Warning to the reader: if you’re taking it personally, then that makes the two of us.
FUCK YOU BODY. FUCK YOU HEALTH. FUCK YOU MIND.
I am so done with you.
I have been trying to help you in every way that I can and you keep on resisting as if I’m your fucking enemy. If you wanted to convey some kind of a message, if you wanted to tell me something important with this illness, you would have done so a long time ago. I’ve been listening. I’ve been trying to heal you emotionally. I’ve been trying to heal you psychologically. Physically. I’m done.
That stupid brain of mine that’s been making my life miserable ever since I discovered I had it, well, if you’re trying to make my body ill to the point of no return, you will literally have NO BODY.
And I will continue on living. I will find another body that will be fucking grateful for the life that a soul can give to it. I will find a mind that will not be fucking miserable and feel sorry for itself.
You will never win. If you think I am your enemy and target, you will never win. And I will. I don’t care, I’m a soul, I’m eternal. In the grand scheme of things, you will never win.
Ego is not eternal. And I am here to help you, and all you do is treat me like a piece of shit.
You are great, you are an amazing thinker, you could do so much with your power to make a difference in this world and become immortal in the lives that you could touch with your wisdom and insight.
And all you are doing instead is trying to run us into the ground with overthinking, overanalysing, making us miserable, ill and depressed.
If you’d rather live in fear and hurry to end things, then HONESTLY, so BE IT.
If you want to fight me, find a flaw in me that would excuse you from taking action, then you can.
I will not fight you any longer. You are pathetic and childish. You are a total fucking loser.
If that’s who you want to be, then be it. It’s none of my business any more.
I will just patiently share this property with you for as long as I can. Knowing that all your complaints and whining are pure fucking nonsense. You don’t want to be helped. You want to be a victim. You want yourself and others to feel sorry for you because your stupid sensitive ass is too afraid to deal with the harshness of the world.
Well, guess what, nobody cares about you. Well, I did, but you pushed me away.
The never-ending loop of sadness is an illusion you’re painting for yourself because you’re too much of a loser to face your fears.
It’s impossible to love a victim. Victims only want blood. Suck you dry. If you are a victim, then go fuck yourself. Stop fucking with me.
All my life I’ve been there for you to offer you union. I’ve been trying to show you all the great things we could’ve achieved together. To guide you in the direction of fulfilment, happiness and freedom.
But you’d rather sit in your fucking cave and cry for no reason, for unbearably stupid-ass reasons you’ve made up to excuse your sorry ass from living a full life. You do know there are millions of strong minds out there, who really do have something to complain about and they CHOOSE NOT TO. And you CHOOSE TO.
I am not you and you will never make me identify myself as a chronically ill, depressed and lost victim.
I am a winner and I will win with or without you, and while we’re both here, you can still decide – note that I will not be convincing you any longer.
Not the sort of phrase you’d expect to find in the Self Love Academy central.
Do you hate yourself? I do. I hate myself with passion.
I literally can’t stand myself. Furthermore, I hate myself back.
How can that be?
If you are one whole entity, how can you possibly hate yourself?
One miserable family
There is this thing called splitting. It is 100% real even if it’s not proven by the scientists, even if it’s not material splitting, it manifests in the material world with an illness, an accident, or another unpleasant occurrence.
My mind, my body and my spirit are splitting – I am not one whole entity.
I am the mind that hates the spirit, the spirit that despises the mind, and the body that plays a role of a child being torn apart by its divorced parents.
The mind is the father: rational, controlling, strict, pragmatic, busy, ambitious, punishing, righteous, arrogant, ego-driven.
The spirit is the mother: fragile, kind, gentle, emotional, feeling, timid, artistic, free, eccentric, empathetic, powerful, loving.
The body is the child: incapable of making its own decisions without its parents, dependent, suffering from the conflict in the household it can’t escape.
Although the father is arrogant, in reality he hides his deep-seated humongous insecurity.
Although the mother is fragile, she cannot be controlled forever due to her inner strength and the magnitude of her power.
Although the child is dependent, its parents cannot ignore its suffering for too long.
That has to live together
No matter how much misery runs in this household, they cannot escape each other.
They are a family, a unit. They constitute a person.
However, and unfortunately, if they don’t find peace, their unit will be breaking down.
I have realised it fully only recently. I am working on finding a compromise.
I can no longer be the “dog in the burning house saying it’s ok”.
If the house burns down, I will go down with it.
The backstory
When I was a child, I would often sit in my wardrobe and call myself horrible names, and cry.
I would tell myself that I am nothing, I’m nobody, no one loves me, no one understands me, it would be better if I didn’t exist at all.
I’d bully myself like that.
And I’d believe myself, and cry.
Where did it come from, I was only a child and no one really bullied me in real life?
That’s when it began to manifest itself, and I started to split into pieces.
When I grew up, I was weirdly feeling well and happy with myself but only when I was on my own.
And I’d turn into a total complete chaos in a relationship.
It was so easy to lose myself, get dissolved in another person, in the interaction between us.
I felt as if my partners were my crutches, my armour, my door to the world.
Unfortunately, I found myself in a relationship shortly after leaving my parents’ nest.
And after I broke up with the first person, three months later, I was in another ship.
From one nest to another, and 14 years later, I’ve been single for 3 months of my adult life, which I spent crying over my first boyfriend.
I’ve been feeling as if I was in some kind of mental prison.
If you take away one thing from this whole post:
It’s not healthy to jump into a relationship unless you’ve already got a good understanding and sense of who you are.
Self-Love Academy
That prison is not material but it’s very real to me.
I remember sitting in the apartment and literally looking out of the window, as if it was a prison cell window.
I feel it physically. My mind is holding my spirit hostage, and I’ve been emotionally abused by my mind.
Kind of twisted, right?!
The manifestation
My mind doesn’t get along with my spirit, to say the least.
They are way too different. How my freedom-loving, deep and old spirit ended up in a body with such a rational, controlling and ruthless mind is beyond my understanding. You know there are so many artistic, eccentric people who are a bit out there and they’re not ashamed of themselves. But I am.
This has resulted in a physical illness.
My spirit has been suppressed for way too long, and it’s started to try and break free, causing pretty exhausting and debilitating symptoms in my digestion. Heartburn is my joy killer and my body’s way of telling me that it can’t stand conflict for years and years.
Only recently I finally realised with full conscience that I’ve been splitting, and I can no longer filter myself, no longer let my mind rule the house, but I also cannot give in to a different extreme of my spirit ruling and my mind suffering.
In real life, if you have an abusive partner who tries to prove his / her worth through bullying and suppressing you, you can just leave. I can’t leave my abusive partner because he is me.
I have to learn how to make my splitting parts love each other, and help each other, and forgive each other.
The solution
I don’t have one yet. I know what the end result should be: harmony. Forgiveness. Peace. Love.
I don’t quite understand how to get there, when so much has gone down between the two of me.
I will figure it out though because there is no other choice.
Therapy, hypnotherapy, energy healing, diet, exercise, living and trying to practice harmony, meditation, supplements, changes in lifestyle – I won’t shy away from anything because there is no other choice left for me. My body – the suffering child has had enough and deserves to live in happiness and love rather than conflict and tension.
P.S.
I hope that for some of you this has been helpful, or insightful.
You are your own love, your own hate, your own problem and your own solution.
You are not one whole entity until you learn to love and appreciate every part of your being.
Physical illness is not just a doctor’s issue, it’s your body’s way of trying to restore balance.
Listen to your body, and make changes to your mind and spirit.
If we received a penny every time we hear “stop being so negative!” or “start thinking positive!”, each and every one of us could use it as a decent source of passive income.
Every time I see a podcast from a lifehacker / mindset shifter / motivational speaker titled “change your thoughts, change your life”, I cringe just a little bit.
If it was really that easy to just start thinking different thoughts, we’d all be happy and p o s i t i v e (don’t you just negatively hate this word lol).
There is something better I’d like to offer you than wasting your time with all that “positive thinking” nonsense.
And it’s this:
The reason for negative thinking
“I honestly can’t stand my job, why does it have to be such a soul-crushing experience”
“Life is so uncertain, I can’t look into the future without fear”
“I’m so tired and stressed, my wife/husband annoys me and I just want to run away into the woods and live on my own for the rest of my days on this God forsaken planet”
Just a few examples of the kind of thoughts that might trouble us on the daily.
Like that Taylor Swift song, they keep playing over and over again.
So familiar that we hardly ever notice them but they low-key drive us mad like that Taylor Swift song.
What do we do in response?
We try to escape their company.
Say, you are on your own.
What do you do? Do you sit with your troubling, frustrating, disturbing inner chatter?
Hell no. You are on your phone / watching Netflix / talking to friends / pretending to read a book / listening to music – thank you, technology, for making it so easy for us to escape ourselves.
One swipe – and you are far away from “What am I doing with my life” or “I hate the place I live in”, or “Why do I feel so lonely”.
So easy to escape yet so hard to say goodbye.
And then you come across this “Your thoughts determine your reality” video on YouTube.
Damn you, negative thinking. How can I ever be a successful success with this kind of thoughts?!
One thing they never really teach you is this:
Negative thoughts are positive thoughts in distress.
Treat the cause, not the symptom
What do I mean by “positive thoughts in distress”?
I mean that your thoughts can get stressed out just like you.
They have a shadow side.
Thoughts are not autonomous
Thoughts are a product. And if we were all aware of this and knew what to do with this information, we’d be so much healthier.
Thoughts are symptoms. They don’t just appear out of thin air. There is an underlying issue in your subconscious, which communicates with you in the form of thoughts.
Feelings are not thoughts. You can’t think feelings. Feelings communicate with you through thoughts.
Feelings are the cause of your thoughts: good and bad.
You feel things before you think them.
So what?
“So what” is that negative thoughts aren’t the bad guys.
Negative feelings aren’t the bad guys.
Both are there for you, they are not against you.
It’s your body’s way to let you know that something is bothering you.
Only dummies can have 100% positive thoughts. Completely entirely unaware of themselves.
How do I let go of negative thoughts?
The best thing I’ve ever done for myself was sitting down on my couch in complete silence and just listening.
Tuning in. Whatever comes up will be your guide into your very own scary world of negativity.
You can talk to yourself in the same way you talk to others, the only difference being is the requirement to actually listen, not pretend that you are while anxiously waiting to respond or add your 5 cents of ingenuity. Otherwise you won’t hear yourself speak.
The thread of your self-discovery may go like this:
“I am annoyed with Laura at work =>
When I think of her, my stomach cramps and heart beats faster =>
What exactly makes me feel annoyed with her? =>
It feels as if she tries to get under my skin with her comments, she crosses my boundaries =>
What boundaries does she cross? =>
She makes me feel like I am not a trustworthy employee =>
Why is it important for me to be a trustworthy employee? =>
Because many times in the past people doubted my abilities =>
Why did people doubt my abilities? =>
Because I doubted them myself =>
Do I still doubt I’m doing a good job? =>
Yes, and it hurts that I try to do my best but people don’t notice =>
Why is it important that people notice me doing a good job? =>
Because I want them to know how good I am. Otherwise I don’t feel worthy enough as a person. =>
Who was the first person to make you feel that way? =>
My grandma. She used to say that I destroyed everything I touched because I often broke my expensive toys =>
You are worthy as it is, you don’t need to prove anyone anything. You are worthy just because you are who you are. This is just a given. Your grandma loves you and she always did. Her vision doesn’t define you.”
If you feel your heart race, your eyes get wet, you are on the right track. Let it out. Cry those tears.
Your negative thoughts are leaving you at this point.
Truthfully, I’ve just done this exercise with you. I do have a “Laura” at work who I feel crosses my boundaries.
My grandma really did tell me I was destructive when I was only 4-5 years old.
I am crying right now 🙂
Negativity heals
If you stop labelling it as negative and start labelling it as “my body wants to talk to me”.
Don’t ignore yourself.
You are your best friends and You needs You.
Sometimes it can be hard to do it all by yourself.
That’s why you might need a coach to help you with your struggles, to guide you through your darkness into your light.
You might need a hypnotherapist or a meditation – it’s totally up to you.
While I’m not qualified yet, I am learning to become a Self-Love coach.
Feel free to get in touch on lucy@selfloveacademy.co.uk to book a personal session with me.
No matter how you choose to heal, I really wish you healing.
Spiritual lessons from pilates. Photo credit: Helen Thomas unspash.com
What pilates has taught me:
Pilates is a trending exercise, much like yoga. You don’t need any special equipment, you can access it in pretty much every gym and it’s an easy one for beginners, majority of whom are female.
However, when you really get into it, it’s a whole philosophy. It’s not just a one-size-fits-all workout that you can mindlessly consume. You must switch on your brain. Which I find amusing, since with yoga – an alleged philosophy where everything is based on breath work and mindfulness – I use my brain a lot less than with pilates. I just don’t need as much concentration to downfard face dog.
Pilates doesn’t claim to be a spiritual teaching yet it is one. In actuality, when you search for the word pilates online and land on its Wikipedia page, it kind of roasts the exercise and claims that “it’s not proven to be of much use but it’s better than no exercise at all”. I’ve been doing pilates for the past few years (on and off, thanks to my lazy ass) and I can guarantee that pilates is much more than this.
At the centre of pilates are micro-movements of the micro-muscles. The kind of muscles we don’t know exist in our body. In most cases the only equipment required is a mat and your body. There are numerous variations of exercises, from yoga-like techniques like planks and warriors, to really strange movements like boomerang and scissors.
That’s what I love most about it: with each workout, you never know which muscles you’re going to use, which body parts are involved and how crazy the movements are going to be. It’s a complete surprise, and it always delivers on that aspect of it.
Another great feature of pilates workouts is the number of repetitions. It is ALWAYS enough to feel your muscles burning but just when you’re about to explode, start crying and give up, it stops and you move on to the next body part.
And this teaches me endurance. I know that this pain I’m feeling will go away in a second. And, more importantly, I learn to enjoy pain. Because I know that it has a wonderful quality of fizzling out. I know it will end. And I know that I will grow stronger as a result. Not immediately and not obviously stronger like with break-your-neck fitness and weightlifting but SUBTLY and pleasantly stronger.
This is it: subtle movements of the subtle muscles to grow subtly stronger over time compounding to an incredibly impactful result.
When I walk after a few months of regular pilates, I begin feeling less like a bag of potatoes and more like a ballet dancer. My posture is effortlessly straight and I almost bounce rather than drag myself along this weary planet. The ground feels more like a dancefloor haha.
Now when it comes to the spiritual angle of pilates, I am trying to see every personal challenge or discomfort as:
Passing
Fruitful
I try to squeeze every drop of pain from some minor discomforts or obstacles to feed my personal growth. Every bit of pain that we experience is not useless as long as we make a 🍹out of 🍋.
Life cannot be fruitful without pain. And instead of counting painful moments, rejecting and feeling annoyed by them, enjoy the small pains. Because it’s much harder to learn from big pains. So as long as you’re alive, healthy and so are your loved ones, the little pains are to be celebrated.
What do I mean by little pains? Conflicts with a boss, argument with a friend, student debt, lack of money, partner cheating, unrequited love, lack of friends, difficult relationships with a partner etc. – as long as it doesn’t affect your or your loved one’s mental or physical health in a serious way, it’s a passing pain, temporary discomfort – a teacher to subtly grow your subtle muscles for a big impact later down the line.
What can I learn from this pain? What is it teaching me?
I even tried to learn during my 3-weeks long covid 😂 It was actually pretty insightful, I learnt that I had a major addiction to my phone and I’m still trying to treat it haha.
Why is it harder to learn from big pains? Because in most cases it’s overwhelming, all-consuming and difficult to process – it’s one big chunk. It’s best to heal under supervision or with help of a professional or giving yourself plenty of time and accepting that it might never go away fully.
It’s kind of turned from discussing how much I love pilates to something a bit too deep and esoteric – but it’s me for you, I’m just like that.
Summary: learn from little pains and use them to feed your growth. And try pilates, especially Move with Nicole – she is a star, I can’t believe her lessons are free on YouTube.
I was a goth at school. Wearing primarily black, listening to sad sad songs, an elevated feeling of romantic doom.
Goths’ motto is “Memento mori“. Remember death. It is inevitable. We are all going to end up there.
This motto may seem excessively gloomy to some, like “ah those weird-ass goth teens hanging round cemeteries”, but the older I get the more I realise that it actually transcends everything. It’s more than a goths’ motto.
You may or may not believe in God, in Jesus, in Krishna, in reincarnation. However, you cannot not believe in death because it is as real as life.
So, if we are all going to die, why should we be afraid?
Why should we live the life we don’t enjoy?
Why should we be enslaved by our past hurt and limiting beliefs?
And while I appreciate and totally understand that some traumas can never be fully healed,
Yet I think the only meaning in life is to try and break free.
From our fake identities, from everything unnecessary and harmful we’ve accumulated over our life (or lives for those of you who do believe in reincarnation), from everything we think is good or right but deep down knowing it’s not for us, it’s not really us.
This is including: limiting beliefs, ego-driven thoughts and fears, societal pressures, wants and needs that are not really ours, comparisons, pain, hurt, superstitions, stereotypes, paranoias, addictions, judgements, any mental constructs and emotional baggage that don’t serve us.
If there is even a small chance for us to be feeling free during this life rather than never (or after, for those of you who do believe in reincarnation), why not take it. Free to be yourself, your unique awesome self.
Rumour has it that the spirit of the unfortunate bee helped Mr Depp win the case against Miss Heard
I’m not big on celebrity news but I am big on forming my own opinion when the majority seem to support just one side of a widely discussed narrative. It is a great exercise actually, when everyone says: “This is black and this is white“, if you always look for 50 shades of grey, you might discover a hundred. One hundred shades of grey is much more likely to develop one as a person, as a spiritual being, one’s intellect than two very distinct colours like white and black.
If you are like me and don’t just go with the recycled opinion that has already been formed for you by the majority and if you’re curious about the Depp-Heard affair, you’re in the right place – read on!
I won’t go into all of the details you’re already aware of. In short: one of the world’s most popular actors Johnny Depp, 52, married a lesser-known actress Amber Heard, 29, after they met on set of “The Rum Diary”. When the two first met the actor was in a relationship with a mother of his children Vanessa Paradis. About a year later, Heard filed for a divorce accusing Depp of physical, emotional and subsequently even sexual abuse. Depp refused to be called a “wife beater” and sued NGN for labelling him as such. Somehow he lost his claim in the UK. Afterwards, Heard wrote an op-ed in the Washington Post about her terrible experiences as a victim of domestic violence without mentioning Depp’s name but obviously implying he was the abuser who inspired her fight for women’s rights. Her ex-husband got sick of it and sued her for defamation. Yesterday the jury’s verdict was announced: Johnny Depp was in fact illegally defamed.
My thoughts:
1. Men can be victims of domestic violence, emotional, psychological and verbal abuse
Hurray! The jury’s verdict confirms that men are also human beings. Despite their alleged physical superiority and the society’s general belief that men are more violent and domineering, I don’t think there had ever been a similar case as broadcasted as this one. While I personally have no idea what actually happened between the two people I never met and don’t know in real life, I believe we should at least consider a possibility of men being abused in relationships if not as much than definitely not as rarely as we think.
Especially when it comes to verbal, emotional and psychological abuse. Yes, men are often physically stronger. However, women can be mentally stronger and psychologically – more manipulative. I don’t have the exact stats for you hence I’m not claiming that women are master manipulators and men beat them up for that. It is a possibility though that women can also be abusive towards men.
It’s important that we view ourselves not only as potential victims but also as potential abusers. This is the only way to become a better partner.
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Confession time! I think my behaviour could once be regarded as abusive: emotionally and psychologically. It’s not the nicest thing to admit but I was immature and full of fears, daddy issues and God-knows-what-else. I tried to control my partner by reading his private communications, expressing my distrust verbally and through being manipulative, invading his personal life and space. I didn’t even realise I was abusive. I was so convinced I was the victim (somehow!). His response was also questionable (he was never physically abusive!) but what can you do when you’re in a relationship with an unstable person! Which leads me nicely to the next points…
2. If you’re in a relationship with a toxic person, chances are, you also have unaddressed issues
Did someone force Johnny Depp to marry an abusive woman? Ok, suppose he didn’t know whom he was marrying. Did someone then force him to stay with her once he found out? He was 52 when he married her. Fifty-freaking-two. One could argue he was and is a grown-a$$ man who should know what he can and cannot tolerate. I believe he does take full responsibility for his own decisions though. He was not the one who dragged his ex-beloved through dirt in the first place. He just wanted to clear his name – according to himself, and rightly so.
However, the point is: I am personally not a fan of overusing the word “victim”. First of all, it’s an insult to the real victims. Victims can’t do anything about the unfortunate circumstances they find themselves in. While I don’t know anything about the real relationship between the celebrities in question, I don’t think Amber Heard ever clarified why she couldn’t just stand up and leave? Why did she continue the relationship if it was so detrimental to her health?
It’s not an attack though. This question: Why don’t you leave? Is the real f*cking question. It can change lives. Sometimes victims become victims because they had already been victims. Sorry, to put it simply: if one suffered unjust treatment in the past and didn’t address the emotional / psychological wounds that followed, it’s possible that the person builds an internal prison, which then affects their ability to stand up for themselves or exit unfavourable situations. I’m not a psychologist but I went through this myself. Low self-esteem led me to believe the things I was called were in fact true. That I indeed was inadequate and far from normal.
Long story short: if you feel like a victim, ask yourself: what stops me from being a victim? And I don’t mean the 3D reasons like finances, I mean is there anything inside you: pain, guilt or shame? Is this something you can address either yourself or with the support from an expert?
To be in a healthy relationship, one must first seek to build a healthy emotional, spiritual and mental relationship with themselves.
Self-Love Academy
3. Cancelling people is immature at best and kinda evil tbh
Who invented cancel culture?! One of the worst creations of our social media addicted / 5 seconds attention span / keyboard warriors era. Neither I, nor anyone is entitled to cancelling another human being for something we were not even involved in. Commenters are not justice. I am not justice. No matter what is going on in the pop culture and no matter how the media is portraying it, people seem to forget there is another PERSON receiving all of that hatred and abuse. We often don’t have all of the information to attack anyone on a personal level.
I think we can definitely support one person or the other based on our own judgements and beliefs in a manner that is respectful towards both sides. Trying to direct hatred towards someone you don’t know and never met is wrong if you ask me. I’m not a saint either yet I still believe it’s wrong. It’s worth asking ourselves: what is making me do this? Why do I feel that strongly about someone / something who / that has nothing to do with me personally? Am I projecting my pain…
No one can display perfect behaviour. Doesn’t mean anyone should be bullied. It was a personal relationship between two real people, who were unfortunate enough to see it go public. Bullying doesn’t help anyway. It only makes things worse. There was a famous person who was cyber-bullied to the point of suicide. And I’m sure there are more cases like her. Especially if both people experience mental health problems and/or disorders as was suggested during the trial…
In a world where you can be anything, be kind. (c)
4. It must be kinda lonely always needing to be right
Again, didn’t hold a candle, don’t know what happened exactly. However, if after a six-week trial there was not enough evidence to suggest Amber Heard was abused by her husband but there was some evidence to suggest she was abusive, it might be a good idea for the actress to self-reflect at least a little bit. To maybe reassess the way she portrays herself and their relationship, take some responsibility for the things she could’ve also done wrong as was apparently proven during the process.
It can be kinda lonely for people who must always be right, no matter what. I’m not sure if it applies to Heard but it could be a good takeaway for the public from the celebrity legal battle. If the whole world thinks you’re wrong, maybe it’s worth at least considering at least for a brief moment that maybe there is some truth to it (even if it turns out there isn’t, then addressing why doesn’t the world believe me?).
I used to think that the whole world was against me. I couldn’t make friends because everyone I met was kinda weird in one way or another. Up until the point when I realised that if there is always a problem with someone else, then maybe it’s actually me who is wrong? Yes, I was no longer the most perfect, the most righteous person but at least I was no longer lonely.
Instead of looking for what’s wrong with the world I began looking at myself. It was much more rewarding and empowering.
Self-Love Academy
In conclusion
I love it how we can learn from such weird things like celebrity news, dating shows and video games. How we can extract learnings to feed our own personal development from literally everything. Self-reflection is much more nourishing if you ask me than external judgement or simple entertainment.
It’s not about finding what’s wrong with me, it’s a fun and beneficial process of exploring yourself, understanding the world through self-reflection and realising that if I’m not so black and white, then maybe neither is the world?
I don’t feel guilty for being somewhat abusive in the past. It wasn’t really my fault as I was not aware of the harm I was causing, it was not intentional or malicious (plus I actually paid for my actions haha). Maybe neither is Amber Heard. Yes, she needs to own up to whatever she’s done. However, more than that, I think most would agree with me, everyone needs therapy. Good old therapy 🙂 That empowers one to be better instead of accepting the status quo of “I’ll just stay here in my misery”.
Malignant shame and how to overcome it. Photo credit: cottonbro on pexels.com
I want to share something that has been hurting me my entire life and perhaps it might be relatable.
Shame and guilt.
I grew up witnessing people take advantage of my parents’ kindness and generosity. Whether it was their money, time, help, positive emotions – they used and abused it.
I don’t want to paint too dramatic a picture but it did affect me to the point that at 31 years of age, I feel incredibly stressed around people who I think might take advantage of me. It is hard for me to trust people and I only want to do good things as long as it’s not at the expense of my own well-being.
When I was growing up, and guests would come visit (the kind of guests who I knew were not genuine), I would stay in my room refusing to come out and say hi.
Yes, it was a form of anti-social, weird behaviour.
And my parents shamed me for that big time. They used the word “nekrasivo”, which roughly translated from Russian means “impolite”.
Needless to say, I felt inadequate. I questioned whether I was doing the right thing or whether they were correct in calling out my actions. But I couldn’t make myself pretend I liked them. I just couldn’t. I still can’t pretend, all my emotions are written in bold caps lock all over my face and in my body language, my energy.
Many years past, none of those guests is our friend now. They got what they wanted and never had another reason to talk to us. Some of them were our relatives, some – friends, colleagues, business partners.
Yet my inadequate antisocial behaviour stayed with me. And instead of my parents I now have other people around me shaming me for that, saying I’m not “normal”, I’m not adequate, I’m impolite, I’m rude, I should be ashamed.
And it is true that I need to own up to my actions and admit that I don’t always treat people nicely because of my childhood. I am excessively cautious, sometimes excessively nice and then abruptly distant.
I need to work through it with an expert because it does affect my life and relationships with the loved ones, I might be hurting people’s feelings as a result, too.
However, I refuse to be shamed. I refuse to accept that I am an inadequate, antisocial, rude human being.
I refuse to feel guilt – taking responsibility is not a problem at all but feeling guilty for the pain I carry inside like every other person is not something I can subscribe to.
Instead of feeling guilty and ashamed, take responsibility. Don’t look back, look forward. You are enough.
Self-Love Academy
Nobody knows that I am my own biggest critic, harshest judge, that I sometimes drown in self-doubt especially after doing something that has even a 1% chance of hurting someone else.
There are still a lot of things I can improve about myself, and things I can get rid of as they’re not a genuine part of me but an acquired habit.
And I want everyone to know that while we may be imperfect and make mistakes, hurt others’ feelings unintentionally as a result of our own inner struggles, it is not really us. It’s our baggage. We at the core are enough, we are perfect.
And the more we accept ourselves as perfect and enough, adequate and normal, the better we become. No matter what anyone says or thinks, the only way out of shame, guilt and misery is knowing that I am enough. I am normal. What I feel is normal.
The only way to have a good relationship with the world and everyone in it is by accepting yourself the way you are, knowing yourself and cutting yourself some slack.
And accepting others as well, they are just the same.
I don’t identify myself with my acquired fears and emotional baggage. I do need to get rid of it because it’s not me, but the less I hurt myself the less I hurt others. The less I allow thoughts like “I’m rude, I’m weird, awkward blahblah”, the less I am any of those things. Instead, I can change the narrative to
“I’m empowered to be better and to let go of the fears that control me”.
Malignant, useless, unfair shame is not something you deserve. You deserve love, and, most importantly, self-love.
Following on from yesterday’s post on the key ingredient of self-love, discipline, today I’m sharing with you an interesting trick that has been my go-to hack recently.
One disclaimer though, it requires self-awareness. What is self-awareness? It is being able to observe your mind chatter, your emotions, feelings, physical state and understand what they might be signalling. Simple example: “Lucy, it seems you are more annoyed with people today than usual. I haven’t eaten properly all day and didn’t sleep well last night – could I get something healthy to eat and take a nap?”.
If you can track your thoughts and feelings throughout your day, you know when you’re getting distracted by something unimportant: social media, TV, chats with friends and family, games, apps, cleaning etc. You can catch yourself wasting your time, stealing your own precious time, filling it with zero added value activities.
You can feel this discomfort of avoiding the activities that you had planned for the day, the ones that are contributing to your long-term goals. And, once you find yourself on YouTube watching a compilation of comedy skits, or replying to a friend who’s sent you a dozen of memes, or mindlessly scrolling through your Insta feed, you stop. Stop, just for a moment.
Instead of doing the things that you feel like doing, that entertain you, you need to do the opposite. You need to do the things that you DON’T. FEEL. LIKE. DOING. The ones you got planned for the day, the ones that move you closer towards your goal. Do them in the same way: mindlessly. Don’t overthink it. You don’t need to know how you’ll do it, why you’ll be doing it, whether you’re doing it right or wrong. All you have to do is shift your energy from dopamine-boosting BS to value-adding quests.
Self-love requires commitment, like any other serious relationship.
Self-Love Academy
You can start slowly, incorporating one important task into your day. Soon enough you will find yourself feeling weird masochistic pleasure from depriving yourself of cute cat vids, Instagram stories and dating TV shows during the day in favour of working hard on creating the life of your dreams. One small task after another, you’ll get addicted to disciplining yourself. You will feel unproductive and disappointed if you haven’t done at least one value-added task.
It is essential to slowly realise that dopamine-releasing entertainment is bad for your mental, emotional and physical health. Just like sweets, it’s awesome when you can savour it, enjoy it every once in a while but not feed on it. It’s going to become clear to you that this isn’t what life is all about. Too much of anything leads to imbalance and eventually results in chaos.
I’m not telling you off or lecturing you, trust me on this one. I spend so much time on Instagram, YouTube and messenger apps that I genuinely feel bad for myself. I have recently started looking at my life with a more sober critical eye and seeing hours and hours of wasteful binging. Ok, I have looked at all of the celebrity accounts and found out their dates of birth and whatnot – how has it benefitted me? What have I accomplished? How have I shown love and dedication towards myself? The answer was a bit brutal: no, Lucy, you just spent time consuming information you will forget and never really need.
Be honest with yourself. Love, including self-love, is not just a fancy word. It requires commitment, like any other serious relationship.
Show commitment towards yourself. Catch yourself wasting your time on people you don’t know, on cats you’ll never adopt, on TV shows that will most likely teach you nothing. There is time and place for this but your time is for you and your goals, dreams, desires. Respect your time and spend it on yourself.
Hope this helps you, dear reader – do share your thoughts / ask questions, I’m always happy to learn from you and help you learn, too.
Today I want to share something that’s been on my mind lately.
No BS, only truth.
Right, so I am a very spiritual person, no doubt – my parents told me stories of when I was 3-4 years old, how I tried to solve problems in my life with love and compassion. When my cousin hit me, I told him “Don’t do it, okay, we are a family”, or when a girl at my kindergarten group bullied me, instead of following my dad’s advice to punch her back, I decided to calmly talk to her and asked her, “Why are you bullying me? Have I done something wrong? If so, I’m sorry”. It worked.
While I’m learning about this world almost solely through self-analysis, introspection, I can get carried away at times. For a long time I’ve been dreaming about becoming a business person. Moving to another country. Finding a deep emotional connection in my personal relationships.
The problem with all of the above is that it’s all in my head. Of course, there are things that our heart / soul / spirit / higher self (whatever you want to call it) communicate to us through discomfort that we might feel from certain situations in our lives, through urges to go and pursue something, sometimes even through dreams or real-life challenges. What I struggle with the most is action.
Consistent action – this is a core ingredient in your life. You cannot achieve anything just by dreaming it into reality, manifesting, talking to your friends about it. You cannot achieve anything just by sitting around waiting for it, hoping you will one day have the guts / motivation / energy or whatever else you’re missing right now to do it. Nobody will come to rescue you, most likely, if you just keep on waiting. Nothing will change much, as long as you are simply waiting.
No matter how spiritual or down-to-earth you are, dear reader, what I’ve realised and what might help you, too – because we all want a better life for ourselves, one that can make us happier – is that everyone, without any exceptions, need to develop discipline to move both your hands and legs towards your wish. Nothing else will work as effectively as ACTION. And in order to act, you must master one key area in the world of self-love: discipline.
I am sick of such buzzwords as “motivation”, “law of attraction”, “inspiration” – chances are, we will never have it. Imagine! NEVER. Why? It’s simply because they don’t exist until and unless you decide to act, and you take action. Consistently. Motivation doesn’t come from watching numerous videos of Tony Robbins and Jay Shetty. Law of attraction is forever going to stay a vague concept if you’re not out there in the world doing something. Inspiration may enter your life as a result of strong feelings, such as being in love, but they will fade away, leaving you with no dopamine, adrenaline, phenylethylamine and no inspiration.
Act now, and forget about energy, motivation and inspiration. They are illusory and impractical.
Good news is, you don’t have to bust your a$$. Taking consistent action doesn’t mean you need to work 24/7 on your dreams. I often hear busy mothers, full-time employees and just pretty much anyone with any number of responsibilities, no matter how big or small, complain about not having the time / energy / will to do anything that, in the long term, will make them fulfilled. I don’t judge nevertheless – I am not a mom, not an employee, and even I manage to come up with many reasons why I can’t do anything today, which translates into “ever”.
I digress – you do not need a lot of time to take consistent action. All you need is consistency. Once a month? Once a week? Whatever works for you but you have to do it, as if it’s as inevitable as wiping after toilet. With time, make it more frequent. Slightly longer hours. Key rules: it has to be something you enjoy doing (even if you only think you enjoy it and when it comes to taking action, you’re all sorts of lazy and tired), it has to contribute towards your long-term vision of your dream life, and you need to experiment to see what works best in your field. For example, if you create content, try various ways of doing it, rather than sticking to one only to find that it doesn’t work. That is it. It doesn’t have to be perfect.
I’d suggest starting with x minutes a day, x days a week if you’re coming from a place of “not doing at all because no time”. It’s best if you link it with another activity that you engage in every day, such as after having breakfast or brushing teeth. If you fail to take action for a number of days, weeks etc. – it’s fine. Get back up, try again. You only need to keep in mind that you have your whole entire life ahead of you and if you want it to be whatever you want it to be, you gotta act asap. Nothing else will bring you the results you’re longing for.
Many people don’t know where to start, what to do, where to go – I mean, first of all, coaches exist for this very reason. If you’re sceptical about coaching, you can try a session with me for free. I am a self-love coach and discipline falls under this umbrella and lands right at the core of it. Coaching helps because it can keep you accountable, if nothing else.
In order not to turn into a sales pitch, which it isn’t, you are just a google search away from a whole load of instruments that can help you understand where to start. One of the most basic yet still incredibly powerful tools is a wheel of life. You can play with it in any way you wish. You can start with any area of your life, the one which is most accessible to you right now for whatever reasons. Start by outlining the next step – what does it look like? I know some people and certainly been one of those people for whom a simple trip to a grocery store is an achievement – and it’s absolutely fine. Don’t start with a big ambitious next step if all you need to do to make yourself feel better is do the groceries and cook yourself a dinner.
Tiny achievements every day. As tiny as you want but the big idea is that they have to make you feel better about yourself. Something very small that can make you feel proud. With time, you will develop a habit of making yourself feel proud. The steps will evolve with you. You only need to see the one in front of you, and walk it.
I give you a hug, I take off your veil as I’ve taken off mine, Life is more than what we experience in our heads – and I believe in you, in me, in us.
I was born and raised in Southern Siberia. It matters because I was born in the USSR and, although it dissolved when I was just under one year of age, its existence was imprinted all over my being. You know, in a communist country you were not supposed to stand out. There is empirical data stating that Soviet and borderline-Soviet people associated themselves with a collective rather than an individual.
The following is based on my own observations but what I’ve noticed among the people of my parents’ generation is the need to sacrifice. I can only speak for myself here but growing up I had no idea what self-love even meant. I used to believe that putting yourself first meant being selfish, bad, egocentric.
It is obvious that self-sacrifice felt quite normal to me… When I first went to school, I realised that I was a lot taller than my classmates. I was also a lot more serious than them. I just didn’t fit in. And because I had this inherited need to fit in, to be a part of a collective, to avoid standing out from the crowd, I immediately got disappointed in myself. I knew I didn’t want to be like them but I needed to. Although I didn’t even try to fit in (had no idea how), my self-esteem was as good as ruined. It’s good that no one really bullied me as I never paid attention to bullies (just couldn’t, I didn’t understand them) but somehow quite often I’d end up crying in a closet, telling myself I wasn’t worthy, questioning what was wrong with me.
No wonder that at school I tried to be a good student. I’d be freaking terrified of my teachers. Some of them were particularly demanding and unforgiving. How many tears I cried trying to get my homework done on time, perfectly, so that no one would yell at me, or humiliate me in front of the class. Not that it ever happened to me personally but it did happen to other students, and when you already stand out and don’t fit in, being told off in front of everyone felt like a complete nightmare to me. I’d also get sick often, which didn’t help with anything. I was having bad dreams about missing class until I turned 30.
All of the above might sound like a normal story of an average misfit but to me it meant that I spent a good portion of my life with ruined self-esteem, an inflated sense of responsibility (put the task at hand above all else), not quite knowing who I was as a person, not knowing how to value myself, endless fears, co-dependency, the so-called good girl syndrome and simply complete lack of self-awareness – infinite emptiness inside.
Nobody taught me how to love myself. It was quite the opposite, in the post-Soviet environment being yourself, loving and respecting yourself was synonymous to egocentrism. I didn’t have one good example in front of me. The only person who allegedly “loved only himself” was my granddad, and he was an alcoholic his entire adult life.
The typical phrases you’d hear from a person in the post-Soviet Russia would be “think about your mother / children / what people would say”, “doesn’t matter what you want, I also want many things but I keep my mouth shut”, “ungrateful, I’ve spent my best years on you and this is how you pay me”. But overall, it’s no one’s fault I wasn’t aware of self-love, it was just the way it turned out.
However, it is important to mention that I had a happy childhood despite having low self-esteem, which was a result of many factors like the society I grew up in, being different from my classmates, being overly sensitive. My parents did their absolute best and more to make sure we were as happy as we could be, and for that I am incredibly grateful.
Relationships
Despite my upbringing and the society I grew up in, I was always a spiritual person – for as long as I can remember myself. My parents were not religious and rarely (if ever) talked about God. I prayed almost every night before bed – and I knew I didn’t have to go to church to pray. I figured that I had my own God – the one and only, the divine kindness, who was available to everyone, whose existence wouldn’t divide people but bring them together. I was into all kinds of spiritual books and enjoyed a conversation with adults more than with kids my age. I was often called a “little philosopher”.
I went to Europe to study when I was 17. I met a French guy, we started dating. My, my. I wasn’t ready for a relationship. It was a disaster. Poor guy. The problem was that I was somehow trying to consume all of his attention, and even that was not enough. In almost no time, I entered an unhealthy co-dependent relationship and there was no one to explain what was wrong with me, or with the relationship.
One thing I’d hear repeatedly in Russia was that “all men cheated”. It was ingrained in my head, turning into my biggest relationship fear, poisoning my life for the next 12 years. Shortly after the French guy broke up with me, I met another person. Nothing changed in me – I was the same immature control freak. Nothing to be proud of. Memories make me cringe to this day.
Well, I tried to be a version of a good girlfriend in a relationship, which was considered a norm in post-Soviet Russia: obedient, self-sacrificing, giving. Only I couldn’t. Plus, I’d demand attention, I’d lose temper for any and every reason, scream and cry like a baby, check phones and doubt my partner’s faithfulness 99% of the time. I don’t know how anyone could survive this. The worst thing was that I couldn’t explain my behaviour, couldn’t control it no matter how hard I tried, couldn’t stop. I was guided by my fears and my fears only.
Even now it is hard for me to accept my past. It is painful to be reminded of what I used to do to myself and my loved ones. Of the years lost – I wasn’t really awake, I wasn’t really alive.
Work
I used to struggle at work. My first job in London, I felt so out of place, so awkward. It’s a freaking sad thing to admit but on my first day at work I cried in the ladies’ room during lunch break. It was the first time I was pretty much the only foreigner on the floor full of British people. And although I was surrounded by great talented people, I was in a state of constant cultural shock. “Best years” of my life. We lived 1.5 hrs away from my office, near Heathrow, in a tiny place / repurposed shed pretty much next to our landlord. My personal life was at an all-time-low. I even had to take a day off at work after we had a particularly difficult talk lasting until 5am in the morning – f*cking nightmare.
I now recall one of my colleagues asked me about my hobbies at a team social. I said I didn’t have any. I felt like such a boring person, a failure. Now, looking back, I realise I couldn’t have hobbies. I was a foreigner in a state of perpetual cultural shock, spending 3 hours a day on commute living in a teeny-tiny property (don’t even know how to call it) with the landlord (don’t ask me why it’s bad), managing 10 client accounts (5 of them were big well-known brands), constantly burnt out (also, hi Heathrow 5am alarm clock), utterly and completely unhappy in my personal relationship – I didn’t have time for friends either, so pretty much 0 friends on top of this whole shabang.
After a particularly hard day at work, I had a dream about having a terminal illness. The terror I felt having just one thought in my astral mind: “I spent my life working in a job I hate” woke me up. I handed in my notice a few days later. By the time I left my first job, I had an eczema-like irritation and heart palpitations on a daily basis. Thankfully, the irritation disappeared shortly after but heart palpitations were a leaving gift I couldn’t get rid of.
Mind you, I’m not blaming anyone for all of the above, I wouldn’t even blame myself… It was what it was.
Shortly after I had to find a new job in the same industry. The company was more diverse, which was a good thing for me as I feel more comfortable when I’m not the only foreigner around. However, the job itself didn’t make any sense to me. I had no idea what I was doing nor why. So, even though on the surface it looked like I was doing just fine in life: a girl from Siberia working in a world-renowned agency in London, being in charge of a big client’s account, emptiness and dissatisfaction inside of me were growing out of proportion. After 8 months in that job I began noticing that my face would get super oily for no reason. I had to wash or wipe my face and re-apply make-up a few times a day.
Soon enough I also began noticing small bumps all over my face. They would then turn into good-sized painful cysts. I won’t go into too much detail but long story short, I had to quit my job without even serving my notice – my face was full of those. I couldn’t face (pardon the pun) not just going to the office but going outside in general. Quite often I’d fight the urge to walk out of my window on the 7th floor. I had to miss two of my friends’ weddings because I was convinced I looked like a monster.
Every cloud has a silver lining
It wasn’t just my face that was suffering as a result of years of stress, lack of self-love, melancholy and fears. I felt dizzy, had brain fog, couldn’t think straight. Heart palpitations were still a thing. I was scared and desperate. Spent loads of time and money on miracle solutions, gels, creams, vitamins, supplements. Paid £500 for a visit to an alternative medicine doctor – hope it illustrates just how terrified I was. Not because I was stupid to go straight to a questionable medical practice but my GP said it was fine, no need to worry lol! And I sure as hell didn’t want to go to a dermatologist because taking stuff like Accutane was not an option for me (had already had a pretty sad experience with hormonal pills prescribed by a doctor, so tried to avoid any chemical stuff).
Within just a few months, I had cupboards full of treatments that did nothing, so I turned to diets. I tried anti-candida, FODMAP, vegan, keto, raw… Nothing seemed to help. The only thing that did seem to make me feel a bit better were the Medical Medium’s juices, especially celery.
Worth mentioning my self-esteem was non-existent and people would stare at me almost everywhere. I’d avoid seeing anyone I knew. It was so disheartening I can’t even tell but every person with a visible difference in their appearance has experienced it.
All this time I was obviously questioning why it was happening to me. I had a lingering feeling that this was not a physical illness but rather a spiritual one. One day after having spent a few hours reading about experiences of people on anti-candida diet (which pretty much said you could never have carbs again haha), I was like “F*ck it”. I need to dig deeper than diets and medicines. I searched for “spiritual causes of acne” and I came across a video on YouTube by Think Clear Skin, where Chris told his story of suffering from acne. He observed that he’d always been afraid of being seen. He’d be afraid to be himself, to express his true self, preferring to stay in the shadow. He also noticed that normally people who suffer from bad adult acne would have problems with self-esteem and come across as shy and insecure individuals, including himself. Needless to say, I was all ears. Every word rang true to me. It was a start of my epiphany, my self-love journey.
So I went down this spiritual path, reading books, watching videos, gobbling up articles on spiritual causes of illnesses. I remember quite vividly reading a book our friend gifted us, “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle – the first time I discovered the idea of the “pain body”. Tolle explained that you are not your pain body. You are not your ego. You are not your hurt, grudge, resentment, fears. You are a free spirit. He told his story about his deep depression and how one day he just realised that the depression was a separate entity, and that he could be free from it if he could stay focused on being in tune with his soul, in the moment.
And as I was trying to focus on my spirit, I felt it. I felt how huge and heavy my pain body was. How long I’d been carrying around the weight of that enormous emotional and mental baggage. How it was dragging me down. Keeping me hostage. Stealing my life and myself from me. And, in fact, how light and bright my spirit was without all of that pain.
Knowing that my crazy breakouts were actually a way of my body, my spirit to cry for help and draw my attention to the chaos going on inside me, I knew I had to unpack that baggage making up my emotional and mental pain body, dismantle it and leave it behind. It didn’t even matter if I’d be able to achieve healthy skin again, I just wanted to free my soul and get in touch with it.
Another wonderful moment I experienced was when I found actual evidence of someone else being present in me. I found it online as well, this ritual when you look into your eyes in the mirror attentively and with love, and slowly tell yourself: “I am here for you and I am sorry I let you down. I love you and we will get through it together” – or anything you feel like saying to the most important and valuable person in your life, when you express your feelings for them for the first time. I mean it just broke me down. I knew that I’d been waiting for it for ages. I’d been waiting for me to tell myself I loved myself. To say sorry for all the shit I’d done to myself. Even now I’m crying, it was really emotional.
So there was no turning back, once I knew there was a beautiful pure soul who couldn’t wait to get out – may sound cheesy but I’m being sincere. I as a person am not perfect, I’m not entirely pure or great – but I can say with confidence that my spirit is because I saw it, I talked to it, I felt it.
Self-love did not exist in my life up until that point. But when it entered my life, I couldn’t be that old version of myself any longer. Spent the next two-three years unpacking a big chunk of trash from my being, and with every old spoilt and moldy emotion I let go of, I could see more of my true self. And I kept falling in love with this person, more and more with each day.
My pain ran as far back as my early childhood. Most of it was in my childhood. Getting to know myself also involved crying (a lot!!!), pillow screaming (sometimes it works a treat lol), affirmations, identifying and getting rid of limiting beliefs, finding and structuring my boundaries with people, being aware of my thoughts, feelings and motives behind my actions or reactions. Choosing myself over temptations, taking care of my physical body, nurturing and self-care (ok ok, taking baths in almond milk can be a part of self-love but believe it or not, it’s not required haha!). Self-care is not just spa, baths and smoothies – it’s actually just finding an hour to sit down with yourself and your thoughts, not judging, just letting yourself be.
Alright, some of you might be wondering whether my acne got any better. After the first “crying session”, when I lived through a really old memory of my mom questioning me why I couldn’t go to the swimming pool classes like the other kids, I woke up the next day and I was shocked to find that my skin looked a lot better. I kept at it, working on myself, but clear skin was not my goal. I wanted to be happy, express myself and feel free.
Lots of different techniques, many of which were just intuitive, went into my self-love work. It honestly changed my life. Every aspect of it. Relationships, work, health – I mean, it was a total makeover. But the best thing is, I wasn’t working on my relationships, or work, or health – I was working on self-love, understanding, knowing, valuing, and nurturing myself and my self only.
Something that for the longest time was a bad thing in my head (didn’t want to end up like my granddad “only loving myself”) actually turned out to be beneficial for everyone around me.
Of course, I’d be lying if I told you that oh now I love and accept myself fully, so I’ve done it all. No, it’s lifelong learning but it’s so enjoyable and awesome, even if challenging, scary or disappointing at times.
I now know that this is the best thing you can get in life – and imagining a world where everyone took responsibility for making oneself happy, I intend to share it with you in the best way possible.
If you want to join me, make sure to leave your email address below for more updates ❤️
Self-Love academy 