Mind body connection

Anonymous rage of a chronically ill

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Warning to the reader: if you’re taking it personally, then that makes the two of us.


FUCK YOU BODY. FUCK YOU HEALTH. FUCK YOU MIND.

I am so done with you.

I have been trying to help you in every way that I can and you keep on resisting as if I’m your fucking enemy.
If you wanted to convey some kind of a message, if you wanted to tell me something important with this illness, you would have done so a long time ago.
I’ve been listening. I’ve been trying to heal you emotionally. I’ve been trying to heal you psychologically. Physically. I’m done.

That stupid brain of mine that’s been making my life miserable ever since I discovered I had it, well, if you’re trying to make my body ill to the point of no return, you will literally have NO BODY.

And I will continue on living. I will find another body that will be fucking grateful for the life that a soul can give to it. I will find a mind that will not be fucking miserable and feel sorry for itself.

You will never win. If you think I am your enemy and target, you will never win. And I will. I don’t care, I’m a soul, I’m eternal. In the grand scheme of things, you will never win.

Ego is not eternal. And I am here to help you, and all you do is treat me like a piece of shit.

You are great, you are an amazing thinker, you could do so much with your power to make a difference in this world and become immortal in the lives that you could touch with your wisdom and insight.

And all you are doing instead is trying to run us into the ground with overthinking, overanalysing, making us miserable, ill and depressed.

If you’d rather live in fear and hurry to end things, then HONESTLY, so BE IT.

If you want to fight me, find a flaw in me that would excuse you from taking action, then you can.

I will not fight you any longer. You are pathetic and childish. You are a total fucking loser.

If that’s who you want to be, then be it. It’s none of my business any more.

I will just patiently share this property with you for as long as I can. Knowing that all your complaints and whining are pure fucking nonsense. You don’t want to be helped. You want to be a victim. You want yourself and others to feel sorry for you because your stupid sensitive ass is too afraid to deal with the harshness of the world.

Well, guess what, nobody cares about you. Well, I did, but you pushed me away.

The never-ending loop of sadness is an illusion you’re painting for yourself because you’re too much of a loser to face your fears.

It’s impossible to love a victim. Victims only want blood. Suck you dry. If you are a victim, then go fuck yourself. Stop fucking with me.

All my life I’ve been there for you to offer you union. I’ve been trying to show you all the great things we could’ve achieved together. To guide you in the direction of fulfilment, happiness and freedom.

But you’d rather sit in your fucking cave and cry for no reason, for unbearably stupid-ass reasons you’ve made up to excuse your sorry ass from living a full life. You do know there are millions of strong minds out there, who really do have something to complain about and they CHOOSE NOT TO. And you CHOOSE TO.

I am not you and you will never make me identify myself as a chronically ill, depressed and lost victim.

I am a winner and I will win with or without you, and while we’re both here, you can still decide – note that I will not be convincing you any longer.

Cold regards,

Your fucking soul.

I hate myself – Part 1

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Not the sort of phrase you’d expect to find in the Self Love Academy central.

Do you hate yourself? I do. I hate myself with passion.

I literally can’t stand myself. Furthermore, I hate myself back.

How can that be?

If you are one whole entity, how can you possibly hate yourself?

One miserable family

There is this thing called splitting. It is 100% real even if it’s not proven by the scientists, even if it’s not material splitting, it manifests in the material world with an illness, an accident, or another unpleasant occurrence.

My mind, my body and my spirit are splitting – I am not one whole entity.

I am the mind that hates the spirit, the spirit that despises the mind, and the body that plays a role of a child being torn apart by its divorced parents.

The mind is the father: rational, controlling, strict, pragmatic, busy, ambitious, punishing, righteous, arrogant, ego-driven.

The spirit is the mother: fragile, kind, gentle, emotional, feeling, timid, artistic, free, eccentric, empathetic, powerful, loving.

The body is the child: incapable of making its own decisions without its parents, dependent, suffering from the conflict in the household it can’t escape.

Although the father is arrogant, in reality he hides his deep-seated humongous insecurity.

Although the mother is fragile, she cannot be controlled forever due to her inner strength and the magnitude of her power.

Although the child is dependent, its parents cannot ignore its suffering for too long.

That has to live together

No matter how much misery runs in this household, they cannot escape each other.

They are a family, a unit. They constitute a person.

However, and unfortunately, if they don’t find peace, their unit will be breaking down.

I have realised it fully only recently. I am working on finding a compromise.

I can no longer be the “dog in the burning house saying it’s ok”.

If the house burns down, I will go down with it.

The backstory

When I was a child, I would often sit in my wardrobe and call myself horrible names, and cry.

I would tell myself that I am nothing, I’m nobody, no one loves me, no one understands me, it would be better if I didn’t exist at all.

I’d bully myself like that.

And I’d believe myself, and cry.

Where did it come from, I was only a child and no one really bullied me in real life?

That’s when it began to manifest itself, and I started to split into pieces.

When I grew up, I was weirdly feeling well and happy with myself but only when I was on my own.

And I’d turn into a total complete chaos in a relationship.

It was so easy to lose myself, get dissolved in another person, in the interaction between us.

I felt as if my partners were my crutches, my armour, my door to the world.

Unfortunately, I found myself in a relationship shortly after leaving my parents’ nest.

And after I broke up with the first person, three months later, I was in another ship.

From one nest to another, and 14 years later, I’ve been single for 3 months of my adult life, which I spent crying over my first boyfriend.

I’ve been feeling as if I was in some kind of mental prison.

If you take away one thing from this whole post:

It’s not healthy to jump into a relationship unless you’ve already got a good understanding and sense of who you are.

Self-Love Academy

That prison is not material but it’s very real to me.

I remember sitting in the apartment and literally looking out of the window, as if it was a prison cell window.

I feel it physically. My mind is holding my spirit hostage, and I’ve been emotionally abused by my mind.

Kind of twisted, right?!

The manifestation

My mind doesn’t get along with my spirit, to say the least.

They are way too different. How my freedom-loving, deep and old spirit ended up in a body with such a rational, controlling and ruthless mind is beyond my understanding. You know there are so many artistic, eccentric people who are a bit out there and they’re not ashamed of themselves. But I am.

This has resulted in a physical illness.

My spirit has been suppressed for way too long, and it’s started to try and break free, causing pretty exhausting and debilitating symptoms in my digestion. Heartburn is my joy killer and my body’s way of telling me that it can’t stand conflict for years and years.

Only recently I finally realised with full conscience that I’ve been splitting, and I can no longer filter myself, no longer let my mind rule the house, but I also cannot give in to a different extreme of my spirit ruling and my mind suffering.

In real life, if you have an abusive partner who tries to prove his / her worth through bullying and suppressing you, you can just leave. I can’t leave my abusive partner because he is me.

I have to learn how to make my splitting parts love each other, and help each other, and forgive each other.

The solution

I don’t have one yet. I know what the end result should be: harmony. Forgiveness. Peace. Love.

I don’t quite understand how to get there, when so much has gone down between the two of me.

I will figure it out though because there is no other choice.

Therapy, hypnotherapy, energy healing, diet, exercise, living and trying to practice harmony, meditation, supplements, changes in lifestyle – I won’t shy away from anything because there is no other choice left for me. My body – the suffering child has had enough and deserves to live in happiness and love rather than conflict and tension.

P.S.

I hope that for some of you this has been helpful, or insightful.

You are your own love, your own hate, your own problem and your own solution.

You are not one whole entity until you learn to love and appreciate every part of your being.

Physical illness is not just a doctor’s issue, it’s your body’s way of trying to restore balance.

Listen to your body, and make changes to your mind and spirit.

With love,

Self-Love Academy

Negative thoughts are good

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Courtesy of: Chris Buckwald https://unsplash.com/@scorpkris

Courtesy of: Chris Buckwald https://unsplash.com/@scorpkris

If we received a penny every time we hear “stop being so negative!” or “start thinking positive!”, each and every one of us could use it as a decent source of passive income.

Every time I see a podcast from a lifehacker / mindset shifter / motivational speaker titled “change your thoughts, change your life”, I cringe just a little bit.

If it was really that easy to just start thinking different thoughts, we’d all be happy and p o s i t i v e (don’t you just negatively hate this word lol).

There is something better I’d like to offer you than wasting your time with all that “positive thinking” nonsense.

And it’s this:

The reason for negative thinking

“I honestly can’t stand my job, why does it have to be such a soul-crushing experience”

“Life is so uncertain, I can’t look into the future without fear”

“I’m so tired and stressed, my wife/husband annoys me and I just want to run away into the woods and live on my own for the rest of my days on this God forsaken planet”

Just a few examples of the kind of thoughts that might trouble us on the daily.

Like that Taylor Swift song, they keep playing over and over again.

So familiar that we hardly ever notice them but they low-key drive us mad like that Taylor Swift song.

What do we do in response?

We try to escape their company.

Say, you are on your own.

What do you do? Do you sit with your troubling, frustrating, disturbing inner chatter?

Hell no. You are on your phone / watching Netflix / talking to friends / pretending to read a book / listening to music – thank you, technology, for making it so easy for us to escape ourselves.

One swipe – and you are far away from “What am I doing with my life” or “I hate the place I live in”, or “Why do I feel so lonely”.

So easy to escape yet so hard to say goodbye.

And then you come across this “Your thoughts determine your reality” video on YouTube.

Damn you, negative thinking. How can I ever be a successful success with this kind of thoughts?!

One thing they never really teach you is this:

Negative thoughts are positive thoughts in distress.

Treat the cause, not the symptom

What do I mean by “positive thoughts in distress”?

I mean that your thoughts can get stressed out just like you.

They have a shadow side.

Thoughts are not autonomous

Thoughts are a product. And if we were all aware of this and knew what to do with this information, we’d be so much healthier.

Thoughts are symptoms. They don’t just appear out of thin air. There is an underlying issue in your subconscious, which communicates with you in the form of thoughts.

Feelings are not thoughts. You can’t think feelings. Feelings communicate with you through thoughts.

Feelings are the cause of your thoughts: good and bad.

You feel things before you think them.

So what?

“So what” is that negative thoughts aren’t the bad guys.

Negative feelings aren’t the bad guys.

Both are there for you, they are not against you.

It’s your body’s way to let you know that something is bothering you.

Only dummies can have 100% positive thoughts. Completely entirely unaware of themselves.

How do I let go of negative thoughts?

The best thing I’ve ever done for myself was sitting down on my couch in complete silence and just listening.

Tuning in. Whatever comes up will be your guide into your very own scary world of negativity.

You can talk to yourself in the same way you talk to others, the only difference being is the requirement to actually listen, not pretend that you are while anxiously waiting to respond or add your 5 cents of ingenuity. Otherwise you won’t hear yourself speak.

The thread of your self-discovery may go like this:

“I am annoyed with Laura at work =>

When I think of her, my stomach cramps and heart beats faster =>

What exactly makes me feel annoyed with her? =>

It feels as if she tries to get under my skin with her comments, she crosses my boundaries =>

What boundaries does she cross? =>

She makes me feel like I am not a trustworthy employee =>

Why is it important for me to be a trustworthy employee? =>

Because many times in the past people doubted my abilities =>

Why did people doubt my abilities? =>

Because I doubted them myself =>

Do I still doubt I’m doing a good job? =>

Yes, and it hurts that I try to do my best but people don’t notice =>

Why is it important that people notice me doing a good job? =>

Because I want them to know how good I am. Otherwise I don’t feel worthy enough as a person. =>

Who was the first person to make you feel that way? =>

My grandma. She used to say that I destroyed everything I touched because I often broke my expensive toys =>

You are worthy as it is, you don’t need to prove anyone anything. You are worthy just because you are who you are. This is just a given. Your grandma loves you and she always did. Her vision doesn’t define you.”

If you feel your heart race, your eyes get wet, you are on the right track. Let it out. Cry those tears.

Your negative thoughts are leaving you at this point.

Truthfully, I’ve just done this exercise with you. I do have a “Laura” at work who I feel crosses my boundaries.

My grandma really did tell me I was destructive when I was only 4-5 years old.

I am crying right now 🙂

Negativity heals

If you stop labelling it as negative and start labelling it as “my body wants to talk to me”.

Don’t ignore yourself.

You are your best friends and You needs You.

Sometimes it can be hard to do it all by yourself.

That’s why you might need a coach to help you with your struggles, to guide you through your darkness into your light.

You might need a hypnotherapist or a meditation – it’s totally up to you.

While I’m not qualified yet, I am learning to become a Self-Love coach.

Feel free to get in touch on lucy@selfloveacademy.co.uk to book a personal session with me.

No matter how you choose to heal, I really wish you healing.

Yours sincerely,

Self-Love Academy

Spiritual lessons from pilates

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Spiritual lessons from pilates. Photo credit: Helen Thomas unspash.com

What pilates has taught me:

Pilates is a trending exercise, much like yoga. You don’t need any special equipment, you can access it in pretty much every gym and it’s an easy one for beginners, majority of whom are female.

However, when you really get into it, it’s a whole philosophy. It’s not just a one-size-fits-all workout that you can mindlessly consume. You must switch on your brain. Which I find amusing, since with yoga – an alleged philosophy where everything is based on breath work and mindfulness – I use my brain a lot less than with pilates. I just don’t need as much concentration to downfard face dog.

Pilates doesn’t claim to be a spiritual teaching yet it is one. In actuality, when you search for the word pilates online and land on its Wikipedia page, it kind of roasts the exercise and claims that “it’s not proven to be of much use but it’s better than no exercise at all”. I’ve been doing pilates for the past few years (on and off, thanks to my lazy ass) and I can guarantee that pilates is much more than this.

At the centre of pilates are micro-movements of the micro-muscles. The kind of muscles we don’t know exist in our body. In most cases the only equipment required is a mat and your body. There are numerous variations of exercises, from yoga-like techniques like planks and warriors, to really strange movements like boomerang and scissors.

That’s what I love most about it: with each workout, you never know which muscles you’re going to use, which body parts are involved and how crazy the movements are going to be. It’s a complete surprise, and it always delivers on that aspect of it.

Another great feature of pilates workouts is the number of repetitions. It is ALWAYS enough to feel your muscles burning but just when you’re about to explode, start crying and give up, it stops and you move on to the next body part.

And this teaches me endurance. I know that this pain I’m feeling will go away in a second. And, more importantly, I learn to enjoy pain. Because I know that it has a wonderful quality of fizzling out. I know it will end. And I know that I will grow stronger as a result. Not immediately and not obviously stronger like with break-your-neck fitness and weightlifting but SUBTLY and pleasantly stronger.

This is it: subtle movements of the subtle muscles to grow subtly stronger over time compounding to an incredibly impactful result.

When I walk after a few months of regular pilates, I begin feeling less like a bag of potatoes and more like a ballet dancer. My posture is effortlessly straight and I almost bounce rather than drag myself along this weary planet. The ground feels more like a dancefloor haha.

Now when it comes to the spiritual angle of pilates, I am trying to see every personal challenge or discomfort as:

  1. Passing
  2. Fruitful

I try to squeeze every drop of pain from some minor discomforts or obstacles to feed my personal growth. Every bit of pain that we experience is not useless as long as we make a 🍹out of 🍋.

Life cannot be fruitful without pain. And instead of counting painful moments, rejecting and feeling annoyed by them, enjoy the small pains. Because it’s much harder to learn from big pains. So as long as you’re alive, healthy and so are your loved ones, the little pains are to be celebrated.

What do I mean by little pains? Conflicts with a boss, argument with a friend, student debt, lack of money, partner cheating, unrequited love, lack of friends, difficult relationships with a partner etc. – as long as it doesn’t affect your or your loved one’s mental or physical health in a serious way, it’s a passing pain, temporary discomfort – a teacher to subtly grow your subtle muscles for a big impact later down the line.

What can I learn from this pain? What is it teaching me?

I even tried to learn during my 3-weeks long covid 😂 It was actually pretty insightful, I learnt that I had a major addiction to my phone and I’m still trying to treat it haha.

Why is it harder to learn from big pains? Because in most cases it’s overwhelming, all-consuming and difficult to process – it’s one big chunk. It’s best to heal under supervision or with help of a professional or giving yourself plenty of time and accepting that it might never go away fully.

It’s kind of turned from discussing how much I love pilates to something a bit too deep and esoteric – but it’s me for you, I’m just like that.

Summary: learn from little pains and use them to feed your growth. And try pilates, especially Move with Nicole – she is a star, I can’t believe her lessons are free on YouTube.

Sending big love! Let me know your thoughts ❤️

Sincerely yours,
Self-love Academy