If we received a penny every time we hear “stop being so negative!” or “start thinking positive!”, each and every one of us could use it as a decent source of passive income.
Every time I see a podcast from a lifehacker / mindset shifter / motivational speaker titled “change your thoughts, change your life”, I cringe just a little bit.
If it was really that easy to just start thinking different thoughts, we’d all be happy and p o s i t i v e (don’t you just negatively hate this word lol).
There is something better I’d like to offer you than wasting your time with all that “positive thinking” nonsense.
And it’s this:
The reason for negative thinking
“I honestly can’t stand my job, why does it have to be such a soul-crushing experience”
“Life is so uncertain, I can’t look into the future without fear”
“I’m so tired and stressed, my wife/husband annoys me and I just want to run away into the woods and live on my own for the rest of my days on this God forsaken planet”
Just a few examples of the kind of thoughts that might trouble us on the daily.
Like that Taylor Swift song, they keep playing over and over again.
So familiar that we hardly ever notice them but they low-key drive us mad like that Taylor Swift song.
What do we do in response?
We try to escape their company.
Say, you are on your own.
What do you do? Do you sit with your troubling, frustrating, disturbing inner chatter?
Hell no. You are on your phone / watching Netflix / talking to friends / pretending to read a book / listening to music – thank you, technology, for making it so easy for us to escape ourselves.
One swipe – and you are far away from “What am I doing with my life” or “I hate the place I live in”, or “Why do I feel so lonely”.
So easy to escape yet so hard to say goodbye.
And then you come across this “Your thoughts determine your reality” video on YouTube.
Damn you, negative thinking. How can I ever be a successful success with this kind of thoughts?!
One thing they never really teach you is this:
Negative thoughts are positive thoughts in distress.
Treat the cause, not the symptom
What do I mean by “positive thoughts in distress”?
I mean that your thoughts can get stressed out just like you.
They have a shadow side.
Thoughts are not autonomous
Thoughts are a product. And if we were all aware of this and knew what to do with this information, we’d be so much healthier.
Thoughts are symptoms. They don’t just appear out of thin air. There is an underlying issue in your subconscious, which communicates with you in the form of thoughts.
Feelings are not thoughts. You can’t think feelings. Feelings communicate with you through thoughts.
Feelings are the cause of your thoughts: good and bad.
You feel things before you think them.
So what?
“So what” is that negative thoughts aren’t the bad guys.
Negative feelings aren’t the bad guys.
Both are there for you, they are not against you.
It’s your body’s way to let you know that something is bothering you.
Only dummies can have 100% positive thoughts. Completely entirely unaware of themselves.
How do I let go of negative thoughts?
The best thing I’ve ever done for myself was sitting down on my couch in complete silence and just listening.
Tuning in. Whatever comes up will be your guide into your very own scary world of negativity.
You can talk to yourself in the same way you talk to others, the only difference being is the requirement to actually listen, not pretend that you are while anxiously waiting to respond or add your 5 cents of ingenuity. Otherwise you won’t hear yourself speak.
The thread of your self-discovery may go like this:
“I am annoyed with Laura at work =>
When I think of her, my stomach cramps and heart beats faster =>
What exactly makes me feel annoyed with her? =>
It feels as if she tries to get under my skin with her comments, she crosses my boundaries =>
What boundaries does she cross? =>
She makes me feel like I am not a trustworthy employee =>
Why is it important for me to be a trustworthy employee? =>
Because many times in the past people doubted my abilities =>
Why did people doubt my abilities? =>
Because I doubted them myself =>
Do I still doubt I’m doing a good job? =>
Yes, and it hurts that I try to do my best but people don’t notice =>
Why is it important that people notice me doing a good job? =>
Because I want them to know how good I am. Otherwise I don’t feel worthy enough as a person. =>
Who was the first person to make you feel that way? =>
My grandma. She used to say that I destroyed everything I touched because I often broke my expensive toys =>
You are worthy as it is, you don’t need to prove anyone anything. You are worthy just because you are who you are. This is just a given. Your grandma loves you and she always did. Her vision doesn’t define you.”
If you feel your heart race, your eyes get wet, you are on the right track. Let it out. Cry those tears.
Your negative thoughts are leaving you at this point.
Truthfully, I’ve just done this exercise with you. I do have a “Laura” at work who I feel crosses my boundaries.
My grandma really did tell me I was destructive when I was only 4-5 years old.
I am crying right now 🙂
Negativity heals
If you stop labelling it as negative and start labelling it as “my body wants to talk to me”.
Don’t ignore yourself.
You are your best friends and You needs You.
Sometimes it can be hard to do it all by yourself.
That’s why you might need a coach to help you with your struggles, to guide you through your darkness into your light.
You might need a hypnotherapist or a meditation – it’s totally up to you.
While I’m not qualified yet, I am learning to become a Self-Love coach.
Feel free to get in touch on lucy@selfloveacademy.co.uk to book a personal session with me.
No matter how you choose to heal, I really wish you healing.
Spiritual lessons from pilates. Photo credit: Helen Thomas unspash.com
What pilates has taught me:
Pilates is a trending exercise, much like yoga. You don’t need any special equipment, you can access it in pretty much every gym and it’s an easy one for beginners, majority of whom are female.
However, when you really get into it, it’s a whole philosophy. It’s not just a one-size-fits-all workout that you can mindlessly consume. You must switch on your brain. Which I find amusing, since with yoga – an alleged philosophy where everything is based on breath work and mindfulness – I use my brain a lot less than with pilates. I just don’t need as much concentration to downfard face dog.
Pilates doesn’t claim to be a spiritual teaching yet it is one. In actuality, when you search for the word pilates online and land on its Wikipedia page, it kind of roasts the exercise and claims that “it’s not proven to be of much use but it’s better than no exercise at all”. I’ve been doing pilates for the past few years (on and off, thanks to my lazy ass) and I can guarantee that pilates is much more than this.
At the centre of pilates are micro-movements of the micro-muscles. The kind of muscles we don’t know exist in our body. In most cases the only equipment required is a mat and your body. There are numerous variations of exercises, from yoga-like techniques like planks and warriors, to really strange movements like boomerang and scissors.
That’s what I love most about it: with each workout, you never know which muscles you’re going to use, which body parts are involved and how crazy the movements are going to be. It’s a complete surprise, and it always delivers on that aspect of it.
Another great feature of pilates workouts is the number of repetitions. It is ALWAYS enough to feel your muscles burning but just when you’re about to explode, start crying and give up, it stops and you move on to the next body part.
And this teaches me endurance. I know that this pain I’m feeling will go away in a second. And, more importantly, I learn to enjoy pain. Because I know that it has a wonderful quality of fizzling out. I know it will end. And I know that I will grow stronger as a result. Not immediately and not obviously stronger like with break-your-neck fitness and weightlifting but SUBTLY and pleasantly stronger.
This is it: subtle movements of the subtle muscles to grow subtly stronger over time compounding to an incredibly impactful result.
When I walk after a few months of regular pilates, I begin feeling less like a bag of potatoes and more like a ballet dancer. My posture is effortlessly straight and I almost bounce rather than drag myself along this weary planet. The ground feels more like a dancefloor haha.
Now when it comes to the spiritual angle of pilates, I am trying to see every personal challenge or discomfort as:
Passing
Fruitful
I try to squeeze every drop of pain from some minor discomforts or obstacles to feed my personal growth. Every bit of pain that we experience is not useless as long as we make a 🍹out of 🍋.
Life cannot be fruitful without pain. And instead of counting painful moments, rejecting and feeling annoyed by them, enjoy the small pains. Because it’s much harder to learn from big pains. So as long as you’re alive, healthy and so are your loved ones, the little pains are to be celebrated.
What do I mean by little pains? Conflicts with a boss, argument with a friend, student debt, lack of money, partner cheating, unrequited love, lack of friends, difficult relationships with a partner etc. – as long as it doesn’t affect your or your loved one’s mental or physical health in a serious way, it’s a passing pain, temporary discomfort – a teacher to subtly grow your subtle muscles for a big impact later down the line.
What can I learn from this pain? What is it teaching me?
I even tried to learn during my 3-weeks long covid 😂 It was actually pretty insightful, I learnt that I had a major addiction to my phone and I’m still trying to treat it haha.
Why is it harder to learn from big pains? Because in most cases it’s overwhelming, all-consuming and difficult to process – it’s one big chunk. It’s best to heal under supervision or with help of a professional or giving yourself plenty of time and accepting that it might never go away fully.
It’s kind of turned from discussing how much I love pilates to something a bit too deep and esoteric – but it’s me for you, I’m just like that.
Summary: learn from little pains and use them to feed your growth. And try pilates, especially Move with Nicole – she is a star, I can’t believe her lessons are free on YouTube.
Following on from yesterday’s post on the key ingredient of self-love, discipline, today I’m sharing with you an interesting trick that has been my go-to hack recently.
One disclaimer though, it requires self-awareness. What is self-awareness? It is being able to observe your mind chatter, your emotions, feelings, physical state and understand what they might be signalling. Simple example: “Lucy, it seems you are more annoyed with people today than usual. I haven’t eaten properly all day and didn’t sleep well last night – could I get something healthy to eat and take a nap?”.
If you can track your thoughts and feelings throughout your day, you know when you’re getting distracted by something unimportant: social media, TV, chats with friends and family, games, apps, cleaning etc. You can catch yourself wasting your time, stealing your own precious time, filling it with zero added value activities.
You can feel this discomfort of avoiding the activities that you had planned for the day, the ones that are contributing to your long-term goals. And, once you find yourself on YouTube watching a compilation of comedy skits, or replying to a friend who’s sent you a dozen of memes, or mindlessly scrolling through your Insta feed, you stop. Stop, just for a moment.
Instead of doing the things that you feel like doing, that entertain you, you need to do the opposite. You need to do the things that you DON’T. FEEL. LIKE. DOING. The ones you got planned for the day, the ones that move you closer towards your goal. Do them in the same way: mindlessly. Don’t overthink it. You don’t need to know how you’ll do it, why you’ll be doing it, whether you’re doing it right or wrong. All you have to do is shift your energy from dopamine-boosting BS to value-adding quests.
Self-love requires commitment, like any other serious relationship.
Self-Love Academy
You can start slowly, incorporating one important task into your day. Soon enough you will find yourself feeling weird masochistic pleasure from depriving yourself of cute cat vids, Instagram stories and dating TV shows during the day in favour of working hard on creating the life of your dreams. One small task after another, you’ll get addicted to disciplining yourself. You will feel unproductive and disappointed if you haven’t done at least one value-added task.
It is essential to slowly realise that dopamine-releasing entertainment is bad for your mental, emotional and physical health. Just like sweets, it’s awesome when you can savour it, enjoy it every once in a while but not feed on it. It’s going to become clear to you that this isn’t what life is all about. Too much of anything leads to imbalance and eventually results in chaos.
I’m not telling you off or lecturing you, trust me on this one. I spend so much time on Instagram, YouTube and messenger apps that I genuinely feel bad for myself. I have recently started looking at my life with a more sober critical eye and seeing hours and hours of wasteful binging. Ok, I have looked at all of the celebrity accounts and found out their dates of birth and whatnot – how has it benefitted me? What have I accomplished? How have I shown love and dedication towards myself? The answer was a bit brutal: no, Lucy, you just spent time consuming information you will forget and never really need.
Be honest with yourself. Love, including self-love, is not just a fancy word. It requires commitment, like any other serious relationship.
Show commitment towards yourself. Catch yourself wasting your time on people you don’t know, on cats you’ll never adopt, on TV shows that will most likely teach you nothing. There is time and place for this but your time is for you and your goals, dreams, desires. Respect your time and spend it on yourself.
Hope this helps you, dear reader – do share your thoughts / ask questions, I’m always happy to learn from you and help you learn, too.
I was born and raised in Southern Siberia. It matters because I was born in the USSR and, although it dissolved when I was just under one year of age, its existence was imprinted all over my being. You know, in a communist country you were not supposed to stand out. There is empirical data stating that Soviet and borderline-Soviet people associated themselves with a collective rather than an individual.
The following is based on my own observations but what I’ve noticed among the people of my parents’ generation is the need to sacrifice. I can only speak for myself here but growing up I had no idea what self-love even meant. I used to believe that putting yourself first meant being selfish, bad, egocentric.
It is obvious that self-sacrifice felt quite normal to me… When I first went to school, I realised that I was a lot taller than my classmates. I was also a lot more serious than them. I just didn’t fit in. And because I had this inherited need to fit in, to be a part of a collective, to avoid standing out from the crowd, I immediately got disappointed in myself. I knew I didn’t want to be like them but I needed to. Although I didn’t even try to fit in (had no idea how), my self-esteem was as good as ruined. It’s good that no one really bullied me as I never paid attention to bullies (just couldn’t, I didn’t understand them) but somehow quite often I’d end up crying in a closet, telling myself I wasn’t worthy, questioning what was wrong with me.
No wonder that at school I tried to be a good student. I’d be freaking terrified of my teachers. Some of them were particularly demanding and unforgiving. How many tears I cried trying to get my homework done on time, perfectly, so that no one would yell at me, or humiliate me in front of the class. Not that it ever happened to me personally but it did happen to other students, and when you already stand out and don’t fit in, being told off in front of everyone felt like a complete nightmare to me. I’d also get sick often, which didn’t help with anything. I was having bad dreams about missing class until I turned 30.
All of the above might sound like a normal story of an average misfit but to me it meant that I spent a good portion of my life with ruined self-esteem, an inflated sense of responsibility (put the task at hand above all else), not quite knowing who I was as a person, not knowing how to value myself, endless fears, co-dependency, the so-called good girl syndrome and simply complete lack of self-awareness – infinite emptiness inside.
Nobody taught me how to love myself. It was quite the opposite, in the post-Soviet environment being yourself, loving and respecting yourself was synonymous to egocentrism. I didn’t have one good example in front of me. The only person who allegedly “loved only himself” was my granddad, and he was an alcoholic his entire adult life.
The typical phrases you’d hear from a person in the post-Soviet Russia would be “think about your mother / children / what people would say”, “doesn’t matter what you want, I also want many things but I keep my mouth shut”, “ungrateful, I’ve spent my best years on you and this is how you pay me”. But overall, it’s no one’s fault I wasn’t aware of self-love, it was just the way it turned out.
However, it is important to mention that I had a happy childhood despite having low self-esteem, which was a result of many factors like the society I grew up in, being different from my classmates, being overly sensitive. My parents did their absolute best and more to make sure we were as happy as we could be, and for that I am incredibly grateful.
Relationships
Despite my upbringing and the society I grew up in, I was always a spiritual person – for as long as I can remember myself. My parents were not religious and rarely (if ever) talked about God. I prayed almost every night before bed – and I knew I didn’t have to go to church to pray. I figured that I had my own God – the one and only, the divine kindness, who was available to everyone, whose existence wouldn’t divide people but bring them together. I was into all kinds of spiritual books and enjoyed a conversation with adults more than with kids my age. I was often called a “little philosopher”.
I went to Europe to study when I was 17. I met a French guy, we started dating. My, my. I wasn’t ready for a relationship. It was a disaster. Poor guy. The problem was that I was somehow trying to consume all of his attention, and even that was not enough. In almost no time, I entered an unhealthy co-dependent relationship and there was no one to explain what was wrong with me, or with the relationship.
One thing I’d hear repeatedly in Russia was that “all men cheated”. It was ingrained in my head, turning into my biggest relationship fear, poisoning my life for the next 12 years. Shortly after the French guy broke up with me, I met another person. Nothing changed in me – I was the same immature control freak. Nothing to be proud of. Memories make me cringe to this day.
Well, I tried to be a version of a good girlfriend in a relationship, which was considered a norm in post-Soviet Russia: obedient, self-sacrificing, giving. Only I couldn’t. Plus, I’d demand attention, I’d lose temper for any and every reason, scream and cry like a baby, check phones and doubt my partner’s faithfulness 99% of the time. I don’t know how anyone could survive this. The worst thing was that I couldn’t explain my behaviour, couldn’t control it no matter how hard I tried, couldn’t stop. I was guided by my fears and my fears only.
Even now it is hard for me to accept my past. It is painful to be reminded of what I used to do to myself and my loved ones. Of the years lost – I wasn’t really awake, I wasn’t really alive.
Work
I used to struggle at work. My first job in London, I felt so out of place, so awkward. It’s a freaking sad thing to admit but on my first day at work I cried in the ladies’ room during lunch break. It was the first time I was pretty much the only foreigner on the floor full of British people. And although I was surrounded by great talented people, I was in a state of constant cultural shock. “Best years” of my life. We lived 1.5 hrs away from my office, near Heathrow, in a tiny place / repurposed shed pretty much next to our landlord. My personal life was at an all-time-low. I even had to take a day off at work after we had a particularly difficult talk lasting until 5am in the morning – f*cking nightmare.
I now recall one of my colleagues asked me about my hobbies at a team social. I said I didn’t have any. I felt like such a boring person, a failure. Now, looking back, I realise I couldn’t have hobbies. I was a foreigner in a state of perpetual cultural shock, spending 3 hours a day on commute living in a teeny-tiny property (don’t even know how to call it) with the landlord (don’t ask me why it’s bad), managing 10 client accounts (5 of them were big well-known brands), constantly burnt out (also, hi Heathrow 5am alarm clock), utterly and completely unhappy in my personal relationship – I didn’t have time for friends either, so pretty much 0 friends on top of this whole shabang.
After a particularly hard day at work, I had a dream about having a terminal illness. The terror I felt having just one thought in my astral mind: “I spent my life working in a job I hate” woke me up. I handed in my notice a few days later. By the time I left my first job, I had an eczema-like irritation and heart palpitations on a daily basis. Thankfully, the irritation disappeared shortly after but heart palpitations were a leaving gift I couldn’t get rid of.
Mind you, I’m not blaming anyone for all of the above, I wouldn’t even blame myself… It was what it was.
Shortly after I had to find a new job in the same industry. The company was more diverse, which was a good thing for me as I feel more comfortable when I’m not the only foreigner around. However, the job itself didn’t make any sense to me. I had no idea what I was doing nor why. So, even though on the surface it looked like I was doing just fine in life: a girl from Siberia working in a world-renowned agency in London, being in charge of a big client’s account, emptiness and dissatisfaction inside of me were growing out of proportion. After 8 months in that job I began noticing that my face would get super oily for no reason. I had to wash or wipe my face and re-apply make-up a few times a day.
Soon enough I also began noticing small bumps all over my face. They would then turn into good-sized painful cysts. I won’t go into too much detail but long story short, I had to quit my job without even serving my notice – my face was full of those. I couldn’t face (pardon the pun) not just going to the office but going outside in general. Quite often I’d fight the urge to walk out of my window on the 7th floor. I had to miss two of my friends’ weddings because I was convinced I looked like a monster.
Every cloud has a silver lining
It wasn’t just my face that was suffering as a result of years of stress, lack of self-love, melancholy and fears. I felt dizzy, had brain fog, couldn’t think straight. Heart palpitations were still a thing. I was scared and desperate. Spent loads of time and money on miracle solutions, gels, creams, vitamins, supplements. Paid £500 for a visit to an alternative medicine doctor – hope it illustrates just how terrified I was. Not because I was stupid to go straight to a questionable medical practice but my GP said it was fine, no need to worry lol! And I sure as hell didn’t want to go to a dermatologist because taking stuff like Accutane was not an option for me (had already had a pretty sad experience with hormonal pills prescribed by a doctor, so tried to avoid any chemical stuff).
Within just a few months, I had cupboards full of treatments that did nothing, so I turned to diets. I tried anti-candida, FODMAP, vegan, keto, raw… Nothing seemed to help. The only thing that did seem to make me feel a bit better were the Medical Medium’s juices, especially celery.
Worth mentioning my self-esteem was non-existent and people would stare at me almost everywhere. I’d avoid seeing anyone I knew. It was so disheartening I can’t even tell but every person with a visible difference in their appearance has experienced it.
All this time I was obviously questioning why it was happening to me. I had a lingering feeling that this was not a physical illness but rather a spiritual one. One day after having spent a few hours reading about experiences of people on anti-candida diet (which pretty much said you could never have carbs again haha), I was like “F*ck it”. I need to dig deeper than diets and medicines. I searched for “spiritual causes of acne” and I came across a video on YouTube by Think Clear Skin, where Chris told his story of suffering from acne. He observed that he’d always been afraid of being seen. He’d be afraid to be himself, to express his true self, preferring to stay in the shadow. He also noticed that normally people who suffer from bad adult acne would have problems with self-esteem and come across as shy and insecure individuals, including himself. Needless to say, I was all ears. Every word rang true to me. It was a start of my epiphany, my self-love journey.
So I went down this spiritual path, reading books, watching videos, gobbling up articles on spiritual causes of illnesses. I remember quite vividly reading a book our friend gifted us, “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle – the first time I discovered the idea of the “pain body”. Tolle explained that you are not your pain body. You are not your ego. You are not your hurt, grudge, resentment, fears. You are a free spirit. He told his story about his deep depression and how one day he just realised that the depression was a separate entity, and that he could be free from it if he could stay focused on being in tune with his soul, in the moment.
And as I was trying to focus on my spirit, I felt it. I felt how huge and heavy my pain body was. How long I’d been carrying around the weight of that enormous emotional and mental baggage. How it was dragging me down. Keeping me hostage. Stealing my life and myself from me. And, in fact, how light and bright my spirit was without all of that pain.
Knowing that my crazy breakouts were actually a way of my body, my spirit to cry for help and draw my attention to the chaos going on inside me, I knew I had to unpack that baggage making up my emotional and mental pain body, dismantle it and leave it behind. It didn’t even matter if I’d be able to achieve healthy skin again, I just wanted to free my soul and get in touch with it.
Another wonderful moment I experienced was when I found actual evidence of someone else being present in me. I found it online as well, this ritual when you look into your eyes in the mirror attentively and with love, and slowly tell yourself: “I am here for you and I am sorry I let you down. I love you and we will get through it together” – or anything you feel like saying to the most important and valuable person in your life, when you express your feelings for them for the first time. I mean it just broke me down. I knew that I’d been waiting for it for ages. I’d been waiting for me to tell myself I loved myself. To say sorry for all the shit I’d done to myself. Even now I’m crying, it was really emotional.
So there was no turning back, once I knew there was a beautiful pure soul who couldn’t wait to get out – may sound cheesy but I’m being sincere. I as a person am not perfect, I’m not entirely pure or great – but I can say with confidence that my spirit is because I saw it, I talked to it, I felt it.
Self-love did not exist in my life up until that point. But when it entered my life, I couldn’t be that old version of myself any longer. Spent the next two-three years unpacking a big chunk of trash from my being, and with every old spoilt and moldy emotion I let go of, I could see more of my true self. And I kept falling in love with this person, more and more with each day.
My pain ran as far back as my early childhood. Most of it was in my childhood. Getting to know myself also involved crying (a lot!!!), pillow screaming (sometimes it works a treat lol), affirmations, identifying and getting rid of limiting beliefs, finding and structuring my boundaries with people, being aware of my thoughts, feelings and motives behind my actions or reactions. Choosing myself over temptations, taking care of my physical body, nurturing and self-care (ok ok, taking baths in almond milk can be a part of self-love but believe it or not, it’s not required haha!). Self-care is not just spa, baths and smoothies – it’s actually just finding an hour to sit down with yourself and your thoughts, not judging, just letting yourself be.
Alright, some of you might be wondering whether my acne got any better. After the first “crying session”, when I lived through a really old memory of my mom questioning me why I couldn’t go to the swimming pool classes like the other kids, I woke up the next day and I was shocked to find that my skin looked a lot better. I kept at it, working on myself, but clear skin was not my goal. I wanted to be happy, express myself and feel free.
Lots of different techniques, many of which were just intuitive, went into my self-love work. It honestly changed my life. Every aspect of it. Relationships, work, health – I mean, it was a total makeover. But the best thing is, I wasn’t working on my relationships, or work, or health – I was working on self-love, understanding, knowing, valuing, and nurturing myself and my self only.
Something that for the longest time was a bad thing in my head (didn’t want to end up like my granddad “only loving myself”) actually turned out to be beneficial for everyone around me.
Of course, I’d be lying if I told you that oh now I love and accept myself fully, so I’ve done it all. No, it’s lifelong learning but it’s so enjoyable and awesome, even if challenging, scary or disappointing at times.
I now know that this is the best thing you can get in life – and imagining a world where everyone took responsibility for making oneself happy, I intend to share it with you in the best way possible.
If you want to join me, make sure to leave your email address below for more updates ❤️
5 reasons why New Year resolutions fail. Image credit: freestocks.org
Whether you are giving New Year resolutions a pass this year (which I completely understand), you are probably reading this post for a reason. After all, we all set goals, and not just for the New Year. We want to know why we fail at achieving our New Year resolutions or goals, which happens to everyone and has happened to me A Million Times! Below are the 5 top reasons with real-life examples – and we can all find ourselves in them.
Reason 1: Setting unachievable goals
Claire really wants to lose weight. Swiping up her Instagram feed, she is constantly bombarded by the carefully-edited images of the so-called “influencers”. They all look glowing, healthy, rich, successful, stylish, beautiful and… fit. No wobbly bellies, zero cellulite, not a millimeter of loose skin. Perfection! Perfection everywhere. Having read a few inspiring stories of people who lost 150 Lbs, she makes a firm decision to start a new life in 2021. Strict diet, no food after 6pm, cardio exercises at least 3 times a week. And, of course, daily Instagram posts on her progress to stay motivated.
01.01.2021. Claire is deciding to stick to her new diet as soon as she runs out of pre-Christmas / New Year leftovers.
02.01.2021. Still lots of leftovers plus a huge bag of crisps she found in a cupboard. Instead of continuing with her plan of finishing it all up, Claire bins the remaining leftovers and leaves the bag of crisps in the hall, hoping someone will adopt it.
03.01.2021 – 06.01.2021. Claire’s been on track with her diet, no food after 6 pm and even went for a cheeky morning run. She is proud of herself but feeling very tired. After such a good start, she chooses to treat herself with a small pudding at 8pm while watching Netflix.
07.01.2021 – 10.01.2021. Claire is still trying to eat healthy and exercise every now and then. She is, however, finding it incredibly difficult. Thoughts like “Why do I have to change myself”, “Why do some people eat whatever the hell they want and nothing happens to their weight” and “I’m a loser” start popping up.
11.01.2021. It’s Claire’s best friend’s Birthday and she is invited to a party. Although she didn’t touch the food at the party, Claire comes back home, hating herself and the whole world. She finds a forgotten tub of ice cream in the freezer and finishes it all in one go. Feeling happy, she goes to bed, determined to try again next month, when there won’t be any Birthday parties or other annoying distractions.
What went wrong? Claire has never been on a diet for more than a week. She has never exercised for more than a month. She always eats right before going to bed. And she always feels bad when she sees fit women living their dream lives on Instagram. The truth is, most people cannot break their long-formed habits within a day. Especially if it’s more than one habit. Especially if a reason for breaking this habit is fundamentally wrong.
What could Claire do differently? An achievable goal like “Stop beating yourself up and come to terms with my own body” could lead to a much healthier start to the year. Other achievable goals like “Incorporate more fruit and veg into my diet”, “Try different gym classes to find what works for me” would help set Claire up for success at the end of 2021.
Reason 2: Setting goals that are outside of your control
Paul is determined to finally find a girlfriend this year. No more dating around, no more flirting and casual relationships. He wants something serious. He is ready for it. All of his friends are married with kids, he is the only bachelor left.
His New Year resolution number one: start a serious relationship. In order to meet someone, he downloads a dozen popular dating apps, registers on half of them and begins swiping left and right. After a few flirty chats, he reminds himself that he wants something serious this time. Meaning he must focus on getting to know someone as an individual.
After a week of chatting with lots of different women, he finally finds that one girl who comes across more serious and mature. She doesn’t want to meet until they learn more about each other. Paul is hopeful, so he continues their online conversation, generously sharing the details of his childhood and early adulthood. They develop a meaningful connection, and she is ready to take it offline.
Their first date has nothing to do with drinks, restaurants or cafes. He takes her out for a walk. Suzie turns out to be even better in real life. Paul even goes as far as to think she is a real “wife material”.
Six months down the line, they are in a relationship. It is difficult to say whether it’s serious because Suzie doesn’t want to plan too far ahead. Two months into their relationship, she bluntly stated that she is not ready for marriage or kids, at least not now. Half-way through Paul also discovered that Suzie is a very progressive woman, who favours an open relationship. Sitting alone on a sofa on a Friday night, Paul receives a text from Suzie: “Don’t wait for me tonight, I’m with someone. Dinner is in the fridge. xoxo”. Even though Paul was certain they could make this open relationship thing work, he is now certain this is a load of BS and he won’t put up with it a minute longer. He responds: “No worries. Please collect your stuff tomorrow and leave. xoxo”.
What went wrong? Paul set a goal, which was not entirely in his control. Yes, he can start a relationship. However, no matter how hard he tries, he cannot turn it into a “serious relationship” because it depends on another person. A living breathing person, who may come across mature and serious, but is in fact wanting a completely different life. It’s not the best idea to follow a scenario, trying to get to know another person, almost “screening” potential candidates to then actually find out that they are not who you thought they were. Perhaps it’s best to follow your heart? Who knows, but setting a goal to fall in love and get married can be counterproductive and result in disappointment.
What Paul could do differently? Paul could’ve set a goal, which would be entirely up to him to realise. For example: “Meet more interesting people, especially women”, “Understand what I want from a relationship”, “Get to know more women as individuals rather than casually”. The rest would be up to the Universe (or luck) 🙂
Reason 3. Setting goals and expecting someone else to achieve them for you
“New Year Resolution 1: start my own business“ – Fran was writing this phrase in her freshly refilled Filofax organiser for the third year in a row. She was angry and upset, thinking: “Why is it never working out for me?!”. She has recently found out that her friend Sarah opened her own coffee shop. It was almost physically painful for Fran to put a smile on her face when she heard the news. While she was hoping Sarah didn’t notice severe disappointment on her face, this feeling of guilt was overridden by an overwhelming sense of injustice. Why, God, why it was so easy for other people to start their business but not for her?! After all, she’s been waiting to become an independent successful businesswoman for the past 5 years! 2 years before she started believing in those stupid New Year resolutions, which never work anyway.
Deep in her depression, Fran was struggling to keep herself motivated at work. “I hate 9-5”, she thought. Every morning she was dreading yet another day of working for someone other than herself. When Fran finally decided to do something about it, she booked her first psychotherapy session on an aggregator site. Therapist, a lovely woman in her mid-30s, turned out to have her own practice. Fran smiled ironically: “What are the chances!”. She would’ve preferred to be seen by someone who is an employee, just like Fran, not a business owner.
While she enjoyed the first two sessions, she then began getting frustrated with questions like “What do you think stops you from starting your own business?”, “What do you think causes you to envy your friends who run their own business?”, “What limiting beliefs do you have about achieving success?”. It was too much for her; and it was all irrelevant. Fran didn’t have a rich husband or wealthy parents to sponsor her business, she doesn’t have business education as her parents wanted her to study law, she has no clue where to start and she’s an introvert who can’t just simply build a network in any industry! No, the reason she went to a psychotherapist was because she needed an answer to a completely different question: “Why am I so unlucky and why am I so undeserving, otherwise why are everyone else’s dreams come true but mine never do?!”.
It’s December again. After a few unsuccessful applications for the positions of a co-founder, Fran gave up. She was certain that if it was meant to be, it would have flown into her hands. The opportunity to start her own business would’ve fallen from the sky. Isn’t that how it works?!
What went wrong? Fran confused New Year resolutions with a letter to Santa. She never wanted to start her own business. She wanted someone to hand it to her. Preferably, on a plate. Fran got used to taking the passenger seat in her life, avoiding responsibility, and instead miserably (yet comfortably) living in a victim mode. As an undeserving, unworthy individual, who could never start her own business – because life was unfair like that.
What Fran could do differently? A trip to a psychotherapist would probably be an adequate first step. Fran doesn’t believe in herself and is full of fears when it comes to taking responsibility for her own life. Her achievable resolutions could be “To start believing in myself – find a psychotherapist and read self-help books”, “To create a step-by-step plan of starting my own business”, “To register a company”, “Research how to start a business from scratch”, “To attend industry events”, “Save up £x and build a website”. For someone like Fran, who has almost never taken charge of her life, a goal that asks her to start a business is not achievable – it is simply too big and too scary to grasp. Plus, a New Year resolution is unlikely to be ticked off a list if you expected someone else to make it happen for you.
Reason 4. Setting goals that are not yours
Toby has decided that this year will be the year he finds a stable job. His girlfriend Linda is not just an angel he is madly in love with, she is also a very demanding angel. Linda’s been complaining about them not having a stable income that would allow them to save enough money for a Euro-trip. She is obsessed with the idea of buying a camper van and travelling around Europe for a whole year before they found a perfect place for them to settle down, get married and have kids.
He is very understanding of the fact that Linda is still a student at a School of Arts, she cannot drop out just to find a full-time job. Toby, on the other hand, is a grown-ass man (this February he will turn 30) who has been freelancing for the past 2 years. While freelancing is helping him pay his bills and more, he can never save up. With his education and experience, he could find a well-paid full-time job fairly easily. Toby’s tried working in an office before and he knew how much he hated it. However, if it’s just for a year or two, and if it’s something that will make Linda happy, he can manage. It’s not all that bad.
After the first three interviews, Toby’s confidence almost vanished. He started questioning whether a corporate job was really worth it. Coming back home to Linda, who would normally encourage him to keep going because “Imagine how great it would be to travel around Europe together, babe, it’s just for a few years!”, he’d try to cheer himself up. Yes, it is motivating enough. He wants to travel around Europe together with Linda. He hates driving but he loves Linda.
Linda was right, Toby found a job within a month of starting the application process. He was a good specialist, and while the freelance market for his expertise was very competitive, the job market was different. His first day at work was full of introductions and small talk – two things he could not stand. Toby has always been an introvert who strongly preferred working independently. Come evening, he felt shattered. “Only a year or two” felt almost like a prison sentence to him at that moment. He remembered all of the reasons why he left his first corporate job and never looked back.
He had to tell Linda that he couldn’t do it for her. Linda flipped out. Accused him of being an egocentric fool who lacked any ambition in life. His heart dropped when he heard those words. His previous girlfriend used to tell him the same thing, that he was not ambitious enough and his freelance work was the main reason she would never start a family with him. Suddenly he realised that the Euro-trip was never appealing to him. He realised he did not want to go against his truth to please someone, especially someone who is supposed to love and accept him the way he is.
What went wrong? Toby set a goal that was not his goal to begin with. He did not want a full-time job. While in this example it was clear that it was his girlfriend’s influence that made him set this New Year resolution, sometimes it’s not that easy to pinpoint whose influence we’re under when setting irrelevant goals. For example, in the beginning of the year you may think you want to get a driving licence but in reality you don’t want it but you think you must get it because everyone else your age has it. The likelihood of achieving a goal that is not in line with your heart’s desires is very low in any case.
What Toby could do differently? If Toby really wanted to save up for a Euro-trip with his girlfriend, he could’ve tried to figure out how they could do it together. Resolutions like “Find additional income sources”, “Find a part-time job”, “Advertise online to bring new clients” would be a lot better than taking sole responsibility for their dream, which also implies completely changing his preferred way of living. A general rule of thumb though is to avoid setting goals that are dictated by someone other than yourself.
Reason 5. Setting goals when you don’t love yourself
Marion’s girlfriend broke up with her on New Year’s eve. That led to Marion spending the whole night crying her eyes out. Why do all of her girlfriends break up with her around this time of year?! On the 1st of Jan, after a dreadful night and 30 minutes of sleep, Marion woke up broken-hearted yet determined for this year to be different. This year she will make all of her past girlfriends regret their decision to leave her. She will become a completely different person.
“Cut and dye my hair”, “Become the best kick-ass kickboxer ever” (having never kickboxed before), “Find a new cool job in tech”, “Rhinoplasty”, “Read at least 5 books a month, attend art exhibitions, watch indie films”, “Become confident and find new cool friends”… Marion’s list was incredibly ambitious. All of her resolutions were aimed at becoming a new person. Someone she was imagining to be a lot better than her. Someone who was worthy of a long-lasting relationship. Someone… who wasn’t her.
As she was daydreaming about this amazing new person she was planning to turn into, a little girl inside her was sobbing. Forgotten, neglected and bullied, this little Marion was clueless as to why she was not enough. She never understood what was wrong with her; why everyone, starting from her parents, wanted nothing to do with her. Was it because she was shorter than most other girls? Was it because she wore a silly ponytail? Was it because her nose seemed too big to her? Was it because she was not interesting, leading a normal life? Or was it because she was gay that her parents stopped talking to her…
As her subconscious was processing this information, a painful thought crossed Marion’s mind… Would it help if she added “Date a guy” to her New Year resolutions? Perhaps this could make her parents regret leaving her… As this idea was growing bigger in her head, Marion left any and every interest in her freshly produced New Year resolutions. She lay down on the floor, curled up, tears creating a small puddle under her head. “So, the only way to make people love me is become someone else entirely?”…
Spoiler alert: Marion never reached her New Year goals and is happy about that. Funnily enough, despite failing to keep her NY resolutions, that year she met the most wonderful person, with whom she built a lifelong loving relationship. Her ex-girlfriends envied that girl as she seemed so effortlessly happy. Even her parents met her new partner and, surprisingly, they loved her and accepted her into their family. The name of that awesome girl is Marion.
On that beautiful note, I wish you all to love yourself, take charge of your life, and enjoy life with or without New Year resolutions 🙂
I didn’t love myself for the most part of my life.
I didn’t even know that I needed to. I’d simply brush off any advice containing these two words in the same sentence: “love” and “yourself”. In my little self-deprecating head, self-love was very similar to rocket science. Which is why I didn’t even bother learning more about it.
And that was fair enough since I grew up in the post-Soviet space, where the notion of self-love was synonymous to egocentrism. Putting yourself first, failure to think about others or to meet societal expectations were still frowned upon. Whereas self-sacrifice was considered a norm – almost like a gold medal earned at the expense of health and well-being: you could proudly demonstrate it to others along with your complete and utter unhappiness. It was particularly trendy to use self-sacrifice as a baseball bat you could beat up your loved ones with: “I spent the best years of my life on you!”.
Unsurprisingly, I followed the same pattern in life. I was trying to be good to others, for others. All the while carrying a gaping hole in my heart. I tried to fill it with someone else’s love by yearning for it, trying to earn it, demanding it. And, of course, ultimately failing at all of my attempts. Not because others didn’t love me. It was because I could never fill a broken cup.
I hated spending time on my own. My troubled thoughts would rush in the moment I found myself alone. Self-criticism, suspicions, fears. I never trusted people. And since my sick sense of self-worth was based entirely on the approval and love from others, I’d drive myself mad doubting their feelings and integrity. What a nightmare it was for me and my loved ones, replaying these memories in my head honestly saddens me.
So, a “perfect recipe” for a miserable life contains the following ingredients: lack or absence of self-love, daddy (or mommy) issues, immaturity, self-sacrifice as a means to obtaining love and approval from others, and sense of guilt for wanting to be yourself and doing what your heart desires.
When I finally began waking up to the need for self-love, I realised I had no idea how to do it and where to even start. My first steps were based on an Instagram-inspired understanding of the matter: take baths, apply face masks, soak in epsom salts. It felt good, it honestly did. Definitely didn’t increase my level of self-love but was probably nourishing for the skin.
I then started digging deeper. I had to, life left me little choice. My health was deteriorating for some unknown reason and I had to find a solution. A lasting solution. A spiritual one. I arrived at this decision after spending thousands of pounds on diets, supplements and miracle programs.
Step 1
Ok, so how do you fall in love with yourself for the first time? That is, other than taking bubbly baths and romantically looking out of a café window while sipping latte in complete solitude.
It might surprise some of you but the first step is to sit your ass down. Make sure you’re on your own in your space and will not be disturbed for the next few hours (better if you have half a day). You then need to tune in with your inner senses. If you’re finding it hard and your mind drifts away, try to focus your attention on your fingers, toes. Can you feel them? If you can, what do you think makes them feel so alive? Focus on that energy.
The purpose of this exercise is for you to become aware of yourself. It sounds dumb because we normally think that we already know that we exist, we know ourselves and sure as hell are aware of ourselves. The reality is that probably less than 1% of human beings are actually aware of their own presence. It’s a long and challenging journey but you can certainly do it by beginning to feel the energy in your fingers, toes, then body.
My experience with that was when I first sat down to feel myself, I realised that all of the pain in my soul was actually separate from me. I felt it – physically. I felt that all of the pain I’d been carrying around for years on end was not a part of me. It was its own entity that I could distance myself from – on a physical level. It was after reading Eckhart Tolle’s book that mentions a notion of a “pain body”.
Don’t worry if you don’t succeed at first. Keep practicing – even if you have only 5 minutes a day / a week: sit down with yourself and try to feel your presence, gradually separating your pain / doubts / insecurities / hurt / fears from You. You can even try imagining them as balls of yarn. Thread by thread, untangle it and separate it from your energy, presence and soul.
Step 2
After self-awareness comes awakening. Awakening to the fact that in order to love yourself, you first need to find yourself among the debris of limiting beliefs, fears, expectations, false identities that were instilled by your parents, or school teachers, or society. It could be from a trauma or multiple traumas. NB! If you think that you definitely didn’t experience any traumatic events, I can tell you for sure that you most probably did if you don’t love yourself. It can be as small as someone’s brash comment about your looks or as big as an actual trauma, e.g. if your parent mistreated you.
And, in order to find yourself, you need to get rid of all that rubbish that is not you. Let’s call it “spiritual self-care”. Your soul needs a bubbly bath just as much (if not more) as your body. After all, how often do you cleanse your soul? Well, exactly. Not even a shower or a quick rinse, eh? All those years…
Now, how do you cleanse your soul, I hear you ask? Well, the answer should be obvious enough: with tears. I know, my friend. Don’t tell me you’ve never cried or you don’t know how to do it. It’s the same as telling me you’ve never brushed your teeth and are not going to even try.
Ok, well for those of you who are really against tears: how do you usually release stress? I can only think of screaming, beating up your pillow(s), or smashing furniture (preferably something cheap, IKEA should do). As long as you don’t harm yourself or others, or make neighbours call the police, it should do the job.
The main purpose with this next exercise is to gradually release the pain that is not for you to carry. It’s not worth anything other than years lost on living someone else’s life. So you can safely discharge it and free up some space for much-needed selfish love.
I cried for two weeks straight. Then some more – and more. Just open the door and it will begin pouring out. If not, don’t worry. If you keep at it, it eventually will.
In order to make yourself cry, it’s best to try and replay the hurtful memories in your head. Don’t worry, if it caused you pain, you will most likely remember it pretty effortlessly. Art can also help with this therapy: you can write, draw, listen to the music on a similar topic, read a book that touches your soul, watch a film that you can relate to – anything will do.
However, please note that if your trauma is deep and serious, you should seek professional help – it’s dangerous to keep trying to help yourself when your burden is too heavy to lift on your own and you could do it safely with support from another person.
Step 3
Your spirit may not be as sparkly clean as we’d want it to but remember, it’s a gradual process and not an overnight miracle. Chances are, however, if you keep cleansing your internal being as often as you cleanse your exterior, you will feel a lot lighter.
The next step, once we’ve made some room for better things to enter our soul, is to fill it with these better things. I’m talking about affirmations. Practicing gratitude. Adopting more helpful beliefs while unlearning harmful ones.
I’d start by talking to yourself: do you have a mirror? Then look yourself in the eyes and tell yourself something very kind and loving. You may not believe it, that’s fine. You may want to cringe. You may want to look away. It may not make any sense – doesn’t matter! Just tell yourself: “I love you and I will never leave you. I’m sorry I’ve not been there for you but I am here now – and I won’t leave”.
If you make a habit out of talking to yourself in this kind of fashion: as you would to a close, dear friend, you will see how the inner being inside of you transforms into a more glowing and joyous one. After all, your spirit has always loved you and always waited for you to love it back.
Step 4
Ok, what’s next? I sit with myself, I cry with myself, I talk to myself – now what? Now, my friend, is the time we moved to others.
Boundaries is your step number 4. It’s one of the hardest steps as it involves other people as well. Don’t get me wrong though, you also need to build boundaries with yourself. It sounds confusing, but let me explain.
To start building boundaries with yourself, you need to keep your promises and have your best interests at heart. For example: you’re very tired after a long day at work and you just want to netflix’n’chill. However, just this morning you promised to yourself that you’d go to your yoga class. Or a cookery class. Or read a book. Whatever that is, that your soul wanted to do. And in order to make sure your inner being doesn’t get upset, you just go and do whatever your soul (not your cheeky lazy brain) desires. That said, sometimes you should order that takeaway or treat yourself – if that’s what You really want.
However, most times we have to learn to take actions that are in the best interests of our spirit. Our spirits are not here on this planet to mindlessly binge Game of Thrones or play drinking games with friends (although entertainment is not prohibited, it’s just not the main purpose – with some exceptions, I guess). So, what does your spirit wish you would do? Don’t pretend you don’t know the answer: as long as you’ve ever done something nourishing for your soul, you should be able to give at least one good answer.
Building and protecting your boundaries with others is where it gets complicated. Slowly but surely, learn to tune into your feelings and act in accordance with them. If you feel like saying “No”, say “Maybe” if a firm “no” feels a bit too hard to master at once. You don’t want to see your friends tonight? You don’t want to do your colleague a favour? You don’t like what someone said about your outfit? You can definitely set boundaries in a non-confrontational way. With time, you will also learn to avoid that feeling of guilt.
It might come as surprise to you but nobody really cares about what we say or do – at least not as much as we assume. Ok, maybe your parents are control freaks – but even then you can arrive at a comfortable place, where you live by your own rules and you don’t let anyone break the boundaries that matter to you the most.
As we are humans and we can never be perfect, chances are, your boundaries will suffer: whether it’s someone else or your own mistreatment of yourself, that is fine. Just make sure you don’t try to silence your inner voice when it tells you it doesn’t like something. That is, if you want to learn to love yourself.
Step 5
Now that you’ve realised the problem, spring cleaned, furnished your new space with helpful items and built a sturdy fence to protect it, now all you need to do is enjoy it.
You might think: “Wait, what?! Is that it?!”. As if enjoying is an easy thing to do! It’s the hardest, most dreadful part in the journey to mastering self-love. I will explain why.
Rebuilding your self-love will most likely lead to you rethinking your life. Once you’ve completed all of the previous steps, your new challenge is to start living by your new rules in line with your new vision. You now have the duty of listening to yourself and living in line with what you hear. At least more or less. This is the key to enjoying your newly acquired self-love: you’ve got to practice it. Make it your new motto.
Practicing self-love isn’t as easy (although not exclusive of) as taking a bath or applying a face mask. It means living in alignment with who you truly are and with your true desires. By “desires” I don’t mean finding a partner, starting a family or becoming a billionaire (although who’s going to judge you if you truly want any of these things). I mean, what do You want? Name at least one thing – any thing – and do it.
It also means being brave enough to fall short of expectations, go against what others want from you if that’s not what you want, leaving things and people that don’t serve you behind. Or taking the decision to stick with certain situations or surroundings – knowing and feeling that it is for your own good.
And, most importantly, enjoying the process. And yes, self-love is a process and it takes a lifetime. There will always be something to work on, work through, understand, forgive, release, find a new path or affirmation, build a new boundary, and repeat. This is the beauty of life, and the beauty of life in self-love is for evermore profound. Not because you get to be yourself and feel good about it but also because you are evolving, learning, growing – and becoming the best version of your wonderful, inspiring, magnificent self.
Self-Love academy 