Not the sort of phrase you’d expect to find in the Self Love Academy central.

Do you hate yourself? I do. I hate myself with passion.

I literally can’t stand myself. Furthermore, I hate myself back.

How can that be?

If you are one whole entity, how can you possibly hate yourself?

One miserable family

There is this thing called splitting. It is 100% real even if it’s not proven by the scientists, even if it’s not material splitting, it manifests in the material world with an illness, an accident, or another unpleasant occurrence.

My mind, my body and my spirit are splitting – I am not one whole entity.

I am the mind that hates the spirit, the spirit that despises the mind, and the body that plays a role of a child being torn apart by its divorced parents.

The mind is the father: rational, controlling, strict, pragmatic, busy, ambitious, punishing, righteous, arrogant, ego-driven.

The spirit is the mother: fragile, kind, gentle, emotional, feeling, timid, artistic, free, eccentric, empathetic, powerful, loving.

The body is the child: incapable of making its own decisions without its parents, dependent, suffering from the conflict in the household it can’t escape.

Although the father is arrogant, in reality he hides his deep-seated humongous insecurity.

Although the mother is fragile, she cannot be controlled forever due to her inner strength and the magnitude of her power.

Although the child is dependent, its parents cannot ignore its suffering for too long.

That has to live together

No matter how much misery runs in this household, they cannot escape each other.

They are a family, a unit. They constitute a person.

However, and unfortunately, if they don’t find peace, their unit will be breaking down.

I have realised it fully only recently. I am working on finding a compromise.

I can no longer be the “dog in the burning house saying it’s ok”.

If the house burns down, I will go down with it.

The backstory

When I was a child, I would often sit in my wardrobe and call myself horrible names, and cry.

I would tell myself that I am nothing, I’m nobody, no one loves me, no one understands me, it would be better if I didn’t exist at all.

I’d bully myself like that.

And I’d believe myself, and cry.

Where did it come from, I was only a child and no one really bullied me in real life?

That’s when it began to manifest itself, and I started to split into pieces.

When I grew up, I was weirdly feeling well and happy with myself but only when I was on my own.

And I’d turn into a total complete chaos in a relationship.

It was so easy to lose myself, get dissolved in another person, in the interaction between us.

I felt as if my partners were my crutches, my armour, my door to the world.

Unfortunately, I found myself in a relationship shortly after leaving my parents’ nest.

And after I broke up with the first person, three months later, I was in another ship.

From one nest to another, and 14 years later, I’ve been single for 3 months of my adult life, which I spent crying over my first boyfriend.

I’ve been feeling as if I was in some kind of mental prison.

If you take away one thing from this whole post:

It’s not healthy to jump into a relationship unless you’ve already got a good understanding and sense of who you are.

Self-Love Academy

That prison is not material but it’s very real to me.

I remember sitting in the apartment and literally looking out of the window, as if it was a prison cell window.

I feel it physically. My mind is holding my spirit hostage, and I’ve been emotionally abused by my mind.

Kind of twisted, right?!

The manifestation

My mind doesn’t get along with my spirit, to say the least.

They are way too different. How my freedom-loving, deep and old spirit ended up in a body with such a rational, controlling and ruthless mind is beyond my understanding. You know there are so many artistic, eccentric people who are a bit out there and they’re not ashamed of themselves. But I am.

This has resulted in a physical illness.

My spirit has been suppressed for way too long, and it’s started to try and break free, causing pretty exhausting and debilitating symptoms in my digestion. Heartburn is my joy killer and my body’s way of telling me that it can’t stand conflict for years and years.

Only recently I finally realised with full conscience that I’ve been splitting, and I can no longer filter myself, no longer let my mind rule the house, but I also cannot give in to a different extreme of my spirit ruling and my mind suffering.

In real life, if you have an abusive partner who tries to prove his / her worth through bullying and suppressing you, you can just leave. I can’t leave my abusive partner because he is me.

I have to learn how to make my splitting parts love each other, and help each other, and forgive each other.

The solution

I don’t have one yet. I know what the end result should be: harmony. Forgiveness. Peace. Love.

I don’t quite understand how to get there, when so much has gone down between the two of me.

I will figure it out though because there is no other choice.

Therapy, hypnotherapy, energy healing, diet, exercise, living and trying to practice harmony, meditation, supplements, changes in lifestyle – I won’t shy away from anything because there is no other choice left for me. My body – the suffering child has had enough and deserves to live in happiness and love rather than conflict and tension.

P.S.

I hope that for some of you this has been helpful, or insightful.

You are your own love, your own hate, your own problem and your own solution.

You are not one whole entity until you learn to love and appreciate every part of your being.

Physical illness is not just a doctor’s issue, it’s your body’s way of trying to restore balance.

Listen to your body, and make changes to your mind and spirit.

With love,

Self-Love Academy