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5 reasons why New Year resolutions fail (and what to do about it)

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5 reasons why New Year resolutions fail. Image credit: freestocks.org

Whether you are giving New Year resolutions a pass this year (which I completely understand), you are probably reading this post for a reason. After all, we all set goals, and not just for the New Year. We want to know why we fail at achieving our New Year resolutions or goals, which happens to everyone and has happened to me A Million Times! Below are the 5 top reasons with real-life examples – and we can all find ourselves in them.

Reason 1: Setting unachievable goals

Claire really wants to lose weight. Swiping up her Instagram feed, she is constantly bombarded by the carefully-edited images of the so-called “influencers”. They all look glowing, healthy, rich, successful, stylish, beautiful and… fit. No wobbly bellies, zero cellulite, not a millimeter of loose skin. Perfection! Perfection everywhere. Having read a few inspiring stories of people who lost 150 Lbs, she makes a firm decision to start a new life in 2021. Strict diet, no food after 6pm, cardio exercises at least 3 times a week. And, of course, daily Instagram posts on her progress to stay motivated.

01.01.2021. Claire is deciding to stick to her new diet as soon as she runs out of pre-Christmas / New Year leftovers.

02.01.2021. Still lots of leftovers plus a huge bag of crisps she found in a cupboard. Instead of continuing with her plan of finishing it all up, Claire bins the remaining leftovers and leaves the bag of crisps in the hall, hoping someone will adopt it.

03.01.2021 – 06.01.2021. Claire’s been on track with her diet, no food after 6 pm and even went for a cheeky morning run. She is proud of herself but feeling very tired. After such a good start, she chooses to treat herself with a small pudding at 8pm while watching Netflix.

07.01.2021 – 10.01.2021. Claire is still trying to eat healthy and exercise every now and then. She is, however, finding it incredibly difficult. Thoughts like “Why do I have to change myself”, “Why do some people eat whatever the hell they want and nothing happens to their weight” and “I’m a loser” start popping up.

11.01.2021. It’s Claire’s best friend’s Birthday and she is invited to a party. Although she didn’t touch the food at the party, Claire comes back home, hating herself and the whole world. She finds a forgotten tub of ice cream in the freezer and finishes it all in one go. Feeling happy, she goes to bed, determined to try again next month, when there won’t be any Birthday parties or other annoying distractions.

What went wrong? Claire has never been on a diet for more than a week. She has never exercised for more than a month. She always eats right before going to bed. And she always feels bad when she sees fit women living their dream lives on Instagram. The truth is, most people cannot break their long-formed habits within a day. Especially if it’s more than one habit. Especially if a reason for breaking this habit is fundamentally wrong.

What could Claire do differently? An achievable goal like “Stop beating yourself up and come to terms with my own body” could lead to a much healthier start to the year. Other achievable goals like “Incorporate more fruit and veg into my diet”, “Try different gym classes to find what works for me” would help set Claire up for success at the end of 2021.

Reason 2: Setting goals that are outside of your control

Paul is determined to finally find a girlfriend this year. No more dating around, no more flirting and casual relationships. He wants something serious. He is ready for it. All of his friends are married with kids, he is the only bachelor left.

His New Year resolution number one: start a serious relationship. In order to meet someone, he downloads a dozen popular dating apps, registers on half of them and begins swiping left and right. After a few flirty chats, he reminds himself that he wants something serious this time. Meaning he must focus on getting to know someone as an individual.

After a week of chatting with lots of different women, he finally finds that one girl who comes across more serious and mature. She doesn’t want to meet until they learn more about each other. Paul is hopeful, so he continues their online conversation, generously sharing the details of his childhood and early adulthood. They develop a meaningful connection, and she is ready to take it offline.

Their first date has nothing to do with drinks, restaurants or cafes. He takes her out for a walk. Suzie turns out to be even better in real life. Paul even goes as far as to think she is a real “wife material”.

Six months down the line, they are in a relationship. It is difficult to say whether it’s serious because Suzie doesn’t want to plan too far ahead. Two months into their relationship, she bluntly stated that she is not ready for marriage or kids, at least not now. Half-way through Paul also discovered that Suzie is a very progressive woman, who favours an open relationship. Sitting alone on a sofa on a Friday night, Paul receives a text from Suzie: “Don’t wait for me tonight, I’m with someone. Dinner is in the fridge. xoxo”. Even though Paul was certain they could make this open relationship thing work, he is now certain this is a load of BS and he won’t put up with it a minute longer. He responds: “No worries. Please collect your stuff tomorrow and leave. xoxo”.

What went wrong? Paul set a goal, which was not entirely in his control. Yes, he can start a relationship. However, no matter how hard he tries, he cannot turn it into a “serious relationship” because it depends on another person. A living breathing person, who may come across mature and serious, but is in fact wanting a completely different life. It’s not the best idea to follow a scenario, trying to get to know another person, almost “screening” potential candidates to then actually find out that they are not who you thought they were. Perhaps it’s best to follow your heart? Who knows, but setting a goal to fall in love and get married can be counterproductive and result in disappointment.

What Paul could do differently? Paul could’ve set a goal, which would be entirely up to him to realise. For example: “Meet more interesting people, especially women”, “Understand what I want from a relationship”, “Get to know more women as individuals rather than casually”. The rest would be up to the Universe (or luck) 🙂

Reason 3. Setting goals and expecting someone else to achieve them for you

“New Year Resolution 1: start my own business“ – Fran was writing this phrase in her freshly refilled Filofax organiser for the third year in a row. She was angry and upset, thinking: “Why is it never working out for me?!”. She has recently found out that her friend Sarah opened her own coffee shop. It was almost physically painful for Fran to put a smile on her face when she heard the news. While she was hoping Sarah didn’t notice severe disappointment on her face, this feeling of guilt was overridden by an overwhelming sense of injustice. Why, God, why it was so easy for other people to start their business but not for her?! After all, she’s been waiting to become an independent successful businesswoman for the past 5 years! 2 years before she started believing in those stupid New Year resolutions, which never work anyway.

Deep in her depression, Fran was struggling to keep herself motivated at work. “I hate 9-5”, she thought. Every morning she was dreading yet another day of working for someone other than herself. When Fran finally decided to do something about it, she booked her first psychotherapy session on an aggregator site. Therapist, a lovely woman in her mid-30s, turned out to have her own practice. Fran smiled ironically: “What are the chances!”. She would’ve preferred to be seen by someone who is an employee, just like Fran, not a business owner.

While she enjoyed the first two sessions, she then began getting frustrated with questions like “What do you think stops you from starting your own business?”, “What do you think causes you to envy your friends who run their own business?”, “What limiting beliefs do you have about achieving success?”. It was too much for her; and it was all irrelevant. Fran didn’t have a rich husband or wealthy parents to sponsor her business, she doesn’t have business education as her parents wanted her to study law, she has no clue where to start and she’s an introvert who can’t just simply build a network in any industry! No, the reason she went to a psychotherapist was because she needed an answer to a completely different question: “Why am I so unlucky and why am I so undeserving, otherwise why are everyone else’s dreams come true but mine never do?!”.

It’s December again. After a few unsuccessful applications for the positions of a co-founder, Fran gave up. She was certain that if it was meant to be, it would have flown into her hands. The opportunity to start her own business would’ve fallen from the sky. Isn’t that how it works?!

What went wrong? Fran confused New Year resolutions with a letter to Santa. She never wanted to start her own business. She wanted someone to hand it to her. Preferably, on a plate. Fran got used to taking the passenger seat in her life, avoiding responsibility, and instead miserably (yet comfortably) living in a victim mode. As an undeserving, unworthy individual, who could never start her own business – because life was unfair like that.

What Fran could do differently? A trip to a psychotherapist would probably be an adequate first step. Fran doesn’t believe in herself and is full of fears when it comes to taking responsibility for her own life. Her achievable resolutions could be “To start believing in myself – find a psychotherapist and read self-help books”, “To create a step-by-step plan of starting my own business”, “To register a company”, “Research how to start a business from scratch”, “To attend industry events”, “Save up ÂŁx and build a website”. For someone like Fran, who has almost never taken charge of her life, a goal that asks her to start a business is not achievable – it is simply too big and too scary to grasp. Plus, a New Year resolution is unlikely to be ticked off a list if you expected someone else to make it happen for you.

Reason 4. Setting goals that are not yours

Toby has decided that this year will be the year he finds a stable job. His girlfriend Linda is not just an angel he is madly in love with, she is also a very demanding angel. Linda’s been complaining about them not having a stable income that would allow them to save enough money for a Euro-trip. She is obsessed with the idea of buying a camper van and travelling around Europe for a whole year before they found a perfect place for them to settle down, get married and have kids.

He is very understanding of the fact that Linda is still a student at a School of Arts, she cannot drop out just to find a full-time job. Toby, on the other hand, is a grown-ass man (this February he will turn 30) who has been freelancing for the past 2 years. While freelancing is helping him pay his bills and more, he can never save up. With his education and experience, he could find a well-paid full-time job fairly easily. Toby’s tried working in an office before and he knew how much he hated it. However, if it’s just for a year or two, and if it’s something that will make Linda happy, he can manage. It’s not all that bad.

After the first three interviews, Toby’s confidence almost vanished. He started questioning whether a corporate job was really worth it. Coming back home to Linda, who would normally encourage him to keep going because “Imagine how great it would be to travel around Europe together, babe, it’s just for a few years!”, he’d try to cheer himself up. Yes, it is motivating enough. He wants to travel around Europe together with Linda. He hates driving but he loves Linda.

Linda was right, Toby found a job within a month of starting the application process. He was a good specialist, and while the freelance market for his expertise was very competitive, the job market was different. His first day at work was full of introductions and small talk – two things he could not stand. Toby has always been an introvert who strongly preferred working independently. Come evening, he felt shattered. “Only a year or two” felt almost like a prison sentence to him at that moment. He remembered all of the reasons why he left his first corporate job and never looked back.

He had to tell Linda that he couldn’t do it for her. Linda flipped out. Accused him of being an egocentric fool who lacked any ambition in life. His heart dropped when he heard those words. His previous girlfriend used to tell him the same thing, that he was not ambitious enough and his freelance work was the main reason she would never start a family with him. Suddenly he realised that the Euro-trip was never appealing to him. He realised he did not want to go against his truth to please someone, especially someone who is supposed to love and accept him the way he is.

What went wrong? Toby set a goal that was not his goal to begin with. He did not want a full-time job. While in this example it was clear that it was his girlfriend’s influence that made him set this New Year resolution, sometimes it’s not that easy to pinpoint whose influence we’re under when setting irrelevant goals. For example, in the beginning of the year you may think you want to get a driving licence but in reality you don’t want it but you think you must get it because everyone else your age has it. The likelihood of achieving a goal that is not in line with your heart’s desires is very low in any case.

What Toby could do differently? If Toby really wanted to save up for a Euro-trip with his girlfriend, he could’ve tried to figure out how they could do it together. Resolutions like “Find additional income sources”, “Find a part-time job”, “Advertise online to bring new clients” would be a lot better than taking sole responsibility for their dream, which also implies completely changing his preferred way of living. A general rule of thumb though is to avoid setting goals that are dictated by someone other than yourself.

Reason 5. Setting goals when you don’t love yourself

Marion’s girlfriend broke up with her on New Year’s eve. That led to Marion spending the whole night crying her eyes out. Why do all of her girlfriends break up with her around this time of year?! On the 1st of Jan, after a dreadful night and 30 minutes of sleep, Marion woke up broken-hearted yet determined for this year to be different. This year she will make all of her past girlfriends regret their decision to leave her. She will become a completely different person.

“Cut and dye my hair”, “Become the best kick-ass kickboxer ever” (having never kickboxed before), “Find a new cool job in tech”, “Rhinoplasty”, “Read at least 5 books a month, attend art exhibitions, watch indie films”, “Become confident and find new cool friends”… Marion’s list was incredibly ambitious. All of her resolutions were aimed at becoming a new person. Someone she was imagining to be a lot better than her. Someone who was worthy of a long-lasting relationship. Someone… who wasn’t her.

As she was daydreaming about this amazing new person she was planning to turn into, a little girl inside her was sobbing. Forgotten, neglected and bullied, this little Marion was clueless as to why she was not enough. She never understood what was wrong with her; why everyone, starting from her parents, wanted nothing to do with her. Was it because she was shorter than most other girls? Was it because she wore a silly ponytail? Was it because her nose seemed too big to her? Was it because she was not interesting, leading a normal life? Or was it because she was gay that her parents stopped talking to her…

As her subconscious was processing this information, a painful thought crossed Marion’s mind… Would it help if she added “Date a guy” to her New Year resolutions? Perhaps this could make her parents regret leaving her… As this idea was growing bigger in her head, Marion left any and every interest in her freshly produced New Year resolutions. She lay down on the floor, curled up, tears creating a small puddle under her head. “So, the only way to make people love me is become someone else entirely?”…

Spoiler alert: Marion never reached her New Year goals and is happy about that. Funnily enough, despite failing to keep her NY resolutions, that year she met the most wonderful person, with whom she built a lifelong loving relationship. Her ex-girlfriends envied that girl as she seemed so effortlessly happy. Even her parents met her new partner and, surprisingly, they loved her and accepted her into their family. The name of that awesome girl is Marion.

On that beautiful note, I wish you all to love yourself, take charge of your life, and enjoy life with or without New Year resolutions 🙂

Sincerely yours,

Self-love Academy

Acting out of fear vs. love

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Short essay about fears, love, betrayal, rational / irrational behaviour and even bungee jumping.

living out of love, not fear
Photo by Joshua Abner from Pexels
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Act 1. Fear

Fear is an essential feeling: it ensures our survival. Fear makes us reasonable in our expectations. We don’t expect to jump off a cliff, get up and dust off as if nothing happened. We can thank our fears for not letting us swear at a boss, walk around naked, and drive 200mph on a busy motorway. Fear, like many other seemingly negative feelings, can be good. However, only in healthy doses and in appropriate circumstances.

When does fear become unhealthy? The answer is quite straightforward: fear becomes an unhealthy feeling when it begins controlling one’s life. Many of us are riddled with fears. I am not an exception. For the most part of my life, fears dictated not only the way I lived but also who I was. The way I dressed, the way I spoke, the way I behaved. “What if I will offend someone, what if someone will think I’m stupid, awkward, ugly…”, “What if something happens to my loved ones, what if something happens to me…”, “What if they won’t like me, what if he doesn’t love me, what if I’m left all on my own…”, “What if I run out of money, what if I don’t find another job, what if I’m just an untalented piece of shit?!” – the list goes on and on.

Needless to say, when every move you make and every word you say comes from a place of fear rather than truth, life becomes a chore. It’s not even a nightmare, it is really a chore: something you hate doing but you have to. With time, I got so used to it, that I lost myself. For a long time, I felt trapped. As if I was watching my life pass me by through a cage carefully crafted from a vast array of fears. Days turned into months, months turned into years. Not much changed. I was still a frightened bug caught in a web. Something as simple as going out for a walk on my own would make my stomach turn.

It led me to developing massive co-dependency. Whenever I had to do things by myself, a survival mode would switch on. I felt as if I couldn’t stand straight on my own, as if even a slight gust of wind could sweep me off my feet. That’s how insecure I felt. Is this Lucy walking down the street? Most certainly not, Lucy is amazing, confident, she illuminates the surroundings with her presence. It’s not Lucy walking down the street like a shadow of a person, no. It’s her fears.

Fears also nearly ruined my personal life. Almost every friendship, every relationship I had. My romantic relationships were a complete disaster. How are you supposed to provide love, kindness and support to another human being when you’re being eaten alive from within? My fear of lies and betrayal literally drove me and the people I loved mad. It turned me into a control freak, someone I didn’t want to be. I just couldn’t fight it: when inside you, you carry more fears than your own self, it is hard to stay in charge.

Long story short, fears eat you and your life away, one bite at a time. They enter your life when you least expect it and then find a comfortable place in your brain, until they make their way into the control room. Is that you shouting at your kids, is that you rejecting a dear friend, is that you saying yes to a job you know you’ll hate? Or is it the fear of your children growing up unruly, is it the fear of getting hurt by your friends, is it the fear of being in need? Was it me checking my boyfriends’ phones or was it the fear of betrayal, which entered my life on a fine sunny day when I learnt from my mother than all men were cheaters?

Fears do not represent us. They are most definitely a part of us, a natural part of human experience. However, they are not who we really are. Remove fears – and you may find yourself. When fear is unfounded, it acts as an imaginary obstacle. In most cases, the source of fear is a simple desire to control life and fight uncertainty. We want to know what will happen to us. We want to avoid pain, disappointment, loneliness. That’s why we crave certainty. We yearn for something that can never be granted. No one can give you a cast-iron guarantee about anything in life. It is terrifying to realise this but it can also be quite liberating.

If you are prone to irrational fears, don’t beat yourself up. Don’t blame yourself for acting out of fear. It is not your fault – that’s how we are created, our human psyche is so complex. You are most definitely not expected to know how to deal with it. Nobody really knows how to handle ourselves: although we already know a lot, there is still so much to learn and uncover. And remember that you are not your fears. You are much more than that.

Act 2. Love

We have already established that living out of baseless fear is unproductive: it ruins joy, happiness, relationships and yourself. That said, it doesn’t mean that living out of love is as easy as pressing a reset button. First of, what does living out of love mean? Put simply, it means that you are connected with your inner source of love, you listen to it and you act in accordance with it. It doesn’t mean that you have to get rid of all your fears before you can live out of love. Quite the opposite. Most likely, living out of love will require you to accept that yes, you are afraid, you are petrified. You never “did it your way”. You never followed your gut / heart / inner voice (underline whatever’s applicable). Meaning it’s fine to be scared as you’re doing something for the first time and nobody can guarantee you that it’s the right choice for you.

Yes, you heard that right. Nobody can guarantee you that you won’t fail. You might even fail. You might even fail more than once. However, in doing so, you will know that it was your decision. If it was your decision, it means that you are in charge. You are in the driver’s seat. You can grow and evolve as a result. Yes, it might be more painful and uncomfortable than living snuggled under a fear blanket. At the same time, if we let fears control our lives, is the term “living” even appropriate? After all, it really is better to regret something that you have done than what you haven’t.

Caveat 1. One thing to note here, when talking about living out of love, it’s not implied that you should go crazy, go bungee jumping, or say “yes” to every opportunity that comes your way. I actually believe that living out of love can be done with a great deal of caution, which is not the same as fear. Caution means you look after yourself when venturing into the unknown. Caution means you let rational fears guide you but not stop you. Caution means you think and consider, analyse and research, and only then you make a decision but you do make it and you follow through with it rather than standing still. Caution means you don’t expect to jump off a cliff (because you think your heart said so) without a parachute and any repercussions. Reasonable caution is a form of self-love.

For example, say, you hate your job. Your heart is telling you to leave, find a better place. Your heart tells you to go study literature. Or open a flower shop. Or just move to another city and start anew. It would be totally irresponsible of me, a complete Internet stranger, to advise you to “just go for it”, “forget about everything and just quit”. I would strongly advise you to do your research, save up if you can, find an alternative temporary solution (which might be better, even if it’s not ideal). Devise a plan of action. Be careful not to jump at every opportunity – do not be desperate. Acting out of desperation is not that far from acting out of fear.

Watch your inner state, watch your thoughts, your feelings. If you feel really bad, lost, hurt, I personally think it’s best to pause and avoid making rash decisions. Living out of love doesn’t usually entail hurrying to quit your job (like, yesterday) because you hate it. It’s quite the opposite: you want to do something that you really love, something that truly inspires you – and that’s why you are quitting your job. It’s a completely different state of mind and spirit. You are taking a decision out of love, not hate.

Caveat 2. One more caveat that comes with living out of love: don’t be fooled by your mind’s tricks when it tells you to do something radical. Radical often means easy. In turn, easy can mean that it’s not right. Let’s illustrate it with another example: a woman and a man have been married for 20+ years, they have children together, then one day she finds out that he has cheated on her. She googles “what to do when husband cheats” and nearly every article, Reddit user and divorcee out there bluntly states that the only way is out. He is a horrible disgusting person, he will never change, he has betrayed you meaning he doesn’t love you, or respect you, or has any feelings for you whatsoever. It is easier to leave when someone betrays you. It seems to her that her heart is begging her to leave right this moment. And take the kids with her. But what if she decides to try and understand why it happened in the first place? Not because she must have mercy or forgive her husband, pretend it’s all fine and get on with it. But because she wants to see if this unfortunate situation can offer something meaningful and nurturing for her and her personal / spiritual growth. Something that can help her either mend the existing relationship or change her own behaviour to avoid the same mistakes in the future.

Summary

Dear reader, I know that this blog post is already too long by the modern standards. So, let’s summarise it right here: living out of irrational fear is bad, especially when it controls your whole life and doesn’t let you shine bright like a diamond. Living out of love does not mean going crazy and following whatever weird silly idea that comes to your head. Living out of love means knowing yourself, looking after yourself and making decisions for yourself and not against others (whether it’s a husband, a job, a parent etc.).

With all of that said, I wish myself and each and every person to live and act out of mature self-love ❤️

Sincerely yours,

Self-Love Academy

How to practice self-love: in 5 (not easy) steps

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Photo by Giulia Bertelli on Unsplash

I didn’t love myself for the most part of my life.

I didn’t even know that I needed to. I’d simply brush off any advice containing these two words in the same sentence: “love” and “yourself”. In my little self-deprecating head, self-love was very similar to rocket science. Which is why I didn’t even bother learning more about it.

And that was fair enough since I grew up in the post-Soviet space, where the notion of self-love was synonymous to egocentrism. Putting yourself first, failure to think about others or to meet societal expectations were still frowned upon. Whereas self-sacrifice was considered a norm – almost like a gold medal earned at the expense of health and well-being: you could proudly demonstrate it to others along with your complete and utter unhappiness. It was particularly trendy to use self-sacrifice as a baseball bat you could beat up your loved ones with: “I spent the best years of my life on you!”.

Unsurprisingly, I followed the same pattern in life. I was trying to be good to others, for others. All the while carrying a gaping hole in my heart. I tried to fill it with someone else’s love by yearning for it, trying to earn it, demanding it. And, of course, ultimately failing at all of my attempts. Not because others didn’t love me. It was because I could never fill a broken cup.

I hated spending time on my own. My troubled thoughts would rush in the moment I found myself alone. Self-criticism, suspicions, fears. I never trusted people. And since my sick sense of self-worth was based entirely on the approval and love from others, I’d drive myself mad doubting their feelings and integrity. What a nightmare it was for me and my loved ones, replaying these memories in my head honestly saddens me.

So, a “perfect recipe” for a miserable life contains the following ingredients: lack or absence of self-love, daddy (or mommy) issues, immaturity, self-sacrifice as a means to obtaining love and approval from others, and sense of guilt for wanting to be yourself and doing what your heart desires.

When I finally began waking up to the need for self-love, I realised I had no idea how to do it and where to even start. My first steps were based on an Instagram-inspired understanding of the matter: take baths, apply face masks, soak in epsom salts. It felt good, it honestly did. Definitely didn’t increase my level of self-love but was probably nourishing for the skin.

I then started digging deeper. I had to, life left me little choice. My health was deteriorating for some unknown reason and I had to find a solution. A lasting solution. A spiritual one. I arrived at this decision after spending thousands of pounds on diets, supplements and miracle programs.

Step 1

Ok, so how do you fall in love with yourself for the first time? That is, other than taking bubbly baths and romantically looking out of a café window while sipping latte in complete solitude.

It might surprise some of you but the first step is to sit your ass down. Make sure you’re on your own in your space and will not be disturbed for the next few hours (better if you have half a day). You then need to tune in with your inner senses. If you’re finding it hard and your mind drifts away, try to focus your attention on your fingers, toes. Can you feel them? If you can, what do you think makes them feel so alive? Focus on that energy.

The purpose of this exercise is for you to become aware of yourself. It sounds dumb because we normally think that we already know that we exist, we know ourselves and sure as hell are aware of ourselves. The reality is that probably less than 1% of human beings are actually aware of their own presence. It’s a long and challenging journey but you can certainly do it by beginning to feel the energy in your fingers, toes, then body.

My experience with that was when I first sat down to feel myself, I realised that all of the pain in my soul was actually separate from me. I felt it – physically. I felt that all of the pain I’d been carrying around for years on end was not a part of me. It was its own entity that I could distance myself from – on a physical level. It was after reading Eckhart Tolle’s book that mentions a notion of a “pain body”.

Don’t worry if you don’t succeed at first. Keep practicing – even if you have only 5 minutes a day / a week: sit down with yourself and try to feel your presence, gradually separating your pain / doubts / insecurities / hurt / fears from You. You can even try imagining them as balls of yarn. Thread by thread, untangle it and separate it from your energy, presence and soul.

Step 2

After self-awareness comes awakening. Awakening to the fact that in order to love yourself, you first need to find yourself among the debris of limiting beliefs, fears, expectations, false identities that were instilled by your parents, or school teachers, or society. It could be from a trauma or multiple traumas. NB! If you think that you definitely didn’t experience any traumatic events, I can tell you for sure that you most probably did if you don’t love yourself. It can be as small as someone’s brash comment about your looks or as big as an actual trauma, e.g. if your parent mistreated you.

And, in order to find yourself, you need to get rid of all that rubbish that is not you. Let’s call it “spiritual self-care”. Your soul needs a bubbly bath just as much (if not more) as your body. After all, how often do you cleanse your soul? Well, exactly. Not even a shower or a quick rinse, eh? All those years…

Now, how do you cleanse your soul, I hear you ask? Well, the answer should be obvious enough: with tears. I know, my friend. Don’t tell me you’ve never cried or you don’t know how to do it. It’s the same as telling me you’ve never brushed your teeth and are not going to even try.

Ok, well for those of you who are really against tears: how do you usually release stress? I can only think of screaming, beating up your pillow(s), or smashing furniture (preferably something cheap, IKEA should do). As long as you don’t harm yourself or others, or make neighbours call the police, it should do the job.

The main purpose with this next exercise is to gradually release the pain that is not for you to carry. It’s not worth anything other than years lost on living someone else’s life. So you can safely discharge it and free up some space for much-needed selfish love.

I cried for two weeks straight. Then some more – and more. Just open the door and it will begin pouring out. If not, don’t worry. If you keep at it, it eventually will.

In order to make yourself cry, it’s best to try and replay the hurtful memories in your head. Don’t worry, if it caused you pain, you will most likely remember it pretty effortlessly. Art can also help with this therapy: you can write, draw, listen to the music on a similar topic, read a book that touches your soul, watch a film that you can relate to – anything will do.

However, please note that if your trauma is deep and serious, you should seek professional help – it’s dangerous to keep trying to help yourself when your burden is too heavy to lift on your own and you could do it safely with support from another person.

Step 3

Your spirit may not be as sparkly clean as we’d want it to but remember, it’s a gradual process and not an overnight miracle. Chances are, however, if you keep cleansing your internal being as often as you cleanse your exterior, you will feel a lot lighter.

The next step, once we’ve made some room for better things to enter our soul, is to fill it with these better things. I’m talking about affirmations. Practicing gratitude. Adopting more helpful beliefs while unlearning harmful ones.

I’d start by talking to yourself: do you have a mirror? Then look yourself in the eyes and tell yourself something very kind and loving. You may not believe it, that’s fine. You may want to cringe. You may want to look away. It may not make any sense – doesn’t matter! Just tell yourself: “I love you and I will never leave you. I’m sorry I’ve not been there for you but I am here now – and I won’t leave”.

If you make a habit out of talking to yourself in this kind of fashion: as you would to a close, dear friend, you will see how the inner being inside of you transforms into a more glowing and joyous one. After all, your spirit has always loved you and always waited for you to love it back.

Step 4

Ok, what’s next? I sit with myself, I cry with myself, I talk to myself – now what? Now, my friend, is the time we moved to others.

Boundaries is your step number 4. It’s one of the hardest steps as it involves other people as well. Don’t get me wrong though, you also need to build boundaries with yourself. It sounds confusing, but let me explain.

To start building boundaries with yourself, you need to keep your promises and have your best interests at heart. For example: you’re very tired after a long day at work and you just want to netflix’n’chill. However, just this morning you promised to yourself that you’d go to your yoga class. Or a cookery class. Or read a book. Whatever that is, that your soul wanted to do. And in order to make sure your inner being doesn’t get upset, you just go and do whatever your soul (not your cheeky lazy brain) desires. That said, sometimes you should order that takeaway or treat yourself – if that’s what You really want.

However, most times we have to learn to take actions that are in the best interests of our spirit. Our spirits are not here on this planet to mindlessly binge Game of Thrones or play drinking games with friends (although entertainment is not prohibited, it’s just not the main purpose – with some exceptions, I guess). So, what does your spirit wish you would do? Don’t pretend you don’t know the answer: as long as you’ve ever done something nourishing for your soul, you should be able to give at least one good answer.

Building and protecting your boundaries with others is where it gets complicated. Slowly but surely, learn to tune into your feelings and act in accordance with them. If you feel like saying “No”, say “Maybe” if a firm “no” feels a bit too hard to master at once. You don’t want to see your friends tonight? You don’t want to do your colleague a favour? You don’t like what someone said about your outfit? You can definitely set boundaries in a non-confrontational way. With time, you will also learn to avoid that feeling of guilt.

It might come as surprise to you but nobody really cares about what we say or do – at least not as much as we assume. Ok, maybe your parents are control freaks – but even then you can arrive at a comfortable place, where you live by your own rules and you don’t let anyone break the boundaries that matter to you the most.

As we are humans and we can never be perfect, chances are, your boundaries will suffer: whether it’s someone else or your own mistreatment of yourself, that is fine. Just make sure you don’t try to silence your inner voice when it tells you it doesn’t like something. That is, if you want to learn to love yourself.

Step 5

Now that you’ve realised the problem, spring cleaned, furnished your new space with helpful items and built a sturdy fence to protect it, now all you need to do is enjoy it.

You might think: “Wait, what?! Is that it?!”. As if enjoying is an easy thing to do! It’s the hardest, most dreadful part in the journey to mastering self-love. I will explain why.

Rebuilding your self-love will most likely lead to you rethinking your life. Once you’ve completed all of the previous steps, your new challenge is to start living by your new rules in line with your new vision. You now have the duty of listening to yourself and living in line with what you hear. At least more or less. This is the key to enjoying your newly acquired self-love: you’ve got to practice it. Make it your new motto.

Practicing self-love isn’t as easy (although not exclusive of) as taking a bath or applying a face mask. It means living in alignment with who you truly are and with your true desires. By “desires” I don’t mean finding a partner, starting a family or becoming a billionaire (although who’s going to judge you if you truly want any of these things). I mean, what do You want? Name at least one thing – any thing – and do it.

It also means being brave enough to fall short of expectations, go against what others want from you if that’s not what you want, leaving things and people that don’t serve you behind. Or taking the decision to stick with certain situations or surroundings – knowing and feeling that it is for your own good.

And, most importantly, enjoying the process. And yes, self-love is a process and it takes a lifetime. There will always be something to work on, work through, understand, forgive, release, find a new path or affirmation, build a new boundary, and repeat. This is the beauty of life, and the beauty of life in self-love is for evermore profound. Not because you get to be yourself and feel good about it but also because you are evolving, learning, growing – and becoming the best version of your wonderful, inspiring, magnificent self.

Come to the Dark Side: Should you fight your demons?

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Come to the Dark Side, we have cookies. Photo credit: R.D. Smith unsplash.com

Sometimes (perhaps, most times!) loving yourself also means loving your demons. Gently embracing your dark side. Coming to terms with an enormous variety of personas, all of whom form a unique and wonderful You.

1. Theory

Not so long ago, I sat down in a circle of like-minded people to share tea in silence. It was not my first experience of a silent tea ceremony and every time it led me to interesting discoveries. There is something extremely special about the need to stay still and sip tea slowly, mindfully – no matter how you feel inside, you can’t disturb others or rush the experience.

This time, I feel particularly restless. My mind is overflowing with thoughts as I am setting an intention to let go. Why do I want to let go? You see, I had been looking for a job for a long time with no luck and numerous rejections. As a result, my anxiety related to job search continued to grow. Together with the number of negative thoughts and paralysing fears. If it goes on like this, I thought to myself, it won’t be long until I hit rock bottom.

Incessant thinking does not seem to stop as I am finishing my second cup of tea. I still have time to relax and enjoy it. However, will the thoughts go away or are my attempts at stopping them futile? I begin worrying about failing to feel peaceful and failing to let go, relax. I’d hoped that the tea ceremony would bring me much needed serenity. If it won’t, I don’t know what will.

As I was sinking deeper into my troubling thoughts and feelings, an image came to my mind. I pictured my overactive mind as a wild black horse, galloping in a green field, with a rapidly approaching storm in the background. I tried to catch the horse, stop it, shout at it – pointless. It was only becoming wilder and more hostile, while I was feeling increasingly frustrated by it.

A few cups later and many attempts of catching the horse in my imagination, it dawned on me: let go. Don’t try to stop it. Embrace it. Accept it. It is a part of you, so it is never going away. Why don’t you show it some love? Why are you trying to fight it instead of surrendering to it? 

The moment I thought that and felt love for this troubled wild horse, it approached me. I gently touched its head and embraced it. I whispered: “I understand you, you have the right to feel what you feel and think what you think. It’s not been easy for you. I’m sorry for rejecting and blaming you – I accept you as part of me”. This moment brought tears into my eyes as I could feel the horse’s gratitude for accepting it, giving it love and thereby freeing both of us. A moment later, it galloped gracefully into a softly glowing sunrise. I smiled at a sense of complete tranquillity inside.

What did this spiritual awakening teach me? Our dark side needs love, too. It needs understanding. Yes, it can trouble us, make us feel miserable, drive us into deep depressions and raise our stress levels to the limits. However, denying it, fighting it, rejecting it will only make things worse. After all, there is a reason for its existence and a very sound one.

So remember this next time you find yourself possessed by some form of negativity and darkness. Open your heart to it, realise the fact that every thought and emotion is valid because we are humans, who are made up of yin and yang, good and bad, happy and sad. Love your negativity, talk to it as if it was your beloved friend in an urgent need of kindness and understanding. 

After all, as Martin Luther King rightly taught us: “Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.”

2. Practice

It might sound very good and simple in theory. However, when it comes to practice, many of us struggle to understand what it might actually entail. In this section of the article you can find an example of how you can potentially incorporate this practice into your life. 

Prior to providing the example, a few things to clarify: “dark side” refers to our thoughts and feelings rather than habitual harmful behaviours towards oneself and others. When it comes to persistent harmful behaviours, it is important to seek help from a certified professional as causes are likely to be complex. 

Secondly, accepting does not mean endorsing. It means dissolving it. When a negative feeling / thought / emotion is surrounded by strong positive vibes, it will eventually transform into a more beneficial experience.

Example: Alice & Anxiety

There are times in everyone’s life when something starts bothering us. Whether it’s a problem that seems impossible to resolve, or a highly anticipated outcome, or a number of issues that weigh heavily on our shoulders… Anxiety tends to build up over time as we ignore troubling thoughts or try to shake them off. It is only natural to avoid or postpone facing difficulties. The only trouble here is that these thoughts and feelings rarely go away on their own.

Let’s take a more specific example. Alice is afraid of flying. However, she can’t escape it as her new job requires taking frequent business trips. Moreover, her new manager reminds her a lot of her previous manager, whom she did not like but couldn’t exactly pinpoint the reason for it. Finally, she’s been putting off calling her mom as she’s been feeling overwhelmed with everything else. A few weeks later Alice’s anxiety is reaching peak levels as her first business trip with her new manager is fast approaching and she’s feeling increasingly guilty for not calling her mother. What should Alice do based on the theory of “embracing your dark side”?

Step 1. Alice needs to make time for herself. Book this time in her calendar and make sure that she’s not disturbed or distracted. 


Step 2. She writes down all of the troubling thoughts that have been playing non-stop in the background and consuming a lot of her energy, resulting in low productivity and even more anxiety. 

Step 3. Time to examine each thought in detail. She begins with the fear of flying. First of all, come to terms with the presence of this fear. Yes, I am afraid of flying. I want to understand why. Alice asks herself the following questions: what is this fear? When did it first occur? What was it related to? What exactly makes me anxious about the idea of taking a flight? What are the reasons for my anxiety? What happens if something does go wrong? What are the best and the worst case scenarios? Is my fear rational or irrational? What can I do to make it easier for me?

Step 4. Once a thought and related feelings are examined, it’s time to embrace them. Try to relate to your fear as if it was your friend. Understand it. Yes, we are all afraid of certain things and it’s perfectly OK. Yes, you might never fully overcome this fear and it’s also OK. Your fear is OK. And so are you. Give your imaginary fear or anxious thought an imaginary hug, ask for its forgiveness and forgive it. 

Step 5. Alice proceeds to apply the same principle to her worries about the manager and the feeling of guilt for not calling her mom. As for the manager, she realises that he talks to her in a strict and demanding manner, as if he was her teacher or parent. This makes her feel uncomfortable: first of all, she is not a child. Secondly, she doesn’t want to be micromanaged as Alice doesn’t perform at her best when she is. She works on embracing these feelings, understanding their validity and decides to discuss her views and feelings in an open, diplomatic yet firm way.

Step 6. Feeling guilty about postponing important tasks is wrong. Guilt neither helps you accomplish anything nor simplifies the situation. All it does is adds to anxiety. Nevertheless it is absolutely fine to feel guilty about not calling loved ones. They matter to you and you want to let them know you’re safe, as well as find out how they are doing. It is also OK not to call them anyway because you’ve been busy and overwhelmed. Thankfully, there is a simple solution to this problem: Alice forgives herself for not calling her mom and for feeling guilty. She understands that as a human being it’s impossible to be a perfect daughter and a perfect person. Then she counts down from 5 to 0 and dials mom’s number.

Conclusion

On a final note, here is a 5 minute practice (that was kindly shared by The Crystal Tarot Girl on her YouTube channel) for the times when you’re on the go and can’t afford to sit down and analyse your feelings in detail:

  • Sit down somewhere quiet (could even a bathroom)
  • Breathe in and out a few times to feel more grounded
  • Close your eyes and place both hands on your chest (over your heart)
  • Say “I acknowledge part of me is feeling *describe, e.g. “sad”* about *describe, e.g. “an argument with a friend”* and I choose to let these feelings flow through me freely, right now
  • Deep breath in and out, then gently open your eyes, look at yourself kindly and with understanding (as if you’re the Puss in Boots from Shrek)

Hope the above theory and practice will help you on your journey to loving your dark side 🙂

Sincerely yours,

Self-Love Academy

What does loving yourself feel like?

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Photo by Craig Adderley from Pexels

Episode 1.

She had one of those days, working from home, 9-5… Her to-do list keeps on growing, she can’t keep up. Misunderstanding with a manager, upcoming monthly report, fear of failure during highly uncertain times. These times, when it seems that losing your job equals a complete and total disaster.

Uncertainty is not only the main theme of the external world – it also applies to her personal life. Sometimes she wonders what it feels like to have a stable job, a husband, a mortgage, a kid or two, and a dog. A normal happy life. The kind of life, where you have friends over for a barbecue whenever it’s warm and sunny in London.

Sometimes it’s difficult to come to terms with the fact that her life differs from what seems to be the “norm”. It can be even more difficult to accept that the reason she is not living a normal life is because she is not normal. “Give me an example”, she hears you say. You’re right, perhaps it’s all in her head. Perhaps she is normal.

Perhaps it’s normal to be an extreme overthinker, massive empath and pathological perfectionist. Even if it is normal, she doesn’t want that kind of life. Where there is no room for effortless flow and simple miracles because there is too much stress due to unsuccessful attempts to control the uncontrollable, can you actually call it “life”?

Episode 2.

Self-love has become trendy. Self-love is now an Instagram-worthy caption. “A day of self-care”… You can find it on every influencer’s Insta page. It usually comes with a picture of woman’s legs soaking in a bubble bath covered with rose petals and surrounded by a bunch of candles.

“Ok, if that’s what self-love is about…” – her thoughts while filling a bath with bubbly water. When she got all comfy in the bath, the round shower head started dripping. Drops of cold water falling down on her legs. “Just like my life”, she thought to herself. “While everything else seems fine like this bath full of pleasantly warm water, I still can’t help but concentrate on the few annoying cold drops”.

Her head was filled with worries about her conversation with the manager earlier that day. “I need to come up with a decent explanation to solve this disappointing misunderstanding”. Quite frankly, she was beating herself up for the words that slipped out of her mouth. She didn’t realise how they must’ve sounded.

It was becoming too much to bear. “Let go”, she asked herself. Trying to feel the process of letting go with every cell of her body and spirit. It seemed to work, although work-related concerns were still lingering in the air.

She took a bath sponge and began massaging her legs. Suddenly, something strange happened. She felt an immense wave of love washing over her entire being. Love towards herself. Overcome with an urge to hug her knee, as weird and funny as that sounds, she felt as if her heart exploded and tears poured down her leg.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry…” Looking at her body, she saw it. She really saw it. Her body housing a spirit. Her body is not hers. It’s her spirit’s. The spirit that has been travelling with her through centuries of various lives, good and bad, happy and sad. It’s always been there for her. It never left her. Her spirit, her only true friend and companion.

“Why am I putting you through this?! Why am I crushing you when you’re all that I have…”

“I love you so much, I love you more than anyone in life… I’m sorry for everything, please forgive me…”

Wrapping her arms around her shoulders, as if they are not hers but her best, kindest, purest and most loving friend’s shoulders. And it’s true, they are not hers. First and foremost, they belong to her spirit. Without it, nothing else would’ve mattered.

After all, these influencers are not wrong: taking a bubbly bath may lead to the most profound and real experience of loving oneself.

Food for thought

“Oh that’s all wonderful and stuff but I don’t have a bath / I don’t like taking baths / my bubbles don’t foam…”, we hear you say.

Great news, you don’t need a bath to experience this kind of love. Sit down in silence with yourself and observe your body. Try to imagine all the work that your body and your spirit are doing right now to keep you alive. Try to remember the myriads of lives you shared with your spirit. Try to feel the love it provides you with, unconditionally and endlessly.

If you haven’t experienced it yet, we wish you the most unforgettable and heart-opening encounter with your own true self.

Sincerely yours,

Self-Love Academy.