Story 1.

“When I meet the man of my dreams, he will definitely treat me the way I deserve to be treated”.

“My ex was never good enough for me. I gave it all to him and he didn’t appreciate it”.

“Next time I will be smarter, I will choose wiser. I will set high standards because I’m worth it”.

Jenna’s ex was a typical narcissist. She fell in love with him at first sight. She was infatuated to the point she forgot about her personal life, her friends, family and hobbies. All she ever wanted was his attention. He didn’t seem to care, although deep inside his ego felt nice and cosy every time she would make a scene.

Their relationship was a merry-go-round. Only not so merry, and each time the carousel would enter a new round, it would get more and more sickly. Jenna, in pursuit of her boyfriend’s attention, would try to be the best woman one could ever imagine: breakfast in bed, clean apartment, expensive lingerie… Until she would start feeling that he was giving nothing in return. Or, rather, not what she wanted.

That’s when things would get ugly. His every move would annoy the hell out of Jenna. Everything he did was a reason for a long exhausting argument. The “full package” sort of argument: with tears, shouting, slamming doors, long conversations, silent treatment… That would get them nowhere. He didn’t understand what she wanted from him. He didn’t like the fact that she wanted something from him in the first place. Meanwhile, all she wanted was his undivided attention, understanding, love and care. Everything that she thought he couldn’t or wouldn’t give her.

Until one day he put an end to it. The benefits of having someone massage his ego no longer outweighed exhaustion from the emotional roller-coaster. She didn’t want to let him go. She cried, screamed, begged – made a fool out of herself. It made him really angry: he blocked her on social media and changed his number.

All of her friends told her he didn’t deserve her, that she would find the ONE who did. The ONE who would treat her like a princess, nothing less. After a while, she began to believe them. She knew it was not her fault her ex was such a prick.

And so, after a month of trying to get over her ex, she woke up a changed person. The queen who knows her worth. The woman capable of making any man happy beyond words. The woman who deserved the very best and loving man. Nothing would stop her from choosing the right one this time round. With this determination, she uploaded her best Snapchat photo to Tinder.

Story 2.

Date 1 was a standard Tinder date. The guy couldn’t help but talk about sex. He couldn’t help it, even though his messages prior to the date were as casual as Jenna’s old white T-shirt. She felt insulted and excused herself abruptly. After all, her man would never act so crude.

Dates 2 & 3 went fine. They were chatty, friendly yet boring. Too plain for Jenna. She needed a king, not an average Joe.

Date 4. Something she’d never expected. He was enormously attractive yet quite brusque. Plus, he disagreed with every word that came out of her mouth.

“Don’t you like it when your woman is fragile and vulnerable? Doesn’t it make you feel like a knight in shining armour?”

“What makes you think I want to be a knight in shining armour? I want an equal partner, not a damsel in distress”.

“But an equal partner is a woman, first and foremost. And women need someone who is stronger than them. Who can protect them. I think every woman wants to be treated like a queen”.

“I don’t believe in this “Protect me I’m weak” BS. Has it never crossed your mind that men also have weaknesses and need support?”

“But then if your partner supports you, doesn’t she also deserve to feel like you’ll take care of her and make her happy?”

“Oh girl. I’m not a “make my woman happy” type of guy. I don’t make anyone happy but myself”.

“What?! Do you realise how egocentric that sounds?!”

“Just as egocentric as “treat me like a queen” narrative”.

“Treating your woman like a queen is what every man should aspire to do! First, I really do deserve it. If you don’t think I know my worth, let me tell you upfront that I do. Second, happy wife means happy life – simple as that”.

“What you need to understand is nobody owes you anything. I’m not your instrument for making you happy. I’m not responsible for how you feel in life. Your problem is that you feel entitled to some kind of special treatment. Yet what I see in you is someone who got hurt, and hurt badly. You probably dated a guy who didn’t give you what you wanted. Now you’re just taking it out on the rest of the male population, thinking that by setting high standards, you’ll protect yourself. Thinking that telling every guy you meet that you know your worth will make them see your worth. That’s not how it works, you know.”

“Ok interesting! So tell me then, how does it work, huh? You seem to know-it-all!”

“First you don’t use other people as a bandage for your broken heart. You take time to heal and analyse. Second, have you even asked yourself if there was something wrong with you? Instead of blaming your ex for being so undeserving and such a jerk, have you ever considered taking responsibility for some of the sh*t that transpired between you two?”

“How am I supposed to take responsibility, when I was the one giving it all, when he was just taking me and all that I had to offer for granted?!”

“Ok, I see. Now I have a very important question for you”.

“Yeah?!”

“Did he ever ask you to give it all? Did he ever ask you to sacrifice your life, your hobbies, your time to make him happy? Did he ever look unhappy to you? To the point that you felt you had to make him happy? Did he ever tell you he needed a perfect girlfriend or did you just make it up in your own dreamy head?”

“That’s not the point, the guy didn’t treat me well and I’m not going to justify his arrogant egocentric behaviour. It’s not my fault he is a narcissist”.

“C’mon. He only accepted you for who you were. You wanted to take on a job of making him happy? You got it. He didn’t judge you for doing stuff he didn’t ask you to do. Anyway, I’m not the one to give you advice. I’m just saying if you can’t make yourself happy, don’t expect it from another person.”

“You clearly know nothing about women and how we desire to be valued and cherished. We are like flowers, if you don’t feed us with your attention, we die”.

“I know there are plants that don’t need watering yet they still thrive. I am one of them. And I wish you to either become one, too, or find your gardener. It was good to meet you, good night”.

Story 3.

Even though she thought long and hard about what Date 4 told her, the feelings his words triggered in her were too overwhelming. After a few conversations with friends who reassured her the guy was a barbarian, she felt better.

Especially when she met Ben. He agreed that she was a queen and admired her sense of self-worth that was communicated to him verbally within the first 30 minutes of their first date.

She was in the seventh heaven. She’d love to look in the face of Date 4 and savour three loud “ha”s. “Ha-ha-ha”, she would yell. You see, there are good men out there. They want to treat me like a queen. They know I’m worth it. However, she was so busy falling in love with Ben that Date 4 no longer occupied her mind.

Their romance soon turned into a more serious relationship. In the beginning, Ben was everything she’d ever dreamt of: a hopeless romantic, who wanted a family. He’d take her out, he’d plan the weekends, he’d bring flowers and try to surprise her. He’d ask her how she was and would really listen.

That’s why when it happened for the first time, she was shocked. Shortly after they moved in together, she began feeling anxious. Turns out, Jenna got tired of Ben’s attempts to keep her in a happy place. Turns out, Ben couldn’t handle Jenna when she felt down. It was not very helpful that she began feeling down often. Ben wanted Jenna to be happy all the time. Plus, he wanted to be around all the time as well. It’s as if his only purpose in life was to live happily together. To make sure Jenna lives her best life with him.

This type of dependency was exhausting. All she wanted was to be alone. She began experiencing a nagging feeling of absolute emptiness. Only this time, Ben couldn’t make it go away. Quite the opposite, his happy demeanour drove Jenna mad. Every attempt to identify the reason for the rapidly growing vacuum was unsuccessful.

Her conversation with Date 4 started haunting her. There was something deep inside that kept bringing it up. Only each time Date 4’s voice was growing louder in her head. Is he right? Is it true that no one can make me happy? Is it true that I destroyed my relationship? Is it true that there is something wrong with me, and not with the men I’m with?

Conclusion

Whether Jennas of the world arrive at the right decision or not, those who graduate from self-love academy (metaphorically speaking) know:

We are not entitled to anything in any relationship.

Entitlement means we let others do the work because we deserve it by default.

Entitlement clouds our mind and feeds our ego, not our spirit.

When we realise that nobody owes us anything, that’s when we free up enormous space for ourselves. Instead of focusing on how others treat you, focus on how you treat yourself and others. Blaming other people for your feelings of dissatisfaction and emptiness is counterproductive. Our happiness is our responsibility, no one else’s.

Of course, there are many caveats and nuances that come with each individual situation. Despite our differences, let’s remember that external world is only a mirror of our internal world. The love we receive from others is a reflection of love we give ourselves.

Sincerely yours,

Self-Love Academy.