I want to share something that has been hurting me my entire life and perhaps it might be relatable.

Shame and guilt.

I grew up witnessing people take advantage of my parents’ kindness and generosity. Whether it was their money, time, help, positive emotions – they used and abused it.

I don’t want to paint too dramatic a picture but it did affect me to the point that at 31 years of age, I feel incredibly stressed around people who I think might take advantage of me.
It is hard for me to trust people and I only want to do good things as long as it’s not at the expense of my own well-being.

When I was growing up, and guests would come visit (the kind of guests who I knew were not genuine), I would stay in my room refusing to come out and say hi.

Yes, it was a form of anti-social, weird behaviour.

And my parents shamed me for that big time. They used the word “nekrasivo”, which roughly translated from Russian means “impolite”.

Needless to say, I felt inadequate. I questioned whether I was doing the right thing or whether they were correct in calling out my actions. But I couldn’t make myself pretend I liked them. I just couldn’t. I still can’t pretend, all my emotions are written in bold caps lock all over my face and in my body language, my energy.

Many years past, none of those guests is our friend now. They got what they wanted and never had another reason to talk to us. Some of them were our relatives, some – friends, colleagues, business partners.

Yet my inadequate antisocial behaviour stayed with me. And instead of my parents I now have other people around me shaming me for that, saying I’m not “normal”, I’m not adequate, I’m impolite, I’m rude, I should be ashamed.

And it is true that I need to own up to my actions and admit that I don’t always treat people nicely because of my childhood. I am excessively cautious, sometimes excessively nice and then abruptly distant.

I need to work through it with an expert because it does affect my life and relationships with the loved ones, I might be hurting people’s feelings as a result, too.

However, I refuse to be shamed. I refuse to accept that I am an inadequate, antisocial, rude human being.

I refuse to feel guilt – taking responsibility is not a problem at all but feeling guilty for the pain I carry inside like every other person is not something I can subscribe to.

Instead of feeling guilty and ashamed, take responsibility. Don’t look back, look forward. You are enough.

Self-Love Academy

Nobody knows that I am my own biggest critic, harshest judge, that I sometimes drown in self-doubt especially after doing something that has even a 1% chance of hurting someone else.

There are still a lot of things I can improve about myself, and things I can get rid of as they’re not a genuine part of me but an acquired habit.

And I want everyone to know that while we may be imperfect and make mistakes, hurt others’ feelings unintentionally as a result of our own inner struggles, it is not really us. It’s our baggage. We at the core are enough, we are perfect.

And the more we accept ourselves as perfect and enough, adequate and normal, the better we become. No matter what anyone says or thinks, the only way out of shame, guilt and misery is knowing that I am enough. I am normal. What I feel is normal.

The only way to have a good relationship with the world and everyone in it is by accepting yourself the way you are, knowing yourself and cutting yourself some slack.

And accepting others as well, they are just the same.

I don’t identify myself with my acquired fears and emotional baggage. I do need to get rid of it because it’s not me, but the less I hurt myself the less I hurt others. The less I allow thoughts like “I’m rude, I’m weird, awkward blahblah”, the less I am any of those things. Instead, I can change the narrative to

“I’m empowered to be better and to let go of the fears that control me”.

Malignant, useless, unfair shame is not something you deserve. You deserve love, and, most importantly, self-love.

Sincerely Yours,

Self-Love Academy