Dysfunctional relationships

Depp-Heard: what can I learn?

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Rumour has it that the spirit of the unfortunate bee helped Mr Depp win the case against Miss Heard

I’m not big on celebrity news but I am big on forming my own opinion when the majority seem to support just one side of a widely discussed narrative. It is a great exercise actually, when everyone says: “This is black and this is white“, if you always look for 50 shades of grey, you might discover a hundred. One hundred shades of grey is much more likely to develop one as a person, as a spiritual being, one’s intellect than two very distinct colours like white and black.

If you are like me and don’t just go with the recycled opinion that has already been formed for you by the majority and if you’re curious about the Depp-Heard affair, you’re in the right place – read on!

I won’t go into all of the details you’re already aware of. In short: one of the world’s most popular actors Johnny Depp, 52, married a lesser-known actress Amber Heard, 29, after they met on set of “The Rum Diary”. When the two first met the actor was in a relationship with a mother of his children Vanessa Paradis. About a year later, Heard filed for a divorce accusing Depp of physical, emotional and subsequently even sexual abuse. Depp refused to be called a “wife beater” and sued NGN for labelling him as such. Somehow he lost his claim in the UK. Afterwards, Heard wrote an op-ed in the Washington Post about her terrible experiences as a victim of domestic violence without mentioning Depp’s name but obviously implying he was the abuser who inspired her fight for women’s rights. Her ex-husband got sick of it and sued her for defamation. Yesterday the jury’s verdict was announced: Johnny Depp was in fact illegally defamed.

My thoughts:

1. Men can be victims of domestic violence, emotional, psychological and verbal abuse

Hurray! The jury’s verdict confirms that men are also human beings. Despite their alleged physical superiority and the society’s general belief that men are more violent and domineering, I don’t think there had ever been a similar case as broadcasted as this one. While I personally have no idea what actually happened between the two people I never met and don’t know in real life, I believe we should at least consider a possibility of men being abused in relationships if not as much than definitely not as rarely as we think.

Especially when it comes to verbal, emotional and psychological abuse. Yes, men are often physically stronger. However, women can be mentally stronger and psychologically – more manipulative. I don’t have the exact stats for you hence I’m not claiming that women are master manipulators and men beat them up for that. It is a possibility though that women can also be abusive towards men.

It’s important that we view ourselves not only as potential victims but also as potential abusers. This is the only way to become a better partner.

Self-Love Academy

Confession time! I think my behaviour could once be regarded as abusive: emotionally and psychologically. It’s not the nicest thing to admit but I was immature and full of fears, daddy issues and God-knows-what-else. I tried to control my partner by reading his private communications, expressing my distrust verbally and through being manipulative, invading his personal life and space. I didn’t even realise I was abusive. I was so convinced I was the victim (somehow!). His response was also questionable (he was never physically abusive!) but what can you do when you’re in a relationship with an unstable person! Which leads me nicely to the next points…

2. If you’re in a relationship with a toxic person, chances are, you also have unaddressed issues

Did someone force Johnny Depp to marry an abusive woman? Ok, suppose he didn’t know whom he was marrying. Did someone then force him to stay with her once he found out? He was 52 when he married her. Fifty-freaking-two. One could argue he was and is a grown-a$$ man who should know what he can and cannot tolerate. I believe he does take full responsibility for his own decisions though. He was not the one who dragged his ex-beloved through dirt in the first place. He just wanted to clear his name – according to himself, and rightly so.

However, the point is: I am personally not a fan of overusing the word “victim”. First of all, it’s an insult to the real victims. Victims can’t do anything about the unfortunate circumstances they find themselves in. While I don’t know anything about the real relationship between the celebrities in question, I don’t think Amber Heard ever clarified why she couldn’t just stand up and leave? Why did she continue the relationship if it was so detrimental to her health?

It’s not an attack though. This question: Why don’t you leave? Is the real f*cking question. It can change lives. Sometimes victims become victims because they had already been victims. Sorry, to put it simply: if one suffered unjust treatment in the past and didn’t address the emotional / psychological wounds that followed, it’s possible that the person builds an internal prison, which then affects their ability to stand up for themselves or exit unfavourable situations. I’m not a psychologist but I went through this myself. Low self-esteem led me to believe the things I was called were in fact true. That I indeed was inadequate and far from normal.

Long story short: if you feel like a victim, ask yourself: what stops me from being a victim? And I don’t mean the 3D reasons like finances, I mean is there anything inside you: pain, guilt or shame? Is this something you can address either yourself or with the support from an expert?

To be in a healthy relationship, one must first seek to build a healthy emotional, spiritual and mental relationship with themselves.

Self-Love Academy

3. Cancelling people is immature at best and kinda evil tbh

Who invented cancel culture?! One of the worst creations of our social media addicted / 5 seconds attention span / keyboard warriors era. Neither I, nor anyone is entitled to cancelling another human being for something we were not even involved in. Commenters are not justice. I am not justice. No matter what is going on in the pop culture and no matter how the media is portraying it, people seem to forget there is another PERSON receiving all of that hatred and abuse. We often don’t have all of the information to attack anyone on a personal level.

I think we can definitely support one person or the other based on our own judgements and beliefs in a manner that is respectful towards both sides. Trying to direct hatred towards someone you don’t know and never met is wrong if you ask me. I’m not a saint either yet I still believe it’s wrong. It’s worth asking ourselves: what is making me do this? Why do I feel that strongly about someone / something who / that has nothing to do with me personally? Am I projecting my pain…

No one can display perfect behaviour. Doesn’t mean anyone should be bullied. It was a personal relationship between two real people, who were unfortunate enough to see it go public. Bullying doesn’t help anyway. It only makes things worse. There was a famous person who was cyber-bullied to the point of suicide. And I’m sure there are more cases like her. Especially if both people experience mental health problems and/or disorders as was suggested during the trial…

In a world where you can be anything, be kind. (c)

4. It must be kinda lonely always needing to be right

Again, didn’t hold a candle, don’t know what happened exactly. However, if after a six-week trial there was not enough evidence to suggest Amber Heard was abused by her husband but there was some evidence to suggest she was abusive, it might be a good idea for the actress to self-reflect at least a little bit. To maybe reassess the way she portrays herself and their relationship, take some responsibility for the things she could’ve also done wrong as was apparently proven during the process.

It can be kinda lonely for people who must always be right, no matter what. I’m not sure if it applies to Heard but it could be a good takeaway for the public from the celebrity legal battle. If the whole world thinks you’re wrong, maybe it’s worth at least considering at least for a brief moment that maybe there is some truth to it (even if it turns out there isn’t, then addressing why doesn’t the world believe me?).

I used to think that the whole world was against me. I couldn’t make friends because everyone I met was kinda weird in one way or another. Up until the point when I realised that if there is always a problem with someone else, then maybe it’s actually me who is wrong? Yes, I was no longer the most perfect, the most righteous person but at least I was no longer lonely.

Instead of looking for what’s wrong with the world I began looking at myself. It was much more rewarding and empowering.

Self-Love Academy

In conclusion

I love it how we can learn from such weird things like celebrity news, dating shows and video games. How we can extract learnings to feed our own personal development from literally everything. Self-reflection is much more nourishing if you ask me than external judgement or simple entertainment.

It’s not about finding what’s wrong with me, it’s a fun and beneficial process of exploring yourself, understanding the world through self-reflection and realising that if I’m not so black and white, then maybe neither is the world?

I don’t feel guilty for being somewhat abusive in the past. It wasn’t really my fault as I was not aware of the harm I was causing, it was not intentional or malicious (plus I actually paid for my actions haha). Maybe neither is Amber Heard. Yes, she needs to own up to whatever she’s done. However, more than that, I think most would agree with me, everyone needs therapy. Good old therapy 🙂 That empowers one to be better instead of accepting the status quo of “I’ll just stay here in my misery”.

What are your takeaways from all this?

With love,

Self-Love Academy

Malignant shame

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Malignant shame and how to overcome it. Photo credit: cottonbro on pexels.com

I want to share something that has been hurting me my entire life and perhaps it might be relatable.

Shame and guilt.

I grew up witnessing people take advantage of my parents’ kindness and generosity. Whether it was their money, time, help, positive emotions – they used and abused it.

I don’t want to paint too dramatic a picture but it did affect me to the point that at 31 years of age, I feel incredibly stressed around people who I think might take advantage of me.
It is hard for me to trust people and I only want to do good things as long as it’s not at the expense of my own well-being.

When I was growing up, and guests would come visit (the kind of guests who I knew were not genuine), I would stay in my room refusing to come out and say hi.

Yes, it was a form of anti-social, weird behaviour.

And my parents shamed me for that big time. They used the word “nekrasivo”, which roughly translated from Russian means “impolite”.

Needless to say, I felt inadequate. I questioned whether I was doing the right thing or whether they were correct in calling out my actions. But I couldn’t make myself pretend I liked them. I just couldn’t. I still can’t pretend, all my emotions are written in bold caps lock all over my face and in my body language, my energy.

Many years past, none of those guests is our friend now. They got what they wanted and never had another reason to talk to us. Some of them were our relatives, some – friends, colleagues, business partners.

Yet my inadequate antisocial behaviour stayed with me. And instead of my parents I now have other people around me shaming me for that, saying I’m not “normal”, I’m not adequate, I’m impolite, I’m rude, I should be ashamed.

And it is true that I need to own up to my actions and admit that I don’t always treat people nicely because of my childhood. I am excessively cautious, sometimes excessively nice and then abruptly distant.

I need to work through it with an expert because it does affect my life and relationships with the loved ones, I might be hurting people’s feelings as a result, too.

However, I refuse to be shamed. I refuse to accept that I am an inadequate, antisocial, rude human being.

I refuse to feel guilt – taking responsibility is not a problem at all but feeling guilty for the pain I carry inside like every other person is not something I can subscribe to.

Instead of feeling guilty and ashamed, take responsibility. Don’t look back, look forward. You are enough.

Self-Love Academy

Nobody knows that I am my own biggest critic, harshest judge, that I sometimes drown in self-doubt especially after doing something that has even a 1% chance of hurting someone else.

There are still a lot of things I can improve about myself, and things I can get rid of as they’re not a genuine part of me but an acquired habit.

And I want everyone to know that while we may be imperfect and make mistakes, hurt others’ feelings unintentionally as a result of our own inner struggles, it is not really us. It’s our baggage. We at the core are enough, we are perfect.

And the more we accept ourselves as perfect and enough, adequate and normal, the better we become. No matter what anyone says or thinks, the only way out of shame, guilt and misery is knowing that I am enough. I am normal. What I feel is normal.

The only way to have a good relationship with the world and everyone in it is by accepting yourself the way you are, knowing yourself and cutting yourself some slack.

And accepting others as well, they are just the same.

I don’t identify myself with my acquired fears and emotional baggage. I do need to get rid of it because it’s not me, but the less I hurt myself the less I hurt others. The less I allow thoughts like “I’m rude, I’m weird, awkward blahblah”, the less I am any of those things. Instead, I can change the narrative to

“I’m empowered to be better and to let go of the fears that control me”.

Malignant, useless, unfair shame is not something you deserve. You deserve love, and, most importantly, self-love.

Sincerely Yours,

Self-Love Academy

Should we feel entitled in relationships?

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Should we feel entitled in a relationship? Credit: Eric Ward, Unsplash.com

Story 1.

“When I meet the man of my dreams, he will definitely treat me the way I deserve to be treated”.

“My ex was never good enough for me. I gave it all to him and he didn’t appreciate it”.

“Next time I will be smarter, I will choose wiser. I will set high standards because I’m worth it”.

Jenna’s ex was a typical narcissist. She fell in love with him at first sight. She was infatuated to the point she forgot about her personal life, her friends, family and hobbies. All she ever wanted was his attention. He didn’t seem to care, although deep inside his ego felt nice and cosy every time she would make a scene.

Their relationship was a merry-go-round. Only not so merry, and each time the carousel would enter a new round, it would get more and more sickly. Jenna, in pursuit of her boyfriend’s attention, would try to be the best woman one could ever imagine: breakfast in bed, clean apartment, expensive lingerie… Until she would start feeling that he was giving nothing in return. Or, rather, not what she wanted.

That’s when things would get ugly. His every move would annoy the hell out of Jenna. Everything he did was a reason for a long exhausting argument. The “full package” sort of argument: with tears, shouting, slamming doors, long conversations, silent treatment… That would get them nowhere. He didn’t understand what she wanted from him. He didn’t like the fact that she wanted something from him in the first place. Meanwhile, all she wanted was his undivided attention, understanding, love and care. Everything that she thought he couldn’t or wouldn’t give her.

Until one day he put an end to it. The benefits of having someone massage his ego no longer outweighed exhaustion from the emotional roller-coaster. She didn’t want to let him go. She cried, screamed, begged – made a fool out of herself. It made him really angry: he blocked her on social media and changed his number.

All of her friends told her he didn’t deserve her, that she would find the ONE who did. The ONE who would treat her like a princess, nothing less. After a while, she began to believe them. She knew it was not her fault her ex was such a prick.

And so, after a month of trying to get over her ex, she woke up a changed person. The queen who knows her worth. The woman capable of making any man happy beyond words. The woman who deserved the very best and loving man. Nothing would stop her from choosing the right one this time round. With this determination, she uploaded her best Snapchat photo to Tinder.

Story 2.

Date 1 was a standard Tinder date. The guy couldn’t help but talk about sex. He couldn’t help it, even though his messages prior to the date were as casual as Jenna’s old white T-shirt. She felt insulted and excused herself abruptly. After all, her man would never act so crude.

Dates 2 & 3 went fine. They were chatty, friendly yet boring. Too plain for Jenna. She needed a king, not an average Joe.

Date 4. Something she’d never expected. He was enormously attractive yet quite brusque. Plus, he disagreed with every word that came out of her mouth.

“Don’t you like it when your woman is fragile and vulnerable? Doesn’t it make you feel like a knight in shining armour?”

“What makes you think I want to be a knight in shining armour? I want an equal partner, not a damsel in distress”.

“But an equal partner is a woman, first and foremost. And women need someone who is stronger than them. Who can protect them. I think every woman wants to be treated like a queen”.

“I don’t believe in this “Protect me I’m weak” BS. Has it never crossed your mind that men also have weaknesses and need support?”

“But then if your partner supports you, doesn’t she also deserve to feel like you’ll take care of her and make her happy?”

“Oh girl. I’m not a “make my woman happy” type of guy. I don’t make anyone happy but myself”.

“What?! Do you realise how egocentric that sounds?!”

“Just as egocentric as “treat me like a queen” narrative”.

“Treating your woman like a queen is what every man should aspire to do! First, I really do deserve it. If you don’t think I know my worth, let me tell you upfront that I do. Second, happy wife means happy life – simple as that”.

“What you need to understand is nobody owes you anything. I’m not your instrument for making you happy. I’m not responsible for how you feel in life. Your problem is that you feel entitled to some kind of special treatment. Yet what I see in you is someone who got hurt, and hurt badly. You probably dated a guy who didn’t give you what you wanted. Now you’re just taking it out on the rest of the male population, thinking that by setting high standards, you’ll protect yourself. Thinking that telling every guy you meet that you know your worth will make them see your worth. That’s not how it works, you know.”

“Ok interesting! So tell me then, how does it work, huh? You seem to know-it-all!”

“First you don’t use other people as a bandage for your broken heart. You take time to heal and analyse. Second, have you even asked yourself if there was something wrong with you? Instead of blaming your ex for being so undeserving and such a jerk, have you ever considered taking responsibility for some of the sh*t that transpired between you two?”

“How am I supposed to take responsibility, when I was the one giving it all, when he was just taking me and all that I had to offer for granted?!”

“Ok, I see. Now I have a very important question for you”.

“Yeah?!”

“Did he ever ask you to give it all? Did he ever ask you to sacrifice your life, your hobbies, your time to make him happy? Did he ever look unhappy to you? To the point that you felt you had to make him happy? Did he ever tell you he needed a perfect girlfriend or did you just make it up in your own dreamy head?”

“That’s not the point, the guy didn’t treat me well and I’m not going to justify his arrogant egocentric behaviour. It’s not my fault he is a narcissist”.

“C’mon. He only accepted you for who you were. You wanted to take on a job of making him happy? You got it. He didn’t judge you for doing stuff he didn’t ask you to do. Anyway, I’m not the one to give you advice. I’m just saying if you can’t make yourself happy, don’t expect it from another person.”

“You clearly know nothing about women and how we desire to be valued and cherished. We are like flowers, if you don’t feed us with your attention, we die”.

“I know there are plants that don’t need watering yet they still thrive. I am one of them. And I wish you to either become one, too, or find your gardener. It was good to meet you, good night”.

Story 3.

Even though she thought long and hard about what Date 4 told her, the feelings his words triggered in her were too overwhelming. After a few conversations with friends who reassured her the guy was a barbarian, she felt better.

Especially when she met Ben. He agreed that she was a queen and admired her sense of self-worth that was communicated to him verbally within the first 30 minutes of their first date.

She was in the seventh heaven. She’d love to look in the face of Date 4 and savour three loud “ha”s. “Ha-ha-ha”, she would yell. You see, there are good men out there. They want to treat me like a queen. They know I’m worth it. However, she was so busy falling in love with Ben that Date 4 no longer occupied her mind.

Their romance soon turned into a more serious relationship. In the beginning, Ben was everything she’d ever dreamt of: a hopeless romantic, who wanted a family. He’d take her out, he’d plan the weekends, he’d bring flowers and try to surprise her. He’d ask her how she was and would really listen.

That’s why when it happened for the first time, she was shocked. Shortly after they moved in together, she began feeling anxious. Turns out, Jenna got tired of Ben’s attempts to keep her in a happy place. Turns out, Ben couldn’t handle Jenna when she felt down. It was not very helpful that she began feeling down often. Ben wanted Jenna to be happy all the time. Plus, he wanted to be around all the time as well. It’s as if his only purpose in life was to live happily together. To make sure Jenna lives her best life with him.

This type of dependency was exhausting. All she wanted was to be alone. She began experiencing a nagging feeling of absolute emptiness. Only this time, Ben couldn’t make it go away. Quite the opposite, his happy demeanour drove Jenna mad. Every attempt to identify the reason for the rapidly growing vacuum was unsuccessful.

Her conversation with Date 4 started haunting her. There was something deep inside that kept bringing it up. Only each time Date 4’s voice was growing louder in her head. Is he right? Is it true that no one can make me happy? Is it true that I destroyed my relationship? Is it true that there is something wrong with me, and not with the men I’m with?

Conclusion

Whether Jennas of the world arrive at the right decision or not, those who graduate from self-love academy (metaphorically speaking) know:

We are not entitled to anything in any relationship.

Entitlement means we let others do the work because we deserve it by default.

Entitlement clouds our mind and feeds our ego, not our spirit.

When we realise that nobody owes us anything, that’s when we free up enormous space for ourselves. Instead of focusing on how others treat you, focus on how you treat yourself and others. Blaming other people for your feelings of dissatisfaction and emptiness is counterproductive. Our happiness is our responsibility, no one else’s.

Of course, there are many caveats and nuances that come with each individual situation. Despite our differences, let’s remember that external world is only a mirror of our internal world. The love we receive from others is a reflection of love we give ourselves.

Sincerely yours,

Self-Love Academy.