I didn’t love myself for the most part of my life.

I didn’t even know that I needed to. I’d simply brush off any advice containing these two words in the same sentence: “love” and “yourself”. In my little self-deprecating head, self-love was very similar to rocket science. Which is why I didn’t even bother learning more about it.

And that was fair enough since I grew up in the post-Soviet space, where the notion of self-love was synonymous to egocentrism. Putting yourself first, failure to think about others or to meet societal expectations were still frowned upon. Whereas self-sacrifice was considered a norm – almost like a gold medal earned at the expense of health and well-being: you could proudly demonstrate it to others along with your complete and utter unhappiness. It was particularly trendy to use self-sacrifice as a baseball bat you could beat up your loved ones with: “I spent the best years of my life on you!”.

Unsurprisingly, I followed the same pattern in life. I was trying to be good to others, for others. All the while carrying a gaping hole in my heart. I tried to fill it with someone else’s love by yearning for it, trying to earn it, demanding it. And, of course, ultimately failing at all of my attempts. Not because others didn’t love me. It was because I could never fill a broken cup.

I hated spending time on my own. My troubled thoughts would rush in the moment I found myself alone. Self-criticism, suspicions, fears. I never trusted people. And since my sick sense of self-worth was based entirely on the approval and love from others, I’d drive myself mad doubting their feelings and integrity. What a nightmare it was for me and my loved ones, replaying these memories in my head honestly saddens me.

So, a “perfect recipe” for a miserable life contains the following ingredients: lack or absence of self-love, daddy (or mommy) issues, immaturity, self-sacrifice as a means to obtaining love and approval from others, and sense of guilt for wanting to be yourself and doing what your heart desires.

When I finally began waking up to the need for self-love, I realised I had no idea how to do it and where to even start. My first steps were based on an Instagram-inspired understanding of the matter: take baths, apply face masks, soak in epsom salts. It felt good, it honestly did. Definitely didn’t increase my level of self-love but was probably nourishing for the skin.

I then started digging deeper. I had to, life left me little choice. My health was deteriorating for some unknown reason and I had to find a solution. A lasting solution. A spiritual one. I arrived at this decision after spending thousands of pounds on diets, supplements and miracle programs.

Step 1

Ok, so how do you fall in love with yourself for the first time? That is, other than taking bubbly baths and romantically looking out of a café window while sipping latte in complete solitude.

It might surprise some of you but the first step is to sit your ass down. Make sure you’re on your own in your space and will not be disturbed for the next few hours (better if you have half a day). You then need to tune in with your inner senses. If you’re finding it hard and your mind drifts away, try to focus your attention on your fingers, toes. Can you feel them? If you can, what do you think makes them feel so alive? Focus on that energy.

The purpose of this exercise is for you to become aware of yourself. It sounds dumb because we normally think that we already know that we exist, we know ourselves and sure as hell are aware of ourselves. The reality is that probably less than 1% of human beings are actually aware of their own presence. It’s a long and challenging journey but you can certainly do it by beginning to feel the energy in your fingers, toes, then body.

My experience with that was when I first sat down to feel myself, I realised that all of the pain in my soul was actually separate from me. I felt it – physically. I felt that all of the pain I’d been carrying around for years on end was not a part of me. It was its own entity that I could distance myself from – on a physical level. It was after reading Eckhart Tolle’s book that mentions a notion of a “pain body”.

Don’t worry if you don’t succeed at first. Keep practicing – even if you have only 5 minutes a day / a week: sit down with yourself and try to feel your presence, gradually separating your pain / doubts / insecurities / hurt / fears from You. You can even try imagining them as balls of yarn. Thread by thread, untangle it and separate it from your energy, presence and soul.

Step 2

After self-awareness comes awakening. Awakening to the fact that in order to love yourself, you first need to find yourself among the debris of limiting beliefs, fears, expectations, false identities that were instilled by your parents, or school teachers, or society. It could be from a trauma or multiple traumas. NB! If you think that you definitely didn’t experience any traumatic events, I can tell you for sure that you most probably did if you don’t love yourself. It can be as small as someone’s brash comment about your looks or as big as an actual trauma, e.g. if your parent mistreated you.

And, in order to find yourself, you need to get rid of all that rubbish that is not you. Let’s call it “spiritual self-care”. Your soul needs a bubbly bath just as much (if not more) as your body. After all, how often do you cleanse your soul? Well, exactly. Not even a shower or a quick rinse, eh? All those years…

Now, how do you cleanse your soul, I hear you ask? Well, the answer should be obvious enough: with tears. I know, my friend. Don’t tell me you’ve never cried or you don’t know how to do it. It’s the same as telling me you’ve never brushed your teeth and are not going to even try.

Ok, well for those of you who are really against tears: how do you usually release stress? I can only think of screaming, beating up your pillow(s), or smashing furniture (preferably something cheap, IKEA should do). As long as you don’t harm yourself or others, or make neighbours call the police, it should do the job.

The main purpose with this next exercise is to gradually release the pain that is not for you to carry. It’s not worth anything other than years lost on living someone else’s life. So you can safely discharge it and free up some space for much-needed selfish love.

I cried for two weeks straight. Then some more – and more. Just open the door and it will begin pouring out. If not, don’t worry. If you keep at it, it eventually will.

In order to make yourself cry, it’s best to try and replay the hurtful memories in your head. Don’t worry, if it caused you pain, you will most likely remember it pretty effortlessly. Art can also help with this therapy: you can write, draw, listen to the music on a similar topic, read a book that touches your soul, watch a film that you can relate to – anything will do.

However, please note that if your trauma is deep and serious, you should seek professional help – it’s dangerous to keep trying to help yourself when your burden is too heavy to lift on your own and you could do it safely with support from another person.

Step 3

Your spirit may not be as sparkly clean as we’d want it to but remember, it’s a gradual process and not an overnight miracle. Chances are, however, if you keep cleansing your internal being as often as you cleanse your exterior, you will feel a lot lighter.

The next step, once we’ve made some room for better things to enter our soul, is to fill it with these better things. I’m talking about affirmations. Practicing gratitude. Adopting more helpful beliefs while unlearning harmful ones.

I’d start by talking to yourself: do you have a mirror? Then look yourself in the eyes and tell yourself something very kind and loving. You may not believe it, that’s fine. You may want to cringe. You may want to look away. It may not make any sense – doesn’t matter! Just tell yourself: “I love you and I will never leave you. I’m sorry I’ve not been there for you but I am here now – and I won’t leave”.

If you make a habit out of talking to yourself in this kind of fashion: as you would to a close, dear friend, you will see how the inner being inside of you transforms into a more glowing and joyous one. After all, your spirit has always loved you and always waited for you to love it back.

Step 4

Ok, what’s next? I sit with myself, I cry with myself, I talk to myself – now what? Now, my friend, is the time we moved to others.

Boundaries is your step number 4. It’s one of the hardest steps as it involves other people as well. Don’t get me wrong though, you also need to build boundaries with yourself. It sounds confusing, but let me explain.

To start building boundaries with yourself, you need to keep your promises and have your best interests at heart. For example: you’re very tired after a long day at work and you just want to netflix’n’chill. However, just this morning you promised to yourself that you’d go to your yoga class. Or a cookery class. Or read a book. Whatever that is, that your soul wanted to do. And in order to make sure your inner being doesn’t get upset, you just go and do whatever your soul (not your cheeky lazy brain) desires. That said, sometimes you should order that takeaway or treat yourself – if that’s what You really want.

However, most times we have to learn to take actions that are in the best interests of our spirit. Our spirits are not here on this planet to mindlessly binge Game of Thrones or play drinking games with friends (although entertainment is not prohibited, it’s just not the main purpose – with some exceptions, I guess). So, what does your spirit wish you would do? Don’t pretend you don’t know the answer: as long as you’ve ever done something nourishing for your soul, you should be able to give at least one good answer.

Building and protecting your boundaries with others is where it gets complicated. Slowly but surely, learn to tune into your feelings and act in accordance with them. If you feel like saying “No”, say “Maybe” if a firm “no” feels a bit too hard to master at once. You don’t want to see your friends tonight? You don’t want to do your colleague a favour? You don’t like what someone said about your outfit? You can definitely set boundaries in a non-confrontational way. With time, you will also learn to avoid that feeling of guilt.

It might come as surprise to you but nobody really cares about what we say or do – at least not as much as we assume. Ok, maybe your parents are control freaks – but even then you can arrive at a comfortable place, where you live by your own rules and you don’t let anyone break the boundaries that matter to you the most.

As we are humans and we can never be perfect, chances are, your boundaries will suffer: whether it’s someone else or your own mistreatment of yourself, that is fine. Just make sure you don’t try to silence your inner voice when it tells you it doesn’t like something. That is, if you want to learn to love yourself.

Step 5

Now that you’ve realised the problem, spring cleaned, furnished your new space with helpful items and built a sturdy fence to protect it, now all you need to do is enjoy it.

You might think: “Wait, what?! Is that it?!”. As if enjoying is an easy thing to do! It’s the hardest, most dreadful part in the journey to mastering self-love. I will explain why.

Rebuilding your self-love will most likely lead to you rethinking your life. Once you’ve completed all of the previous steps, your new challenge is to start living by your new rules in line with your new vision. You now have the duty of listening to yourself and living in line with what you hear. At least more or less. This is the key to enjoying your newly acquired self-love: you’ve got to practice it. Make it your new motto.

Practicing self-love isn’t as easy (although not exclusive of) as taking a bath or applying a face mask. It means living in alignment with who you truly are and with your true desires. By “desires” I don’t mean finding a partner, starting a family or becoming a billionaire (although who’s going to judge you if you truly want any of these things). I mean, what do You want? Name at least one thing – any thing – and do it.

It also means being brave enough to fall short of expectations, go against what others want from you if that’s not what you want, leaving things and people that don’t serve you behind. Or taking the decision to stick with certain situations or surroundings – knowing and feeling that it is for your own good.

And, most importantly, enjoying the process. And yes, self-love is a process and it takes a lifetime. There will always be something to work on, work through, understand, forgive, release, find a new path or affirmation, build a new boundary, and repeat. This is the beauty of life, and the beauty of life in self-love is for evermore profound. Not because you get to be yourself and feel good about it but also because you are evolving, learning, growing – and becoming the best version of your wonderful, inspiring, magnificent self.