If we received a penny every time we hear “stop being so negative!” or “start thinking positive!”, each and every one of us could use it as a decent source of passive income.
Every time I see a podcast from a lifehacker / mindset shifter / motivational speaker titled “change your thoughts, change your life”, I cringe just a little bit.
If it was really that easy to just start thinking different thoughts, we’d all be happy and p o s i t i v e (don’t you just negatively hate this word lol).
There is something better I’d like to offer you than wasting your time with all that “positive thinking” nonsense.
And it’s this:
The reason for negative thinking
“I honestly can’t stand my job, why does it have to be such a soul-crushing experience”
“Life is so uncertain, I can’t look into the future without fear”
“I’m so tired and stressed, my wife/husband annoys me and I just want to run away into the woods and live on my own for the rest of my days on this God forsaken planet”
Just a few examples of the kind of thoughts that might trouble us on the daily.
Like that Taylor Swift song, they keep playing over and over again.
So familiar that we hardly ever notice them but they low-key drive us mad like that Taylor Swift song.
What do we do in response?
We try to escape their company.
Say, you are on your own.
What do you do? Do you sit with your troubling, frustrating, disturbing inner chatter?
Hell no. You are on your phone / watching Netflix / talking to friends / pretending to read a book / listening to music – thank you, technology, for making it so easy for us to escape ourselves.
One swipe – and you are far away from “What am I doing with my life” or “I hate the place I live in”, or “Why do I feel so lonely”.
So easy to escape yet so hard to say goodbye.
And then you come across this “Your thoughts determine your reality” video on YouTube.
Damn you, negative thinking. How can I ever be a successful success with this kind of thoughts?!
One thing they never really teach you is this:
Negative thoughts are positive thoughts in distress.
Treat the cause, not the symptom
What do I mean by “positive thoughts in distress”?
I mean that your thoughts can get stressed out just like you.
They have a shadow side.
Thoughts are not autonomous
Thoughts are a product. And if we were all aware of this and knew what to do with this information, we’d be so much healthier.
Thoughts are symptoms. They don’t just appear out of thin air. There is an underlying issue in your subconscious, which communicates with you in the form of thoughts.
Feelings are not thoughts. You can’t think feelings. Feelings communicate with you through thoughts.
Feelings are the cause of your thoughts: good and bad.
You feel things before you think them.
So what?
“So what” is that negative thoughts aren’t the bad guys.
Negative feelings aren’t the bad guys.
Both are there for you, they are not against you.
It’s your body’s way to let you know that something is bothering you.
Only dummies can have 100% positive thoughts. Completely entirely unaware of themselves.
How do I let go of negative thoughts?
The best thing I’ve ever done for myself was sitting down on my couch in complete silence and just listening.
Tuning in. Whatever comes up will be your guide into your very own scary world of negativity.
You can talk to yourself in the same way you talk to others, the only difference being is the requirement to actually listen, not pretend that you are while anxiously waiting to respond or add your 5 cents of ingenuity. Otherwise you won’t hear yourself speak.
The thread of your self-discovery may go like this:
“I am annoyed with Laura at work =>
When I think of her, my stomach cramps and heart beats faster =>
What exactly makes me feel annoyed with her? =>
It feels as if she tries to get under my skin with her comments, she crosses my boundaries =>
What boundaries does she cross? =>
She makes me feel like I am not a trustworthy employee =>
Why is it important for me to be a trustworthy employee? =>
Because many times in the past people doubted my abilities =>
Why did people doubt my abilities? =>
Because I doubted them myself =>
Do I still doubt I’m doing a good job? =>
Yes, and it hurts that I try to do my best but people don’t notice =>
Why is it important that people notice me doing a good job? =>
Because I want them to know how good I am. Otherwise I don’t feel worthy enough as a person. =>
Who was the first person to make you feel that way? =>
My grandma. She used to say that I destroyed everything I touched because I often broke my expensive toys =>
You are worthy as it is, you don’t need to prove anyone anything. You are worthy just because you are who you are. This is just a given. Your grandma loves you and she always did. Her vision doesn’t define you.”
If you feel your heart race, your eyes get wet, you are on the right track. Let it out. Cry those tears.
Your negative thoughts are leaving you at this point.
Truthfully, I’ve just done this exercise with you. I do have a “Laura” at work who I feel crosses my boundaries.
My grandma really did tell me I was destructive when I was only 4-5 years old.
I am crying right now 🙂
Negativity heals
If you stop labelling it as negative and start labelling it as “my body wants to talk to me”.
Don’t ignore yourself.
You are your best friends and You needs You.
Sometimes it can be hard to do it all by yourself.
That’s why you might need a coach to help you with your struggles, to guide you through your darkness into your light.
You might need a hypnotherapist or a meditation – it’s totally up to you.
While I’m not qualified yet, I am learning to become a Self-Love coach.
Feel free to get in touch on lucy@selfloveacademy.co.uk to book a personal session with me.
No matter how you choose to heal, I really wish you healing.
Malignant shame and how to overcome it. Photo credit: cottonbro on pexels.com
I want to share something that has been hurting me my entire life and perhaps it might be relatable.
Shame and guilt.
I grew up witnessing people take advantage of my parents’ kindness and generosity. Whether it was their money, time, help, positive emotions – they used and abused it.
I don’t want to paint too dramatic a picture but it did affect me to the point that at 31 years of age, I feel incredibly stressed around people who I think might take advantage of me. It is hard for me to trust people and I only want to do good things as long as it’s not at the expense of my own well-being.
When I was growing up, and guests would come visit (the kind of guests who I knew were not genuine), I would stay in my room refusing to come out and say hi.
Yes, it was a form of anti-social, weird behaviour.
And my parents shamed me for that big time. They used the word “nekrasivo”, which roughly translated from Russian means “impolite”.
Needless to say, I felt inadequate. I questioned whether I was doing the right thing or whether they were correct in calling out my actions. But I couldn’t make myself pretend I liked them. I just couldn’t. I still can’t pretend, all my emotions are written in bold caps lock all over my face and in my body language, my energy.
Many years past, none of those guests is our friend now. They got what they wanted and never had another reason to talk to us. Some of them were our relatives, some – friends, colleagues, business partners.
Yet my inadequate antisocial behaviour stayed with me. And instead of my parents I now have other people around me shaming me for that, saying I’m not “normal”, I’m not adequate, I’m impolite, I’m rude, I should be ashamed.
And it is true that I need to own up to my actions and admit that I don’t always treat people nicely because of my childhood. I am excessively cautious, sometimes excessively nice and then abruptly distant.
I need to work through it with an expert because it does affect my life and relationships with the loved ones, I might be hurting people’s feelings as a result, too.
However, I refuse to be shamed. I refuse to accept that I am an inadequate, antisocial, rude human being.
I refuse to feel guilt – taking responsibility is not a problem at all but feeling guilty for the pain I carry inside like every other person is not something I can subscribe to.
Instead of feeling guilty and ashamed, take responsibility. Don’t look back, look forward. You are enough.
Self-Love Academy
Nobody knows that I am my own biggest critic, harshest judge, that I sometimes drown in self-doubt especially after doing something that has even a 1% chance of hurting someone else.
There are still a lot of things I can improve about myself, and things I can get rid of as they’re not a genuine part of me but an acquired habit.
And I want everyone to know that while we may be imperfect and make mistakes, hurt others’ feelings unintentionally as a result of our own inner struggles, it is not really us. It’s our baggage. We at the core are enough, we are perfect.
And the more we accept ourselves as perfect and enough, adequate and normal, the better we become. No matter what anyone says or thinks, the only way out of shame, guilt and misery is knowing that I am enough. I am normal. What I feel is normal.
The only way to have a good relationship with the world and everyone in it is by accepting yourself the way you are, knowing yourself and cutting yourself some slack.
And accepting others as well, they are just the same.
I don’t identify myself with my acquired fears and emotional baggage. I do need to get rid of it because it’s not me, but the less I hurt myself the less I hurt others. The less I allow thoughts like “I’m rude, I’m weird, awkward blahblah”, the less I am any of those things. Instead, I can change the narrative to
“I’m empowered to be better and to let go of the fears that control me”.
Malignant, useless, unfair shame is not something you deserve. You deserve love, and, most importantly, self-love.
Following on from yesterday’s post on the key ingredient of self-love, discipline, today I’m sharing with you an interesting trick that has been my go-to hack recently.
One disclaimer though, it requires self-awareness. What is self-awareness? It is being able to observe your mind chatter, your emotions, feelings, physical state and understand what they might be signalling. Simple example: “Lucy, it seems you are more annoyed with people today than usual. I haven’t eaten properly all day and didn’t sleep well last night – could I get something healthy to eat and take a nap?”.
If you can track your thoughts and feelings throughout your day, you know when you’re getting distracted by something unimportant: social media, TV, chats with friends and family, games, apps, cleaning etc. You can catch yourself wasting your time, stealing your own precious time, filling it with zero added value activities.
You can feel this discomfort of avoiding the activities that you had planned for the day, the ones that are contributing to your long-term goals. And, once you find yourself on YouTube watching a compilation of comedy skits, or replying to a friend who’s sent you a dozen of memes, or mindlessly scrolling through your Insta feed, you stop. Stop, just for a moment.
Instead of doing the things that you feel like doing, that entertain you, you need to do the opposite. You need to do the things that you DON’T. FEEL. LIKE. DOING. The ones you got planned for the day, the ones that move you closer towards your goal. Do them in the same way: mindlessly. Don’t overthink it. You don’t need to know how you’ll do it, why you’ll be doing it, whether you’re doing it right or wrong. All you have to do is shift your energy from dopamine-boosting BS to value-adding quests.
Self-love requires commitment, like any other serious relationship.
Self-Love Academy
You can start slowly, incorporating one important task into your day. Soon enough you will find yourself feeling weird masochistic pleasure from depriving yourself of cute cat vids, Instagram stories and dating TV shows during the day in favour of working hard on creating the life of your dreams. One small task after another, you’ll get addicted to disciplining yourself. You will feel unproductive and disappointed if you haven’t done at least one value-added task.
It is essential to slowly realise that dopamine-releasing entertainment is bad for your mental, emotional and physical health. Just like sweets, it’s awesome when you can savour it, enjoy it every once in a while but not feed on it. It’s going to become clear to you that this isn’t what life is all about. Too much of anything leads to imbalance and eventually results in chaos.
I’m not telling you off or lecturing you, trust me on this one. I spend so much time on Instagram, YouTube and messenger apps that I genuinely feel bad for myself. I have recently started looking at my life with a more sober critical eye and seeing hours and hours of wasteful binging. Ok, I have looked at all of the celebrity accounts and found out their dates of birth and whatnot – how has it benefitted me? What have I accomplished? How have I shown love and dedication towards myself? The answer was a bit brutal: no, Lucy, you just spent time consuming information you will forget and never really need.
Be honest with yourself. Love, including self-love, is not just a fancy word. It requires commitment, like any other serious relationship.
Show commitment towards yourself. Catch yourself wasting your time on people you don’t know, on cats you’ll never adopt, on TV shows that will most likely teach you nothing. There is time and place for this but your time is for you and your goals, dreams, desires. Respect your time and spend it on yourself.
Hope this helps you, dear reader – do share your thoughts / ask questions, I’m always happy to learn from you and help you learn, too.
Today I want to share something that’s been on my mind lately.
No BS, only truth.
Right, so I am a very spiritual person, no doubt – my parents told me stories of when I was 3-4 years old, how I tried to solve problems in my life with love and compassion. When my cousin hit me, I told him “Don’t do it, okay, we are a family”, or when a girl at my kindergarten group bullied me, instead of following my dad’s advice to punch her back, I decided to calmly talk to her and asked her, “Why are you bullying me? Have I done something wrong? If so, I’m sorry”. It worked.
While I’m learning about this world almost solely through self-analysis, introspection, I can get carried away at times. For a long time I’ve been dreaming about becoming a business person. Moving to another country. Finding a deep emotional connection in my personal relationships.
The problem with all of the above is that it’s all in my head. Of course, there are things that our heart / soul / spirit / higher self (whatever you want to call it) communicate to us through discomfort that we might feel from certain situations in our lives, through urges to go and pursue something, sometimes even through dreams or real-life challenges. What I struggle with the most is action.
Consistent action – this is a core ingredient in your life. You cannot achieve anything just by dreaming it into reality, manifesting, talking to your friends about it. You cannot achieve anything just by sitting around waiting for it, hoping you will one day have the guts / motivation / energy or whatever else you’re missing right now to do it. Nobody will come to rescue you, most likely, if you just keep on waiting. Nothing will change much, as long as you are simply waiting.
No matter how spiritual or down-to-earth you are, dear reader, what I’ve realised and what might help you, too – because we all want a better life for ourselves, one that can make us happier – is that everyone, without any exceptions, need to develop discipline to move both your hands and legs towards your wish. Nothing else will work as effectively as ACTION. And in order to act, you must master one key area in the world of self-love: discipline.
I am sick of such buzzwords as “motivation”, “law of attraction”, “inspiration” – chances are, we will never have it. Imagine! NEVER. Why? It’s simply because they don’t exist until and unless you decide to act, and you take action. Consistently. Motivation doesn’t come from watching numerous videos of Tony Robbins and Jay Shetty. Law of attraction is forever going to stay a vague concept if you’re not out there in the world doing something. Inspiration may enter your life as a result of strong feelings, such as being in love, but they will fade away, leaving you with no dopamine, adrenaline, phenylethylamine and no inspiration.
Act now, and forget about energy, motivation and inspiration. They are illusory and impractical.
Good news is, you don’t have to bust your a$$. Taking consistent action doesn’t mean you need to work 24/7 on your dreams. I often hear busy mothers, full-time employees and just pretty much anyone with any number of responsibilities, no matter how big or small, complain about not having the time / energy / will to do anything that, in the long term, will make them fulfilled. I don’t judge nevertheless – I am not a mom, not an employee, and even I manage to come up with many reasons why I can’t do anything today, which translates into “ever”.
I digress – you do not need a lot of time to take consistent action. All you need is consistency. Once a month? Once a week? Whatever works for you but you have to do it, as if it’s as inevitable as wiping after toilet. With time, make it more frequent. Slightly longer hours. Key rules: it has to be something you enjoy doing (even if you only think you enjoy it and when it comes to taking action, you’re all sorts of lazy and tired), it has to contribute towards your long-term vision of your dream life, and you need to experiment to see what works best in your field. For example, if you create content, try various ways of doing it, rather than sticking to one only to find that it doesn’t work. That is it. It doesn’t have to be perfect.
I’d suggest starting with x minutes a day, x days a week if you’re coming from a place of “not doing at all because no time”. It’s best if you link it with another activity that you engage in every day, such as after having breakfast or brushing teeth. If you fail to take action for a number of days, weeks etc. – it’s fine. Get back up, try again. You only need to keep in mind that you have your whole entire life ahead of you and if you want it to be whatever you want it to be, you gotta act asap. Nothing else will bring you the results you’re longing for.
Many people don’t know where to start, what to do, where to go – I mean, first of all, coaches exist for this very reason. If you’re sceptical about coaching, you can try a session with me for free. I am a self-love coach and discipline falls under this umbrella and lands right at the core of it. Coaching helps because it can keep you accountable, if nothing else.
In order not to turn into a sales pitch, which it isn’t, you are just a google search away from a whole load of instruments that can help you understand where to start. One of the most basic yet still incredibly powerful tools is a wheel of life. You can play with it in any way you wish. You can start with any area of your life, the one which is most accessible to you right now for whatever reasons. Start by outlining the next step – what does it look like? I know some people and certainly been one of those people for whom a simple trip to a grocery store is an achievement – and it’s absolutely fine. Don’t start with a big ambitious next step if all you need to do to make yourself feel better is do the groceries and cook yourself a dinner.
Tiny achievements every day. As tiny as you want but the big idea is that they have to make you feel better about yourself. Something very small that can make you feel proud. With time, you will develop a habit of making yourself feel proud. The steps will evolve with you. You only need to see the one in front of you, and walk it.
I give you a hug, I take off your veil as I’ve taken off mine, Life is more than what we experience in our heads – and I believe in you, in me, in us.
I was born and raised in Southern Siberia. It matters because I was born in the USSR and, although it dissolved when I was just under one year of age, its existence was imprinted all over my being. You know, in a communist country you were not supposed to stand out. There is empirical data stating that Soviet and borderline-Soviet people associated themselves with a collective rather than an individual.
The following is based on my own observations but what I’ve noticed among the people of my parents’ generation is the need to sacrifice. I can only speak for myself here but growing up I had no idea what self-love even meant. I used to believe that putting yourself first meant being selfish, bad, egocentric.
It is obvious that self-sacrifice felt quite normal to me… When I first went to school, I realised that I was a lot taller than my classmates. I was also a lot more serious than them. I just didn’t fit in. And because I had this inherited need to fit in, to be a part of a collective, to avoid standing out from the crowd, I immediately got disappointed in myself. I knew I didn’t want to be like them but I needed to. Although I didn’t even try to fit in (had no idea how), my self-esteem was as good as ruined. It’s good that no one really bullied me as I never paid attention to bullies (just couldn’t, I didn’t understand them) but somehow quite often I’d end up crying in a closet, telling myself I wasn’t worthy, questioning what was wrong with me.
No wonder that at school I tried to be a good student. I’d be freaking terrified of my teachers. Some of them were particularly demanding and unforgiving. How many tears I cried trying to get my homework done on time, perfectly, so that no one would yell at me, or humiliate me in front of the class. Not that it ever happened to me personally but it did happen to other students, and when you already stand out and don’t fit in, being told off in front of everyone felt like a complete nightmare to me. I’d also get sick often, which didn’t help with anything. I was having bad dreams about missing class until I turned 30.
All of the above might sound like a normal story of an average misfit but to me it meant that I spent a good portion of my life with ruined self-esteem, an inflated sense of responsibility (put the task at hand above all else), not quite knowing who I was as a person, not knowing how to value myself, endless fears, co-dependency, the so-called good girl syndrome and simply complete lack of self-awareness – infinite emptiness inside.
Nobody taught me how to love myself. It was quite the opposite, in the post-Soviet environment being yourself, loving and respecting yourself was synonymous to egocentrism. I didn’t have one good example in front of me. The only person who allegedly “loved only himself” was my granddad, and he was an alcoholic his entire adult life.
The typical phrases you’d hear from a person in the post-Soviet Russia would be “think about your mother / children / what people would say”, “doesn’t matter what you want, I also want many things but I keep my mouth shut”, “ungrateful, I’ve spent my best years on you and this is how you pay me”. But overall, it’s no one’s fault I wasn’t aware of self-love, it was just the way it turned out.
However, it is important to mention that I had a happy childhood despite having low self-esteem, which was a result of many factors like the society I grew up in, being different from my classmates, being overly sensitive. My parents did their absolute best and more to make sure we were as happy as we could be, and for that I am incredibly grateful.
Relationships
Despite my upbringing and the society I grew up in, I was always a spiritual person – for as long as I can remember myself. My parents were not religious and rarely (if ever) talked about God. I prayed almost every night before bed – and I knew I didn’t have to go to church to pray. I figured that I had my own God – the one and only, the divine kindness, who was available to everyone, whose existence wouldn’t divide people but bring them together. I was into all kinds of spiritual books and enjoyed a conversation with adults more than with kids my age. I was often called a “little philosopher”.
I went to Europe to study when I was 17. I met a French guy, we started dating. My, my. I wasn’t ready for a relationship. It was a disaster. Poor guy. The problem was that I was somehow trying to consume all of his attention, and even that was not enough. In almost no time, I entered an unhealthy co-dependent relationship and there was no one to explain what was wrong with me, or with the relationship.
One thing I’d hear repeatedly in Russia was that “all men cheated”. It was ingrained in my head, turning into my biggest relationship fear, poisoning my life for the next 12 years. Shortly after the French guy broke up with me, I met another person. Nothing changed in me – I was the same immature control freak. Nothing to be proud of. Memories make me cringe to this day.
Well, I tried to be a version of a good girlfriend in a relationship, which was considered a norm in post-Soviet Russia: obedient, self-sacrificing, giving. Only I couldn’t. Plus, I’d demand attention, I’d lose temper for any and every reason, scream and cry like a baby, check phones and doubt my partner’s faithfulness 99% of the time. I don’t know how anyone could survive this. The worst thing was that I couldn’t explain my behaviour, couldn’t control it no matter how hard I tried, couldn’t stop. I was guided by my fears and my fears only.
Even now it is hard for me to accept my past. It is painful to be reminded of what I used to do to myself and my loved ones. Of the years lost – I wasn’t really awake, I wasn’t really alive.
Work
I used to struggle at work. My first job in London, I felt so out of place, so awkward. It’s a freaking sad thing to admit but on my first day at work I cried in the ladies’ room during lunch break. It was the first time I was pretty much the only foreigner on the floor full of British people. And although I was surrounded by great talented people, I was in a state of constant cultural shock. “Best years” of my life. We lived 1.5 hrs away from my office, near Heathrow, in a tiny place / repurposed shed pretty much next to our landlord. My personal life was at an all-time-low. I even had to take a day off at work after we had a particularly difficult talk lasting until 5am in the morning – f*cking nightmare.
I now recall one of my colleagues asked me about my hobbies at a team social. I said I didn’t have any. I felt like such a boring person, a failure. Now, looking back, I realise I couldn’t have hobbies. I was a foreigner in a state of perpetual cultural shock, spending 3 hours a day on commute living in a teeny-tiny property (don’t even know how to call it) with the landlord (don’t ask me why it’s bad), managing 10 client accounts (5 of them were big well-known brands), constantly burnt out (also, hi Heathrow 5am alarm clock), utterly and completely unhappy in my personal relationship – I didn’t have time for friends either, so pretty much 0 friends on top of this whole shabang.
After a particularly hard day at work, I had a dream about having a terminal illness. The terror I felt having just one thought in my astral mind: “I spent my life working in a job I hate” woke me up. I handed in my notice a few days later. By the time I left my first job, I had an eczema-like irritation and heart palpitations on a daily basis. Thankfully, the irritation disappeared shortly after but heart palpitations were a leaving gift I couldn’t get rid of.
Mind you, I’m not blaming anyone for all of the above, I wouldn’t even blame myself… It was what it was.
Shortly after I had to find a new job in the same industry. The company was more diverse, which was a good thing for me as I feel more comfortable when I’m not the only foreigner around. However, the job itself didn’t make any sense to me. I had no idea what I was doing nor why. So, even though on the surface it looked like I was doing just fine in life: a girl from Siberia working in a world-renowned agency in London, being in charge of a big client’s account, emptiness and dissatisfaction inside of me were growing out of proportion. After 8 months in that job I began noticing that my face would get super oily for no reason. I had to wash or wipe my face and re-apply make-up a few times a day.
Soon enough I also began noticing small bumps all over my face. They would then turn into good-sized painful cysts. I won’t go into too much detail but long story short, I had to quit my job without even serving my notice – my face was full of those. I couldn’t face (pardon the pun) not just going to the office but going outside in general. Quite often I’d fight the urge to walk out of my window on the 7th floor. I had to miss two of my friends’ weddings because I was convinced I looked like a monster.
Every cloud has a silver lining
It wasn’t just my face that was suffering as a result of years of stress, lack of self-love, melancholy and fears. I felt dizzy, had brain fog, couldn’t think straight. Heart palpitations were still a thing. I was scared and desperate. Spent loads of time and money on miracle solutions, gels, creams, vitamins, supplements. Paid ÂŁ500 for a visit to an alternative medicine doctor – hope it illustrates just how terrified I was. Not because I was stupid to go straight to a questionable medical practice but my GP said it was fine, no need to worry lol! And I sure as hell didn’t want to go to a dermatologist because taking stuff like Accutane was not an option for me (had already had a pretty sad experience with hormonal pills prescribed by a doctor, so tried to avoid any chemical stuff).
Within just a few months, I had cupboards full of treatments that did nothing, so I turned to diets. I tried anti-candida, FODMAP, vegan, keto, raw… Nothing seemed to help. The only thing that did seem to make me feel a bit better were the Medical Medium’s juices, especially celery.
Worth mentioning my self-esteem was non-existent and people would stare at me almost everywhere. I’d avoid seeing anyone I knew. It was so disheartening I can’t even tell but every person with a visible difference in their appearance has experienced it.
All this time I was obviously questioning why it was happening to me. I had a lingering feeling that this was not a physical illness but rather a spiritual one. One day after having spent a few hours reading about experiences of people on anti-candida diet (which pretty much said you could never have carbs again haha), I was like “F*ck it”. I need to dig deeper than diets and medicines. I searched for “spiritual causes of acne” and I came across a video on YouTube by Think Clear Skin, where Chris told his story of suffering from acne. He observed that he’d always been afraid of being seen. He’d be afraid to be himself, to express his true self, preferring to stay in the shadow. He also noticed that normally people who suffer from bad adult acne would have problems with self-esteem and come across as shy and insecure individuals, including himself. Needless to say, I was all ears. Every word rang true to me. It was a start of my epiphany, my self-love journey.
So I went down this spiritual path, reading books, watching videos, gobbling up articles on spiritual causes of illnesses. I remember quite vividly reading a book our friend gifted us, “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle – the first time I discovered the idea of the “pain body”. Tolle explained that you are not your pain body. You are not your ego. You are not your hurt, grudge, resentment, fears. You are a free spirit. He told his story about his deep depression and how one day he just realised that the depression was a separate entity, and that he could be free from it if he could stay focused on being in tune with his soul, in the moment.
And as I was trying to focus on my spirit, I felt it. I felt how huge and heavy my pain body was. How long I’d been carrying around the weight of that enormous emotional and mental baggage. How it was dragging me down. Keeping me hostage. Stealing my life and myself from me. And, in fact, how light and bright my spirit was without all of that pain.
Knowing that my crazy breakouts were actually a way of my body, my spirit to cry for help and draw my attention to the chaos going on inside me, I knew I had to unpack that baggage making up my emotional and mental pain body, dismantle it and leave it behind. It didn’t even matter if I’d be able to achieve healthy skin again, I just wanted to free my soul and get in touch with it.
Another wonderful moment I experienced was when I found actual evidence of someone else being present in me. I found it online as well, this ritual when you look into your eyes in the mirror attentively and with love, and slowly tell yourself: “I am here for you and I am sorry I let you down. I love you and we will get through it together” – or anything you feel like saying to the most important and valuable person in your life, when you express your feelings for them for the first time. I mean it just broke me down. I knew that I’d been waiting for it for ages. I’d been waiting for me to tell myself I loved myself. To say sorry for all the shit I’d done to myself. Even now I’m crying, it was really emotional.
So there was no turning back, once I knew there was a beautiful pure soul who couldn’t wait to get out – may sound cheesy but I’m being sincere. I as a person am not perfect, I’m not entirely pure or great – but I can say with confidence that my spirit is because I saw it, I talked to it, I felt it.
Self-love did not exist in my life up until that point. But when it entered my life, I couldn’t be that old version of myself any longer. Spent the next two-three years unpacking a big chunk of trash from my being, and with every old spoilt and moldy emotion I let go of, I could see more of my true self. And I kept falling in love with this person, more and more with each day.
My pain ran as far back as my early childhood. Most of it was in my childhood. Getting to know myself also involved crying (a lot!!!), pillow screaming (sometimes it works a treat lol), affirmations, identifying and getting rid of limiting beliefs, finding and structuring my boundaries with people, being aware of my thoughts, feelings and motives behind my actions or reactions. Choosing myself over temptations, taking care of my physical body, nurturing and self-care (ok ok, taking baths in almond milk can be a part of self-love but believe it or not, it’s not required haha!). Self-care is not just spa, baths and smoothies – it’s actually just finding an hour to sit down with yourself and your thoughts, not judging, just letting yourself be.
Alright, some of you might be wondering whether my acne got any better. After the first “crying session”, when I lived through a really old memory of my mom questioning me why I couldn’t go to the swimming pool classes like the other kids, I woke up the next day and I was shocked to find that my skin looked a lot better. I kept at it, working on myself, but clear skin was not my goal. I wanted to be happy, express myself and feel free.
Lots of different techniques, many of which were just intuitive, went into my self-love work. It honestly changed my life. Every aspect of it. Relationships, work, health – I mean, it was a total makeover. But the best thing is, I wasn’t working on my relationships, or work, or health – I was working on self-love, understanding, knowing, valuing, and nurturing myself and my self only.
Something that for the longest time was a bad thing in my head (didn’t want to end up like my granddad “only loving myself”) actually turned out to be beneficial for everyone around me.
Of course, I’d be lying if I told you that oh now I love and accept myself fully, so I’ve done it all. No, it’s lifelong learning but it’s so enjoyable and awesome, even if challenging, scary or disappointing at times.
I now know that this is the best thing you can get in life – and imagining a world where everyone took responsibility for making oneself happy, I intend to share it with you in the best way possible.
If you want to join me, make sure to leave your email address below for more updates ❤️
Fear is an essential feeling: it ensures our survival. Fear makes us reasonable in our expectations. We don’t expect to jump off a cliff, get up and dust off as if nothing happened. We can thank our fears for not letting us swear at a boss, walk around naked, and drive 200mph on a busy motorway. Fear, like many other seemingly negative feelings, can be good. However, only in healthy doses and in appropriate circumstances.
When does fear become unhealthy? The answer is quite straightforward: fear becomes an unhealthy feeling when it begins controlling one’s life. Many of us are riddled with fears. I am not an exception. For the most part of my life, fears dictated not only the way I lived but also who I was. The way I dressed, the way I spoke, the way I behaved. “What if I will offend someone, what if someone will think I’m stupid, awkward, ugly…”, “What if something happens to my loved ones, what if something happens to me…”, “What if they won’t like me, what if he doesn’t love me, what if I’m left all on my own…”, “What if I run out of money, what if I don’t find another job, what if I’m just an untalented piece of shit?!” – the list goes on and on.
Needless to say, when every move you make and every word you say comes from a place of fear rather than truth, life becomes a chore. It’s not even a nightmare, it is really a chore: something you hate doing but you have to. With time, I got so used to it, that I lost myself. For a long time, I felt trapped. As if I was watching my life pass me by through a cage carefully crafted from a vast array of fears. Days turned into months, months turned into years. Not much changed. I was still a frightened bug caught in a web. Something as simple as going out for a walk on my own would make my stomach turn.
It led me to developing massive co-dependency. Whenever I had to do things by myself, a survival mode would switch on. I felt as if I couldn’t stand straight on my own, as if even a slight gust of wind could sweep me off my feet. That’s how insecure I felt. Is this Lucy walking down the street? Most certainly not, Lucy is amazing, confident, she illuminates the surroundings with her presence. It’s not Lucy walking down the street like a shadow of a person, no. It’s her fears.
Fears also nearly ruined my personal life. Almost every friendship, every relationship I had. My romantic relationships were a complete disaster. How are you supposed to provide love, kindness and support to another human being when you’re being eaten alive from within? My fear of lies and betrayal literally drove me and the people I loved mad. It turned me into a control freak, someone I didn’t want to be. I just couldn’t fight it: when inside you, you carry more fears than your own self, it is hard to stay in charge.
Long story short, fears eat you and your life away, one bite at a time. They enter your life when you least expect it and then find a comfortable place in your brain, until they make their way into the control room. Is that you shouting at your kids, is that you rejecting a dear friend, is that you saying yes to a job you know you’ll hate? Or is it the fear of your children growing up unruly, is it the fear of getting hurt by your friends, is it the fear of being in need? Was it me checking my boyfriends’ phones or was it the fear of betrayal, which entered my life on a fine sunny day when I learnt from my mother than all men were cheaters?
Fears do not represent us. They are most definitely a part of us, a natural part of human experience. However, they are not who we really are. Remove fears – and you may find yourself. When fear is unfounded, it acts as an imaginary obstacle. In most cases, the source of fear is a simple desire to control life and fight uncertainty. We want to know what will happen to us. We want to avoid pain, disappointment, loneliness. That’s why we crave certainty. We yearn for something that can never be granted. No one can give you a cast-iron guarantee about anything in life. It is terrifying to realise this but it can also be quite liberating.
If you are prone to irrational fears, don’t beat yourself up. Don’t blame yourself for acting out of fear. It is not your fault – that’s how we are created, our human psyche is so complex. You are most definitely not expected to know how to deal with it. Nobody really knows how to handle ourselves: although we already know a lot, there is still so much to learn and uncover. And remember that you are not your fears. You are much more than that.
Act 2. Love
We have already established that living out of baseless fear is unproductive: it ruins joy, happiness, relationships and yourself. That said, it doesn’t mean that living out of love is as easy as pressing a reset button. First of, what does living out of love mean? Put simply, it means that you are connected with your inner source of love, you listen to it and you act in accordance with it. It doesn’t mean that you have to get rid of all your fears before you can live out of love. Quite the opposite. Most likely, living out of love will require you to accept that yes, you are afraid, you are petrified. You never “did it your way”. You never followed your gut / heart / inner voice (underline whatever’s applicable). Meaning it’s fine to be scared as you’re doing something for the first time and nobody can guarantee you that it’s the right choice for you.
Yes, you heard that right. Nobody can guarantee you that you won’t fail. You might even fail. You might even fail more than once. However, in doing so, you will know that it was your decision. If it was your decision, it means that you are in charge. You are in the driver’s seat. You can grow and evolve as a result. Yes, it might be more painful and uncomfortable than living snuggled under a fear blanket. At the same time, if we let fears control our lives, is the term “living” even appropriate? After all, it really is better to regret something that you have done than what you haven’t.
Caveat 1.One thing to note here, when talking about living out of love, it’s not implied that you should go crazy, go bungee jumping, or say “yes” to every opportunity that comes your way. I actually believe that living out of love can be done with a great deal of caution, which is not the same as fear. Caution means you look after yourself when venturing into the unknown. Caution means you let rational fears guide you but not stop you. Caution means you think and consider, analyse and research, and only then you make a decision but you do make it and you follow through with it rather than standing still. Caution means you don’t expect to jump off a cliff (because you think your heart said so) without a parachute and any repercussions. Reasonable caution is a form of self-love.
For example, say, you hate your job. Your heart is telling you to leave, find a better place. Your heart tells you to go study literature. Or open a flower shop. Or just move to another city and start anew. It would be totally irresponsible of me, a complete Internet stranger, to advise you to “just go for it”, “forget about everything and just quit”. I would strongly advise you to do your research, save up if you can, find an alternative temporary solution (which might be better, even if it’s not ideal). Devise a plan of action. Be careful not to jump at every opportunity – do not be desperate. Acting out of desperation is not that far from acting out of fear.
Watch your inner state, watch your thoughts, your feelings. If you feel really bad, lost, hurt, I personally think it’s best to pause and avoid making rash decisions. Living out of love doesn’t usually entail hurrying to quit your job (like, yesterday) because you hate it. It’s quite the opposite: you want to do something that you really love, something that truly inspires you – and that’s why you are quitting your job. It’s a completely different state of mind and spirit. You are taking a decision out of love, not hate.
Caveat 2.One more caveat that comes with living out of love: don’t be fooled by your mind’s tricks when it tells you to do something radical. Radical often means easy. In turn, easy can mean that it’s not right. Let’s illustrate it with another example: a woman and a man have been married for 20+ years, they have children together, then one day she finds out that he has cheated on her. She googles “what to do when husband cheats” and nearly every article, Reddit user and divorcee out there bluntly states that the only way is out. He is a horrible disgusting person, he will never change, he has betrayed you meaning he doesn’t love you, or respect you, or has any feelings for you whatsoever. It is easier to leave when someone betrays you. It seems to her that her heart is begging her to leave right this moment. And take the kids with her. But what if she decides to try and understand why it happened in the first place? Not because she must have mercy or forgive her husband, pretend it’s all fine and get on with it. But because she wants to see if this unfortunate situation can offer something meaningful and nurturing for her and her personal / spiritual growth. Something that can help her either mend the existing relationship or change her own behaviour to avoid the same mistakes in the future.
Summary
Dear reader, I know that this blog post is already too long by the modern standards. So, let’s summarise it right here: living out of irrational fear is bad, especially when it controls your whole life and doesn’t let you shine bright like a diamond. Living out of love does not mean going crazy and following whatever weird silly idea that comes to your head. Living out of love means knowing yourself, looking after yourself and making decisions for yourself and not against others (whether it’s a husband, a job, a parent etc.).
With all of that said, I wish myself and each and every person to live and act out of mature self-love ❤️
I didn’t love myself for the most part of my life.
I didn’t even know that I needed to. I’d simply brush off any advice containing these two words in the same sentence: “love” and “yourself”. In my little self-deprecating head, self-love was very similar to rocket science. Which is why I didn’t even bother learning more about it.
And that was fair enough since I grew up in the post-Soviet space, where the notion of self-love was synonymous to egocentrism. Putting yourself first, failure to think about others or to meet societal expectations were still frowned upon. Whereas self-sacrifice was considered a norm – almost like a gold medal earned at the expense of health and well-being: you could proudly demonstrate it to others along with your complete and utter unhappiness. It was particularly trendy to use self-sacrifice as a baseball bat you could beat up your loved ones with: “I spent the best years of my life on you!”.
Unsurprisingly, I followed the same pattern in life. I was trying to be good to others, for others. All the while carrying a gaping hole in my heart. I tried to fill it with someone else’s love by yearning for it, trying to earn it, demanding it. And, of course, ultimately failing at all of my attempts. Not because others didn’t love me. It was because I could never fill a broken cup.
I hated spending time on my own. My troubled thoughts would rush in the moment I found myself alone. Self-criticism, suspicions, fears. I never trusted people. And since my sick sense of self-worth was based entirely on the approval and love from others, I’d drive myself mad doubting their feelings and integrity. What a nightmare it was for me and my loved ones, replaying these memories in my head honestly saddens me.
So, a “perfect recipe” for a miserable life contains the following ingredients: lack or absence of self-love, daddy (or mommy) issues, immaturity, self-sacrifice as a means to obtaining love and approval from others, and sense of guilt for wanting to be yourself and doing what your heart desires.
When I finally began waking up to the need for self-love, I realised I had no idea how to do it and where to even start. My first steps were based on an Instagram-inspired understanding of the matter: take baths, apply face masks, soak in epsom salts. It felt good, it honestly did. Definitely didn’t increase my level of self-love but was probably nourishing for the skin.
I then started digging deeper. I had to, life left me little choice. My health was deteriorating for some unknown reason and I had to find a solution. A lasting solution. A spiritual one. I arrived at this decision after spending thousands of pounds on diets, supplements and miracle programs.
It might surprise some of you but the first step is to sit your ass down. Make sure you’re on your own in your space and will not be disturbed for the next few hours (better if you have half a day). You then need to tune in with your inner senses. If you’re finding it hard and your mind drifts away, try to focus your attention on your fingers, toes. Can you feel them? If you can, what do you think makes them feel so alive? Focus on that energy.
The purpose of this exercise is for you to become aware of yourself. It sounds dumb because we normally think that we already know that we exist, we know ourselves and sure as hell are aware of ourselves. The reality is that probably less than 1% of human beings are actually aware of their own presence. It’s a long and challenging journey but you can certainly do it by beginning to feel the energy in your fingers, toes, then body.
My experience with that was when I first sat down to feel myself, I realised that all of the pain in my soul was actually separate from me. I felt it – physically. I felt that all of the pain I’d been carrying around for years on end was not a part of me. It was its own entity that I could distance myself from – on a physical level. It was after reading Eckhart Tolle’s book that mentions a notion of a “pain body”.
Don’t worry if you don’t succeed at first. Keep practicing – even if you have only 5 minutes a day / a week: sit down with yourself and try to feel your presence, gradually separating your pain / doubts / insecurities / hurt / fears from You. You can even try imagining them as balls of yarn. Thread by thread, untangle it and separate it from your energy, presence and soul.
Step 2
After self-awareness comes awakening. Awakening to the fact that in order to love yourself, you first need to find yourself among the debris of limiting beliefs, fears, expectations, false identities that were instilled by your parents, or school teachers, or society. It could be from a trauma or multiple traumas. NB! If you think that you definitely didn’t experience any traumatic events, I can tell you for sure that you most probably did if you don’t love yourself. It can be as small as someone’s brash comment about your looks or as big as an actual trauma, e.g. if your parent mistreated you.
And, in order to find yourself, you need to get rid of all that rubbish that is not you. Let’s call it “spiritual self-care”. Your soul needs a bubbly bath just as much (if not more) as your body. After all, how often do you cleanse your soul? Well, exactly. Not even a shower or a quick rinse, eh? All those years…
Now, how do you cleanse your soul, I hear you ask? Well, the answer should be obvious enough: with tears. I know, my friend. Don’t tell me you’ve never cried or you don’t know how to do it. It’s the same as telling me you’ve never brushed your teeth and are not going to even try.
Ok, well for those of you who are really against tears: how do you usually release stress? I can only think of screaming, beating up your pillow(s), or smashing furniture (preferably something cheap, IKEA should do). As long as you don’t harm yourself or others, or make neighbours call the police, it should do the job.
The main purpose with this next exercise is to gradually release the pain that is not for you to carry. It’s not worth anything other than years lost on living someone else’s life. So you can safely discharge it and free up some space for much-needed selfish love.
I cried for two weeks straight. Then some more – and more. Just open the door and it will begin pouring out. If not, don’t worry. If you keep at it, it eventually will.
In order to make yourself cry, it’s best to try and replay the hurtful memories in your head. Don’t worry, if it caused you pain, you will most likely remember it pretty effortlessly. Art can also help with this therapy: you can write, draw, listen to the music on a similar topic, read a book that touches your soul, watch a film that you can relate to – anything will do.
However, please note that if your trauma is deep and serious, you should seek professional help – it’s dangerous to keep trying to help yourself when your burden is too heavy to lift on your own and you could do it safely with support from another person.
Step 3
Your spirit may not be as sparkly clean as we’d want it to but remember, it’s a gradual process and not an overnight miracle. Chances are, however, if you keep cleansing your internal being as often as you cleanse your exterior, you will feel a lot lighter.
The next step, once we’ve made some room for better things to enter our soul, is to fill it with these better things. I’m talking about affirmations. Practicing gratitude. Adopting more helpful beliefs while unlearning harmful ones.
I’d start by talking to yourself: do you have a mirror? Then look yourself in the eyes and tell yourself something very kind and loving. You may not believe it, that’s fine. You may want to cringe. You may want to look away. It may not make any sense – doesn’t matter! Just tell yourself: “I love you and I will never leave you. I’m sorry I’ve not been there for you but I am here now – and I won’t leave”.
If you make a habit out of talking to yourself in this kind of fashion: as you would to a close, dear friend, you will see how the inner being inside of you transforms into a more glowing and joyous one. After all, your spirit has always loved you and always waited for you to love it back.
Step 4
Ok, what’s next? I sit with myself, I cry with myself, I talk to myself – now what? Now, my friend, is the time we moved to others.
Boundaries is your step number 4. It’s one of the hardest steps as it involves other people as well. Don’t get me wrong though, you also need to build boundaries with yourself. It sounds confusing, but let me explain.
To start building boundaries with yourself, you need to keep your promises and have your best interests at heart. For example: you’re very tired after a long day at work and you just want to netflix’n’chill. However, just this morning you promised to yourself that you’d go to your yoga class. Or a cookery class. Or read a book. Whatever that is, that your soul wanted to do. And in order to make sure your inner being doesn’t get upset, you just go and do whatever your soul (not your cheeky lazy brain) desires. That said, sometimes you should order that takeaway or treat yourself – if that’s what You really want.
However, most times we have to learn to take actions that are in the best interests of our spirit. Our spirits are not here on this planet to mindlessly binge Game of Thrones or play drinking games with friends (although entertainment is not prohibited, it’s just not the main purpose – with some exceptions, I guess). So, what does your spirit wish you would do? Don’t pretend you don’t know the answer: as long as you’ve ever done something nourishing for your soul, you should be able to give at least one good answer.
Building and protecting your boundaries with others is where it gets complicated. Slowly but surely, learn to tune into your feelings and act in accordance with them. If you feel like saying “No”, say “Maybe” if a firm “no” feels a bit too hard to master at once. You don’t want to see your friends tonight? You don’t want to do your colleague a favour? You don’t like what someone said about your outfit? You can definitely set boundaries in a non-confrontational way. With time, you will also learn to avoid that feeling of guilt.
It might come as surprise to you but nobody really cares about what we say or do – at least not as much as we assume. Ok, maybe your parents are control freaks – but even then you can arrive at a comfortable place, where you live by your own rules and you don’t let anyone break the boundaries that matter to you the most.
As we are humans and we can never be perfect, chances are, your boundaries will suffer: whether it’s someone else or your own mistreatment of yourself, that is fine. Just make sure you don’t try to silence your inner voice when it tells you it doesn’t like something. That is, if you want to learn to love yourself.
Step 5
Now that you’ve realised the problem, spring cleaned, furnished your new space with helpful items and built a sturdy fence to protect it, now all you need to do is enjoy it.
You might think: “Wait, what?! Is that it?!”. As if enjoying is an easy thing to do! It’s the hardest, most dreadful part in the journey to mastering self-love. I will explain why.
Rebuilding your self-love will most likely lead to you rethinking your life. Once you’ve completed all of the previous steps, your new challenge is to start living by your new rules in line with your new vision. You now have the duty of listening to yourself and living in line with what you hear. At least more or less. This is the key to enjoying your newly acquired self-love: you’ve got to practice it. Make it your new motto.
Practicing self-love isn’t as easy (although not exclusive of) as taking a bath or applying a face mask. It means living in alignment with who you truly are and with your true desires. By “desires” I don’t mean finding a partner, starting a family or becoming a billionaire (although who’s going to judge you if you truly want any of these things). I mean, what do You want? Name at least one thing – any thing – and do it.
It also means being brave enough to fall short of expectations, go against what others want from you if that’s not what you want, leaving things and people that don’t serve you behind. Or taking the decision to stick with certain situations or surroundings – knowing and feeling that it is for your own good.
And, most importantly, enjoying the process. And yes, self-love is a process and it takes a lifetime. There will always be something to work on, work through, understand, forgive, release, find a new path or affirmation, build a new boundary, and repeat. This is the beauty of life, and the beauty of life in self-love is for evermore profound. Not because you get to be yourself and feel good about it but also because you are evolving, learning, growing – and becoming the best version of your wonderful, inspiring, magnificent self.
Come to the Dark Side, we have cookies. Photo credit: R.D. Smith unsplash.com
Sometimes (perhaps, most times!) loving yourself also means loving your demons. Gently embracing your dark side. Coming to terms with an enormous variety of personas, all of whom form a unique and wonderful You.
1. Theory
Not so long ago, I sat down in a circle of like-minded people to share tea in silence. It was not my first experience of a silent tea ceremony and every time it led me to interesting discoveries. There is something extremely special about the need to stay still and sip tea slowly, mindfully – no matter how you feel inside, you can’t disturb others or rush the experience.
This time, I feel particularly restless. My mind is overflowing with thoughts as I am setting an intention to let go. Why do I want to let go? You see, I had been looking for a job for a long time with no luck and numerous rejections. As a result, my anxiety related to job search continued to grow. Together with the number of negative thoughts and paralysing fears. If it goes on like this, I thought to myself, it won’t be long until I hit rock bottom.
Incessant thinking does not seem to stop as I am finishing my second cup of tea. I still have time to relax and enjoy it. However, will the thoughts go away or are my attempts at stopping them futile? I begin worrying about failing to feel peaceful and failing to let go, relax. I’d hoped that the tea ceremony would bring me much needed serenity. If it won’t, I don’t know what will.
As I was sinking deeper into my troubling thoughts and feelings, an image came to my mind. I pictured my overactive mind as a wild black horse, galloping in a green field, with a rapidly approaching storm in the background. I tried to catch the horse, stop it, shout at it – pointless. It was only becoming wilder and more hostile, while I was feeling increasingly frustrated by it.
A few cups later and many attempts of catching the horse in my imagination, it dawned on me: let go. Don’t try to stop it. Embrace it. Accept it. It is a part of you, so it is never going away. Why don’t you show it some love? Why are you trying to fight it instead of surrendering to it?
The moment I thought that and felt love for this troubled wild horse, it approached me. I gently touched its head and embraced it. I whispered: “I understand you, you have the right to feel what you feel and think what you think. It’s not been easy for you. I’m sorry for rejecting and blaming you – I accept you as part of me”. This moment brought tears into my eyes as I could feel the horse’s gratitude for accepting it, giving it love and thereby freeing both of us. A moment later, it galloped gracefully into a softly glowing sunrise. I smiled at a sense of complete tranquillity inside.
What did this spiritual awakening teach me? Our dark side needs love, too. It needs understanding. Yes, it can trouble us, make us feel miserable, drive us into deep depressions and raise our stress levels to the limits. However, denying it, fighting it, rejecting it will only make things worse. After all, there is a reason for its existence and a very sound one.
So remember this next time you find yourself possessed by some form of negativity and darkness. Open your heart to it, realise the fact that every thought and emotion is valid because we are humans, who are made up of yin and yang, good and bad, happy and sad. Love your negativity, talk to it as if it was your beloved friend in an urgent need of kindness and understanding.
After all, as Martin Luther King rightly taught us: “Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.”
2. Practice
It might sound very good and simple in theory. However, when it comes to practice, many of us struggle to understand what it might actually entail. In this section of the article you can find an example of how you can potentially incorporate this practice into your life.
Prior to providing the example, a few things to clarify: “dark side” refers to our thoughts and feelings rather than habitual harmful behaviours towards oneself and others. When it comes to persistent harmful behaviours, it is important to seek help from a certified professional as causes are likely to be complex.
Secondly, accepting does not mean endorsing. It means dissolving it. When a negative feeling / thought / emotion is surrounded by strong positive vibes, it will eventually transform into a more beneficial experience.
Example: Alice & Anxiety
There are times in everyone’s life when something starts bothering us. Whether it’s a problem that seems impossible to resolve, or a highly anticipated outcome, or a number of issues that weigh heavily on our shoulders… Anxiety tends to build up over time as we ignore troubling thoughts or try to shake them off. It is only natural to avoid or postpone facing difficulties. The only trouble here is that these thoughts and feelings rarely go away on their own.
Let’s take a more specific example. Alice is afraid of flying. However, she can’t escape it as her new job requires taking frequent business trips. Moreover, her new manager reminds her a lot of her previous manager, whom she did not like but couldn’t exactly pinpoint the reason for it. Finally, she’s been putting off calling her mom as she’s been feeling overwhelmed with everything else. A few weeks later Alice’s anxiety is reaching peak levels as her first business trip with her new manager is fast approaching and she’s feeling increasingly guilty for not calling her mother. What should Alice do based on the theory of “embracing your dark side”?
Step 1. Alice needs to make time for herself. Book this time in her calendar and make sure that she’s not disturbed or distracted.
Step 2. She writes down all of the troubling thoughts that have been playing non-stop in the background and consuming a lot of her energy, resulting in low productivity and even more anxiety.
Step 3. Time to examine each thought in detail. She begins with the fear of flying. First of all, come to terms with the presence of this fear. Yes, I am afraid of flying. I want to understand why. Alice asks herself the following questions: what is this fear? When did it first occur? What was it related to? What exactly makes me anxious about the idea of taking a flight? What are the reasons for my anxiety? What happens if something does go wrong? What are the best and the worst case scenarios? Is my fear rational or irrational? What can I do to make it easier for me?
Step 4. Once a thought and related feelings are examined, it’s time to embrace them. Try to relate to your fear as if it was your friend. Understand it. Yes, we are all afraid of certain things and it’s perfectly OK. Yes, you might never fully overcome this fear and it’s also OK. Your fear is OK. And so are you. Give your imaginary fear or anxious thought an imaginary hug, ask for its forgiveness and forgive it.
Step 5. Alice proceeds to apply the same principle to her worries about the manager and the feeling of guilt for not calling her mom. As for the manager, she realises that he talks to her in a strict and demanding manner, as if he was her teacher or parent. This makes her feel uncomfortable: first of all, she is not a child. Secondly, she doesn’t want to be micromanaged as Alice doesn’t perform at her best when she is. She works on embracing these feelings, understanding their validity and decides to discuss her views and feelings in an open, diplomatic yet firm way.
Step 6. Feeling guilty about postponing important tasks is wrong. Guilt neither helps you accomplish anything nor simplifies the situation. All it does is adds to anxiety. Nevertheless it is absolutely fine to feel guilty about not calling loved ones. They matter to you and you want to let them know you’re safe, as well as find out how they are doing. It is also OK not to call them anyway because you’ve been busy and overwhelmed. Thankfully, there is a simple solution to this problem: Alice forgives herself for not calling her mom and for feeling guilty. She understands that as a human being it’s impossible to be a perfect daughter and a perfect person. Then she counts down from 5 to 0 and dials mom’s number.
Conclusion
On a final note, here is a 5 minute practice (that was kindly shared by The Crystal Tarot Girl on her YouTube channel) for the times when you’re on the go and can’t afford to sit down and analyse your feelings in detail:
Sit down somewhere quiet (could even a bathroom)
Breathe in and out a few times to feel more grounded
Close your eyes and place both hands on your chest (over your heart)
Say “I acknowledge part of me is feeling *describe, e.g. “sad”* about *describe, e.g. “an argument with a friend”* and I choose to let these feelings flow through me freely, right now
Deep breath in and out, then gently open your eyes, look at yourself kindly and with understanding (as if you’re the Puss in Boots from Shrek)
Hope the above theory and practice will help you on your journey to loving your dark side 🙂
Self-Love academy 