuccessful attempts to control the uncontrollable, can you actually call it “life”?
Episode 2.
Self-love has become trendy. Self-love is now an Instagram-worthy caption. “A day of self-care”… You can find it on every influencer’s Insta page. It usually comes with a picture of woman’s legs soaking in a bubble bath covered with rose petals and surrounded by a bunch of candles.
“Ok, if that’s what self-love is about…” – her thoughts while filling a bath with bubbly water. When she got all comfy in the bath, the round shower head started dripping. Drops of cold water falling down on her legs. “Just like my life”, she thought to herself. “While everything else seems fine like this bath full of pleasantly warm water, I still can’t help but concentrate on the few annoying cold drops”.
Her head was filled with worries about her conversation with the manager earlier that day. “I need to come up with a decent explanation to solve this disappointing misunderstanding”. Quite frankly, she was beating herself up for the words that slipped out of her mouth. She didn’t realise how they must’ve sounded.
It was becoming too much to bear. “Let go”, she asked herself. Trying to feel the process of letting go with every cell of her body and spirit. It seemed to work, although work-related concerns were still lingering in the air.
She took a bath sponge and began massaging her legs. Suddenly, something strange happened. She felt an immense wave of love washing over her entire being. Love towards herself. Overcome with an urge to hug her knee, as weird and funny as that sounds, she felt as if her heart exploded and tears poured down her leg.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry…” Looking at her body, she saw it. She really saw it. Her body housing a spirit. Her body is not hers. It’s her spirit’s. The spirit that has been travelling with her through centuries of various lives, good and bad, happy and sad. It’s always been there for her. It never left her. Her spirit, her only true friend and companion.
“Why am I putting you through this?! Why am I crushing you when you’re all that I have…”
“I love you so much, I love you more than anyone in life… I’m sorry for everything, please forgive me…”
Wrapping her arms around her shoulders, as if they are not hers but her best, kindest, purest and most loving friend’s shoulders. And it’s true, they are not hers. First and foremost, they belong to her spirit. Without it, nothing else would’ve mattered.
After all, these influencers are not wrong: taking a bubbly bath may lead to the most profound and real experience of loving oneself.
Food for thought
“Oh that’s all wonderful and stuff but I don’t have a bath / I don’t like taking baths / my bubbles don’t foam…”, we hear you say.
Great news, you don’t need a bath to experience this kind of love. Sit down in silence with yourself and observe your body. Try to imagine all the work that your body and your spirit are doing right now to keep you alive. Try to remember the myriads of lives you shared with your spirit. Try to feel the love it provides you with, unconditionally and endlessly.
If you haven’t experienced it yet, we wish you the most unforgettable and heart-opening encounter with your own true self.
Should we feel entitled in a relationship? Credit: Eric Ward, Unsplash.com
Story 1.
“When I meet the man of my dreams, he will definitely treat me the way I deserve to be treated”.
“My ex was never good enough for me. I gave it all to him and he didn’t appreciate it”.
“Next time I will be smarter, I will choose wiser. I will set high standards because I’m worth it”.
Jenna’s ex was a typical narcissist. She fell in love with him at first sight. She was infatuated to the point she forgot about her personal life, her friends, family and hobbies. All she ever wanted was his attention. He didn’t seem to care, although deep inside his ego felt nice and cosy every time she would make a scene.
Their relationship was a merry-go-round. Only not so merry, and each time the carousel would enter a new round, it would get more and more sickly. Jenna, in pursuit of her boyfriend’s attention, would try to be the best woman one could ever imagine: breakfast in bed, clean apartment, expensive lingerie… Until she would start feeling that he was giving nothing in return. Or, rather, not what she wanted.
That’s when things would get ugly. His every move would annoy the hell out of Jenna. Everything he did was a reason for a long exhausting argument. The “full package” sort of argument: with tears, shouting, slamming doors, long conversations, silent treatment… That would get them nowhere. He didn’t understand what she wanted from him. He didn’t like the fact that she wanted something from him in the first place. Meanwhile, all she wanted was his undivided attention, understanding, love and care. Everything that she thought he couldn’t or wouldn’t give her.
Until one day he put an end to it. The benefits of having someone massage his ego no longer outweighed exhaustion from the emotional roller-coaster. She didn’t want to let him go. She cried, screamed, begged – made a fool out of herself. It made him really angry: he blocked her on social media and changed his number.
All of her friends told her he didn’t deserve her, that she would find the ONE who did. The ONE who would treat her like a princess, nothing less. After a while, she began to believe them. She knew it was not her fault her ex was such a prick.
And so, after a month of trying to get over her ex, she woke up a changed person. The queen who knows her worth. The woman capable of making any man happy beyond words. The woman who deserved the very best and loving man. Nothing would stop her from choosing the right one this time round. With this determination, she uploaded her best Snapchat photo to Tinder.
Story 2.
Date 1 was a standard Tinder date. The guy couldn’t help but talk about sex. He couldn’t help it, even though his messages prior to the date were as casual as Jenna’s old white T-shirt. She felt insulted and excused herself abruptly. After all, her man would never act so crude.
Dates 2 & 3 went fine. They were chatty, friendly yet boring. Too plain for Jenna. She needed a king, not an average Joe.
Date 4. Something she’d never expected. He was enormously attractive yet quite brusque. Plus, he disagreed with every word that came out of her mouth.
“Don’t you like it when your woman is fragile and vulnerable? Doesn’t it make you feel like a knight in shining armour?”
“What makes you think I want to be a knight in shining armour? I want an equal partner, not a damsel in distress”.
“But an equal partner is a woman, first and foremost. And women need someone who is stronger than them. Who can protect them. I think every woman wants to be treated like a queen”.
“I don’t believe in this “Protect me I’m weak” BS. Has it never crossed your mind that men also have weaknesses and need support?”
“But then if your partner supports you, doesn’t she also deserve to feel like you’ll take care of her and make her happy?”
“Oh girl. I’m not a “make my woman happy” type of guy. I don’t make anyone happy but myself”.
“What?! Do you realise how egocentric that sounds?!”
“Just as egocentric as “treat me like a queen” narrative”.
“Treating your woman like a queen is what every man should aspire to do! First, I really do deserve it. If you don’t think I know my worth, let me tell you upfront that I do. Second, happy wife means happy life – simple as that”.
“What you need to understand is nobody owes you anything. I’m not your instrument for making you happy. I’m not responsible for how you feel in life. Your problem is that you feel entitled to some kind of special treatment. Yet what I see in you is someone who got hurt, and hurt badly. You probably dated a guy who didn’t give you what you wanted. Now you’re just taking it out on the rest of the male population, thinking that by setting high standards, you’ll protect yourself. Thinking that telling every guy you meet that you know your worth will make them see your worth. That’s not how it works, you know.”
“Ok interesting! So tell me then, how does it work, huh? You seem to know-it-all!”
“First you don’t use other people as a bandage for your broken heart. You take time to heal and analyse. Second, have you even asked yourself if there was something wrong with you? Instead of blaming your ex for being so undeserving and such a jerk, have you ever considered taking responsibility for some of the sh*t that transpired between you two?”
“How am I supposed to take responsibility, when I was the one giving it all, when he was just taking me and all that I had to offer for granted?!”
“Ok, I see. Now I have a very important question for you”.
“Yeah?!”
“Did he ever ask you to give it all? Did he ever ask you to sacrifice your life, your hobbies, your time to make him happy? Did he ever look unhappy to you? To the point that you felt you had to make him happy? Did he ever tell you he needed a perfect girlfriend or did you just make it up in your own dreamy head?”
“That’s not the point, the guy didn’t treat me well and I’m not going to justify his arrogant egocentric behaviour. It’s not my fault he is a narcissist”.
“C’mon. He only accepted you for who you were. You wanted to take on a job of making him happy? You got it. He didn’t judge you for doing stuff he didn’t ask you to do. Anyway, I’m not the one to give you advice. I’m just saying if you can’t make yourself happy, don’t expect it from another person.”
“You clearly know nothing about women and how we desire to be valued and cherished. We are like flowers, if you don’t feed us with your attention, we die”.
“I know there are plants that don’t need watering yet they still thrive. I am one of them. And I wish you to either become one, too, or find your gardener. It was good to meet you, good night”.
Story 3.
Even though she thought long and hard about what Date 4 told her, the feelings his words triggered in her were too overwhelming. After a few conversations with friends who reassured her the guy was a barbarian, she felt better.
Especially when she met Ben. He agreed that she was a queen and admired her sense of self-worth that was communicated to him verbally within the first 30 minutes of their first date.
She was in the seventh heaven. She’d love to look in the face of Date 4 and savour three loud “ha”s. “Ha-ha-ha”, she would yell. You see, there are good men out there. They want to treat me like a queen. They know I’m worth it. However, she was so busy falling in love with Ben that Date 4 no longer occupied her mind.
Their romance soon turned into a more serious relationship. In the beginning, Ben was everything she’d ever dreamt of: a hopeless romantic, who wanted a family. He’d take her out, he’d plan the weekends, he’d bring flowers and try to surprise her. He’d ask her how she was and would really listen.
That’s why when it happened for the first time, she was shocked. Shortly after they moved in together, she began feeling anxious. Turns out, Jenna got tired of Ben’s attempts to keep her in a happy place. Turns out, Ben couldn’t handle Jenna when she felt down. It was not very helpful that she began feeling down often. Ben wanted Jenna to be happy all the time. Plus, he wanted to be around all the time as well. It’s as if his only purpose in life was to live happily together. To make sure Jenna lives her best life with him.
This type of dependency was exhausting. All she wanted was to be alone. She began experiencing a nagging feeling of absolute emptiness. Only this time, Ben couldn’t make it go away. Quite the opposite, his happy demeanour drove Jenna mad. Every attempt to identify the reason for the rapidly growing vacuum was unsuccessful.
Her conversation with Date 4 started haunting her. There was something deep inside that kept bringing it up. Only each time Date 4’s voice was growing louder in her head. Is he right? Is it true that no one can make me happy? Is it true that I destroyed my relationship? Is it true that there is something wrong with me, and not with the men I’m with?
Conclusion
Whether Jennas of the world arrive at the right decision or not, those who graduate from self-love academy (metaphorically speaking) know:
We are not entitled to anything in any relationship.
Entitlement means we let others do the work because we deserve it by default.
Entitlement clouds our mind and feeds our ego, not our spirit.
When we realise that nobody owes us anything, that’s when we free up enormous space for ourselves. Instead of focusing on how others treat you, focus on how you treat yourself and others. Blaming other people for your feelings of dissatisfaction and emptiness is counterproductive. Our happiness is our responsibility, no one else’s.
Of course, there are many caveats and nuances that come with each individual situation. Despite our differences, let’s remember that external world is only a mirror of our internal world. The love we receive from others is a reflection of love we give ourselves.
Self-Love academy 