Just realised that I often underestimate other people’s ability and responsibility to communicate to me what they like and dislike, what they agree and disagree with and their freewill to accept or reject.
As an overthinker who’s working towards being a balanced thinker 😆 I caught myself worrying about whether what I sent in a message to an old friend was appropriate.
Mind you, it wasn’t anything inappropriate lol. It was just a simple question but I forget that people can say Yes or No, or negotiate if they need to.
I often try to almost predict what sort of question would be the easiest for them to answer.
I guess it’s similar to when you try to chew the food for someone else 😄 instead of offering them to do it themselves.
I do it a lot. As in, chewing the food for others sort of thing. Stressing out about whether a person will be able to understand me 100%, or if someone I love is capable of looking after themselves. E.g. my parents know they can ask me for help and I remind them every time yet I still worry if I should help them without them asking. And of course sometimes it’s a lovely gesture but not at the expense of me constantly worrying.
And that’s silly. Nobody wants their food to be prechewed for them, so why should I try and make people so comfortable that they don’t have any space to challenge what I say or do, or disagree, or just simply have that practice to grow personally?
Could it be something to do with conflict avoidance? Yet conflicts are healthy. Every conflict is an opportunity to practice open communication and to reach genuine understanding.
No real worthy relationship is devoid of healthy conflict. One in which both parties communicate their preferences all the while giving each other space to have different preferences, and respect them. It’s my ability and my responsibility as a grown up to openly say what I want and don’t want, and explain why.
And if someone doesn’t do that, it’s not my responsibility to change their approach to conflict since I give them space to disagree.
Rumour has it that the spirit of the unfortunate bee helped Mr Depp win the case against Miss Heard
I’m not big on celebrity news but I am big on forming my own opinion when the majority seem to support just one side of a widely discussed narrative. It is a great exercise actually, when everyone says: “This is black and this is white“, if you always look for 50 shades of grey, you might discover a hundred. One hundred shades of grey is much more likely to develop one as a person, as a spiritual being, one’s intellect than two very distinct colours like white and black.
If you are like me and don’t just go with the recycled opinion that has already been formed for you by the majority and if you’re curious about the Depp-Heard affair, you’re in the right place – read on!
I won’t go into all of the details you’re already aware of. In short: one of the world’s most popular actors Johnny Depp, 52, married a lesser-known actress Amber Heard, 29, after they met on set of “The Rum Diary”. When the two first met the actor was in a relationship with a mother of his children Vanessa Paradis. About a year later, Heard filed for a divorce accusing Depp of physical, emotional and subsequently even sexual abuse. Depp refused to be called a “wife beater” and sued NGN for labelling him as such. Somehow he lost his claim in the UK. Afterwards, Heard wrote an op-ed in the Washington Post about her terrible experiences as a victim of domestic violence without mentioning Depp’s name but obviously implying he was the abuser who inspired her fight for women’s rights. Her ex-husband got sick of it and sued her for defamation. Yesterday the jury’s verdict was announced: Johnny Depp was in fact illegally defamed.
My thoughts:
1. Men can be victims of domestic violence, emotional, psychological and verbal abuse
Hurray! The jury’s verdict confirms that men are also human beings. Despite their alleged physical superiority and the society’s general belief that men are more violent and domineering, I don’t think there had ever been a similar case as broadcasted as this one. While I personally have no idea what actually happened between the two people I never met and don’t know in real life, I believe we should at least consider a possibility of men being abused in relationships if not as much than definitely not as rarely as we think.
Especially when it comes to verbal, emotional and psychological abuse. Yes, men are often physically stronger. However, women can be mentally stronger and psychologically – more manipulative. I don’t have the exact stats for you hence I’m not claiming that women are master manipulators and men beat them up for that. It is a possibility though that women can also be abusive towards men.
It’s important that we view ourselves not only as potential victims but also as potential abusers. This is the only way to become a better partner.
Self-Love Academy
Confession time! I think my behaviour could once be regarded as abusive: emotionally and psychologically. It’s not the nicest thing to admit but I was immature and full of fears, daddy issues and God-knows-what-else. I tried to control my partner by reading his private communications, expressing my distrust verbally and through being manipulative, invading his personal life and space. I didn’t even realise I was abusive. I was so convinced I was the victim (somehow!). His response was also questionable (he was never physically abusive!) but what can you do when you’re in a relationship with an unstable person! Which leads me nicely to the next points…
2. If you’re in a relationship with a toxic person, chances are, you also have unaddressed issues
Did someone force Johnny Depp to marry an abusive woman? Ok, suppose he didn’t know whom he was marrying. Did someone then force him to stay with her once he found out? He was 52 when he married her. Fifty-freaking-two. One could argue he was and is a grown-a$$ man who should know what he can and cannot tolerate. I believe he does take full responsibility for his own decisions though. He was not the one who dragged his ex-beloved through dirt in the first place. He just wanted to clear his name – according to himself, and rightly so.
However, the point is: I am personally not a fan of overusing the word “victim”. First of all, it’s an insult to the real victims. Victims can’t do anything about the unfortunate circumstances they find themselves in. While I don’t know anything about the real relationship between the celebrities in question, I don’t think Amber Heard ever clarified why she couldn’t just stand up and leave? Why did she continue the relationship if it was so detrimental to her health?
It’s not an attack though. This question: Why don’t you leave? Is the real f*cking question. It can change lives. Sometimes victims become victims because they had already been victims. Sorry, to put it simply: if one suffered unjust treatment in the past and didn’t address the emotional / psychological wounds that followed, it’s possible that the person builds an internal prison, which then affects their ability to stand up for themselves or exit unfavourable situations. I’m not a psychologist but I went through this myself. Low self-esteem led me to believe the things I was called were in fact true. That I indeed was inadequate and far from normal.
Long story short: if you feel like a victim, ask yourself: what stops me from being a victim? And I don’t mean the 3D reasons like finances, I mean is there anything inside you: pain, guilt or shame? Is this something you can address either yourself or with the support from an expert?
To be in a healthy relationship, one must first seek to build a healthy emotional, spiritual and mental relationship with themselves.
Self-Love Academy
3. Cancelling people is immature at best and kinda evil tbh
Who invented cancel culture?! One of the worst creations of our social media addicted / 5 seconds attention span / keyboard warriors era. Neither I, nor anyone is entitled to cancelling another human being for something we were not even involved in. Commenters are not justice. I am not justice. No matter what is going on in the pop culture and no matter how the media is portraying it, people seem to forget there is another PERSON receiving all of that hatred and abuse. We often don’t have all of the information to attack anyone on a personal level.
I think we can definitely support one person or the other based on our own judgements and beliefs in a manner that is respectful towards both sides. Trying to direct hatred towards someone you don’t know and never met is wrong if you ask me. I’m not a saint either yet I still believe it’s wrong. It’s worth asking ourselves: what is making me do this? Why do I feel that strongly about someone / something who / that has nothing to do with me personally? Am I projecting my pain…
No one can display perfect behaviour. Doesn’t mean anyone should be bullied. It was a personal relationship between two real people, who were unfortunate enough to see it go public. Bullying doesn’t help anyway. It only makes things worse. There was a famous person who was cyber-bullied to the point of suicide. And I’m sure there are more cases like her. Especially if both people experience mental health problems and/or disorders as was suggested during the trial…
In a world where you can be anything, be kind. (c)
4. It must be kinda lonely always needing to be right
Again, didn’t hold a candle, don’t know what happened exactly. However, if after a six-week trial there was not enough evidence to suggest Amber Heard was abused by her husband but there was some evidence to suggest she was abusive, it might be a good idea for the actress to self-reflect at least a little bit. To maybe reassess the way she portrays herself and their relationship, take some responsibility for the things she could’ve also done wrong as was apparently proven during the process.
It can be kinda lonely for people who must always be right, no matter what. I’m not sure if it applies to Heard but it could be a good takeaway for the public from the celebrity legal battle. If the whole world thinks you’re wrong, maybe it’s worth at least considering at least for a brief moment that maybe there is some truth to it (even if it turns out there isn’t, then addressing why doesn’t the world believe me?).
I used to think that the whole world was against me. I couldn’t make friends because everyone I met was kinda weird in one way or another. Up until the point when I realised that if there is always a problem with someone else, then maybe it’s actually me who is wrong? Yes, I was no longer the most perfect, the most righteous person but at least I was no longer lonely.
Instead of looking for what’s wrong with the world I began looking at myself. It was much more rewarding and empowering.
Self-Love Academy
In conclusion
I love it how we can learn from such weird things like celebrity news, dating shows and video games. How we can extract learnings to feed our own personal development from literally everything. Self-reflection is much more nourishing if you ask me than external judgement or simple entertainment.
It’s not about finding what’s wrong with me, it’s a fun and beneficial process of exploring yourself, understanding the world through self-reflection and realising that if I’m not so black and white, then maybe neither is the world?
I don’t feel guilty for being somewhat abusive in the past. It wasn’t really my fault as I was not aware of the harm I was causing, it was not intentional or malicious (plus I actually paid for my actions haha). Maybe neither is Amber Heard. Yes, she needs to own up to whatever she’s done. However, more than that, I think most would agree with me, everyone needs therapy. Good old therapy 🙂 That empowers one to be better instead of accepting the status quo of “I’ll just stay here in my misery”.
Malignant shame and how to overcome it. Photo credit: cottonbro on pexels.com
I want to share something that has been hurting me my entire life and perhaps it might be relatable.
Shame and guilt.
I grew up witnessing people take advantage of my parents’ kindness and generosity. Whether it was their money, time, help, positive emotions – they used and abused it.
I don’t want to paint too dramatic a picture but it did affect me to the point that at 31 years of age, I feel incredibly stressed around people who I think might take advantage of me. It is hard for me to trust people and I only want to do good things as long as it’s not at the expense of my own well-being.
When I was growing up, and guests would come visit (the kind of guests who I knew were not genuine), I would stay in my room refusing to come out and say hi.
Yes, it was a form of anti-social, weird behaviour.
And my parents shamed me for that big time. They used the word “nekrasivo”, which roughly translated from Russian means “impolite”.
Needless to say, I felt inadequate. I questioned whether I was doing the right thing or whether they were correct in calling out my actions. But I couldn’t make myself pretend I liked them. I just couldn’t. I still can’t pretend, all my emotions are written in bold caps lock all over my face and in my body language, my energy.
Many years past, none of those guests is our friend now. They got what they wanted and never had another reason to talk to us. Some of them were our relatives, some – friends, colleagues, business partners.
Yet my inadequate antisocial behaviour stayed with me. And instead of my parents I now have other people around me shaming me for that, saying I’m not “normal”, I’m not adequate, I’m impolite, I’m rude, I should be ashamed.
And it is true that I need to own up to my actions and admit that I don’t always treat people nicely because of my childhood. I am excessively cautious, sometimes excessively nice and then abruptly distant.
I need to work through it with an expert because it does affect my life and relationships with the loved ones, I might be hurting people’s feelings as a result, too.
However, I refuse to be shamed. I refuse to accept that I am an inadequate, antisocial, rude human being.
I refuse to feel guilt – taking responsibility is not a problem at all but feeling guilty for the pain I carry inside like every other person is not something I can subscribe to.
Instead of feeling guilty and ashamed, take responsibility. Don’t look back, look forward. You are enough.
Self-Love Academy
Nobody knows that I am my own biggest critic, harshest judge, that I sometimes drown in self-doubt especially after doing something that has even a 1% chance of hurting someone else.
There are still a lot of things I can improve about myself, and things I can get rid of as they’re not a genuine part of me but an acquired habit.
And I want everyone to know that while we may be imperfect and make mistakes, hurt others’ feelings unintentionally as a result of our own inner struggles, it is not really us. It’s our baggage. We at the core are enough, we are perfect.
And the more we accept ourselves as perfect and enough, adequate and normal, the better we become. No matter what anyone says or thinks, the only way out of shame, guilt and misery is knowing that I am enough. I am normal. What I feel is normal.
The only way to have a good relationship with the world and everyone in it is by accepting yourself the way you are, knowing yourself and cutting yourself some slack.
And accepting others as well, they are just the same.
I don’t identify myself with my acquired fears and emotional baggage. I do need to get rid of it because it’s not me, but the less I hurt myself the less I hurt others. The less I allow thoughts like “I’m rude, I’m weird, awkward blahblah”, the less I am any of those things. Instead, I can change the narrative to
“I’m empowered to be better and to let go of the fears that control me”.
Malignant, useless, unfair shame is not something you deserve. You deserve love, and, most importantly, self-love.
5 reasons why New Year resolutions fail. Image credit: freestocks.org
Whether you are giving New Year resolutions a pass this year (which I completely understand), you are probably reading this post for a reason. After all, we all set goals, and not just for the New Year. We want to know why we fail at achieving our New Year resolutions or goals, which happens to everyone and has happened to me A Million Times! Below are the 5 top reasons with real-life examples – and we can all find ourselves in them.
Reason 1: Setting unachievable goals
Claire really wants to lose weight. Swiping up her Instagram feed, she is constantly bombarded by the carefully-edited images of the so-called “influencers”. They all look glowing, healthy, rich, successful, stylish, beautiful and… fit. No wobbly bellies, zero cellulite, not a millimeter of loose skin. Perfection! Perfection everywhere. Having read a few inspiring stories of people who lost 150 Lbs, she makes a firm decision to start a new life in 2021. Strict diet, no food after 6pm, cardio exercises at least 3 times a week. And, of course, daily Instagram posts on her progress to stay motivated.
01.01.2021. Claire is deciding to stick to her new diet as soon as she runs out of pre-Christmas / New Year leftovers.
02.01.2021. Still lots of leftovers plus a huge bag of crisps she found in a cupboard. Instead of continuing with her plan of finishing it all up, Claire bins the remaining leftovers and leaves the bag of crisps in the hall, hoping someone will adopt it.
03.01.2021 – 06.01.2021. Claire’s been on track with her diet, no food after 6 pm and even went for a cheeky morning run. She is proud of herself but feeling very tired. After such a good start, she chooses to treat herself with a small pudding at 8pm while watching Netflix.
07.01.2021 – 10.01.2021. Claire is still trying to eat healthy and exercise every now and then. She is, however, finding it incredibly difficult. Thoughts like “Why do I have to change myself”, “Why do some people eat whatever the hell they want and nothing happens to their weight” and “I’m a loser” start popping up.
11.01.2021. It’s Claire’s best friend’s Birthday and she is invited to a party. Although she didn’t touch the food at the party, Claire comes back home, hating herself and the whole world. She finds a forgotten tub of ice cream in the freezer and finishes it all in one go. Feeling happy, she goes to bed, determined to try again next month, when there won’t be any Birthday parties or other annoying distractions.
What went wrong? Claire has never been on a diet for more than a week. She has never exercised for more than a month. She always eats right before going to bed. And she always feels bad when she sees fit women living their dream lives on Instagram. The truth is, most people cannot break their long-formed habits within a day. Especially if it’s more than one habit. Especially if a reason for breaking this habit is fundamentally wrong.
What could Claire do differently? An achievable goal like “Stop beating yourself up and come to terms with my own body” could lead to a much healthier start to the year. Other achievable goals like “Incorporate more fruit and veg into my diet”, “Try different gym classes to find what works for me” would help set Claire up for success at the end of 2021.
Reason 2: Setting goals that are outside of your control
Paul is determined to finally find a girlfriend this year. No more dating around, no more flirting and casual relationships. He wants something serious. He is ready for it. All of his friends are married with kids, he is the only bachelor left.
His New Year resolution number one: start a serious relationship. In order to meet someone, he downloads a dozen popular dating apps, registers on half of them and begins swiping left and right. After a few flirty chats, he reminds himself that he wants something serious this time. Meaning he must focus on getting to know someone as an individual.
After a week of chatting with lots of different women, he finally finds that one girl who comes across more serious and mature. She doesn’t want to meet until they learn more about each other. Paul is hopeful, so he continues their online conversation, generously sharing the details of his childhood and early adulthood. They develop a meaningful connection, and she is ready to take it offline.
Their first date has nothing to do with drinks, restaurants or cafes. He takes her out for a walk. Suzie turns out to be even better in real life. Paul even goes as far as to think she is a real “wife material”.
Six months down the line, they are in a relationship. It is difficult to say whether it’s serious because Suzie doesn’t want to plan too far ahead. Two months into their relationship, she bluntly stated that she is not ready for marriage or kids, at least not now. Half-way through Paul also discovered that Suzie is a very progressive woman, who favours an open relationship. Sitting alone on a sofa on a Friday night, Paul receives a text from Suzie: “Don’t wait for me tonight, I’m with someone. Dinner is in the fridge. xoxo”. Even though Paul was certain they could make this open relationship thing work, he is now certain this is a load of BS and he won’t put up with it a minute longer. He responds: “No worries. Please collect your stuff tomorrow and leave. xoxo”.
What went wrong? Paul set a goal, which was not entirely in his control. Yes, he can start a relationship. However, no matter how hard he tries, he cannot turn it into a “serious relationship” because it depends on another person. A living breathing person, who may come across mature and serious, but is in fact wanting a completely different life. It’s not the best idea to follow a scenario, trying to get to know another person, almost “screening” potential candidates to then actually find out that they are not who you thought they were. Perhaps it’s best to follow your heart? Who knows, but setting a goal to fall in love and get married can be counterproductive and result in disappointment.
What Paul could do differently? Paul could’ve set a goal, which would be entirely up to him to realise. For example: “Meet more interesting people, especially women”, “Understand what I want from a relationship”, “Get to know more women as individuals rather than casually”. The rest would be up to the Universe (or luck) 🙂
Reason 3. Setting goals and expecting someone else to achieve them for you
“New Year Resolution 1: start my own business“ – Fran was writing this phrase in her freshly refilled Filofax organiser for the third year in a row. She was angry and upset, thinking: “Why is it never working out for me?!”. She has recently found out that her friend Sarah opened her own coffee shop. It was almost physically painful for Fran to put a smile on her face when she heard the news. While she was hoping Sarah didn’t notice severe disappointment on her face, this feeling of guilt was overridden by an overwhelming sense of injustice. Why, God, why it was so easy for other people to start their business but not for her?! After all, she’s been waiting to become an independent successful businesswoman for the past 5 years! 2 years before she started believing in those stupid New Year resolutions, which never work anyway.
Deep in her depression, Fran was struggling to keep herself motivated at work. “I hate 9-5”, she thought. Every morning she was dreading yet another day of working for someone other than herself. When Fran finally decided to do something about it, she booked her first psychotherapy session on an aggregator site. Therapist, a lovely woman in her mid-30s, turned out to have her own practice. Fran smiled ironically: “What are the chances!”. She would’ve preferred to be seen by someone who is an employee, just like Fran, not a business owner.
While she enjoyed the first two sessions, she then began getting frustrated with questions like “What do you think stops you from starting your own business?”, “What do you think causes you to envy your friends who run their own business?”, “What limiting beliefs do you have about achieving success?”. It was too much for her; and it was all irrelevant. Fran didn’t have a rich husband or wealthy parents to sponsor her business, she doesn’t have business education as her parents wanted her to study law, she has no clue where to start and she’s an introvert who can’t just simply build a network in any industry! No, the reason she went to a psychotherapist was because she needed an answer to a completely different question: “Why am I so unlucky and why am I so undeserving, otherwise why are everyone else’s dreams come true but mine never do?!”.
It’s December again. After a few unsuccessful applications for the positions of a co-founder, Fran gave up. She was certain that if it was meant to be, it would have flown into her hands. The opportunity to start her own business would’ve fallen from the sky. Isn’t that how it works?!
What went wrong? Fran confused New Year resolutions with a letter to Santa. She never wanted to start her own business. She wanted someone to hand it to her. Preferably, on a plate. Fran got used to taking the passenger seat in her life, avoiding responsibility, and instead miserably (yet comfortably) living in a victim mode. As an undeserving, unworthy individual, who could never start her own business – because life was unfair like that.
What Fran could do differently? A trip to a psychotherapist would probably be an adequate first step. Fran doesn’t believe in herself and is full of fears when it comes to taking responsibility for her own life. Her achievable resolutions could be “To start believing in myself – find a psychotherapist and read self-help books”, “To create a step-by-step plan of starting my own business”, “To register a company”, “Research how to start a business from scratch”, “To attend industry events”, “Save up £x and build a website”. For someone like Fran, who has almost never taken charge of her life, a goal that asks her to start a business is not achievable – it is simply too big and too scary to grasp. Plus, a New Year resolution is unlikely to be ticked off a list if you expected someone else to make it happen for you.
Reason 4. Setting goals that are not yours
Toby has decided that this year will be the year he finds a stable job. His girlfriend Linda is not just an angel he is madly in love with, she is also a very demanding angel. Linda’s been complaining about them not having a stable income that would allow them to save enough money for a Euro-trip. She is obsessed with the idea of buying a camper van and travelling around Europe for a whole year before they found a perfect place for them to settle down, get married and have kids.
He is very understanding of the fact that Linda is still a student at a School of Arts, she cannot drop out just to find a full-time job. Toby, on the other hand, is a grown-ass man (this February he will turn 30) who has been freelancing for the past 2 years. While freelancing is helping him pay his bills and more, he can never save up. With his education and experience, he could find a well-paid full-time job fairly easily. Toby’s tried working in an office before and he knew how much he hated it. However, if it’s just for a year or two, and if it’s something that will make Linda happy, he can manage. It’s not all that bad.
After the first three interviews, Toby’s confidence almost vanished. He started questioning whether a corporate job was really worth it. Coming back home to Linda, who would normally encourage him to keep going because “Imagine how great it would be to travel around Europe together, babe, it’s just for a few years!”, he’d try to cheer himself up. Yes, it is motivating enough. He wants to travel around Europe together with Linda. He hates driving but he loves Linda.
Linda was right, Toby found a job within a month of starting the application process. He was a good specialist, and while the freelance market for his expertise was very competitive, the job market was different. His first day at work was full of introductions and small talk – two things he could not stand. Toby has always been an introvert who strongly preferred working independently. Come evening, he felt shattered. “Only a year or two” felt almost like a prison sentence to him at that moment. He remembered all of the reasons why he left his first corporate job and never looked back.
He had to tell Linda that he couldn’t do it for her. Linda flipped out. Accused him of being an egocentric fool who lacked any ambition in life. His heart dropped when he heard those words. His previous girlfriend used to tell him the same thing, that he was not ambitious enough and his freelance work was the main reason she would never start a family with him. Suddenly he realised that the Euro-trip was never appealing to him. He realised he did not want to go against his truth to please someone, especially someone who is supposed to love and accept him the way he is.
What went wrong? Toby set a goal that was not his goal to begin with. He did not want a full-time job. While in this example it was clear that it was his girlfriend’s influence that made him set this New Year resolution, sometimes it’s not that easy to pinpoint whose influence we’re under when setting irrelevant goals. For example, in the beginning of the year you may think you want to get a driving licence but in reality you don’t want it but you think you must get it because everyone else your age has it. The likelihood of achieving a goal that is not in line with your heart’s desires is very low in any case.
What Toby could do differently? If Toby really wanted to save up for a Euro-trip with his girlfriend, he could’ve tried to figure out how they could do it together. Resolutions like “Find additional income sources”, “Find a part-time job”, “Advertise online to bring new clients” would be a lot better than taking sole responsibility for their dream, which also implies completely changing his preferred way of living. A general rule of thumb though is to avoid setting goals that are dictated by someone other than yourself.
Reason 5. Setting goals when you don’t love yourself
Marion’s girlfriend broke up with her on New Year’s eve. That led to Marion spending the whole night crying her eyes out. Why do all of her girlfriends break up with her around this time of year?! On the 1st of Jan, after a dreadful night and 30 minutes of sleep, Marion woke up broken-hearted yet determined for this year to be different. This year she will make all of her past girlfriends regret their decision to leave her. She will become a completely different person.
“Cut and dye my hair”, “Become the best kick-ass kickboxer ever” (having never kickboxed before), “Find a new cool job in tech”, “Rhinoplasty”, “Read at least 5 books a month, attend art exhibitions, watch indie films”, “Become confident and find new cool friends”… Marion’s list was incredibly ambitious. All of her resolutions were aimed at becoming a new person. Someone she was imagining to be a lot better than her. Someone who was worthy of a long-lasting relationship. Someone… who wasn’t her.
As she was daydreaming about this amazing new person she was planning to turn into, a little girl inside her was sobbing. Forgotten, neglected and bullied, this little Marion was clueless as to why she was not enough. She never understood what was wrong with her; why everyone, starting from her parents, wanted nothing to do with her. Was it because she was shorter than most other girls? Was it because she wore a silly ponytail? Was it because her nose seemed too big to her? Was it because she was not interesting, leading a normal life? Or was it because she was gay that her parents stopped talking to her…
As her subconscious was processing this information, a painful thought crossed Marion’s mind… Would it help if she added “Date a guy” to her New Year resolutions? Perhaps this could make her parents regret leaving her… As this idea was growing bigger in her head, Marion left any and every interest in her freshly produced New Year resolutions. She lay down on the floor, curled up, tears creating a small puddle under her head. “So, the only way to make people love me is become someone else entirely?”…
Spoiler alert: Marion never reached her New Year goals and is happy about that. Funnily enough, despite failing to keep her NY resolutions, that year she met the most wonderful person, with whom she built a lifelong loving relationship. Her ex-girlfriends envied that girl as she seemed so effortlessly happy. Even her parents met her new partner and, surprisingly, they loved her and accepted her into their family. The name of that awesome girl is Marion.
On that beautiful note, I wish you all to love yourself, take charge of your life, and enjoy life with or without New Year resolutions 🙂
Should we feel entitled in a relationship? Credit: Eric Ward, Unsplash.com
Story 1.
“When I meet the man of my dreams, he will definitely treat me the way I deserve to be treated”.
“My ex was never good enough for me. I gave it all to him and he didn’t appreciate it”.
“Next time I will be smarter, I will choose wiser. I will set high standards because I’m worth it”.
Jenna’s ex was a typical narcissist. She fell in love with him at first sight. She was infatuated to the point she forgot about her personal life, her friends, family and hobbies. All she ever wanted was his attention. He didn’t seem to care, although deep inside his ego felt nice and cosy every time she would make a scene.
Their relationship was a merry-go-round. Only not so merry, and each time the carousel would enter a new round, it would get more and more sickly. Jenna, in pursuit of her boyfriend’s attention, would try to be the best woman one could ever imagine: breakfast in bed, clean apartment, expensive lingerie… Until she would start feeling that he was giving nothing in return. Or, rather, not what she wanted.
That’s when things would get ugly. His every move would annoy the hell out of Jenna. Everything he did was a reason for a long exhausting argument. The “full package” sort of argument: with tears, shouting, slamming doors, long conversations, silent treatment… That would get them nowhere. He didn’t understand what she wanted from him. He didn’t like the fact that she wanted something from him in the first place. Meanwhile, all she wanted was his undivided attention, understanding, love and care. Everything that she thought he couldn’t or wouldn’t give her.
Until one day he put an end to it. The benefits of having someone massage his ego no longer outweighed exhaustion from the emotional roller-coaster. She didn’t want to let him go. She cried, screamed, begged – made a fool out of herself. It made him really angry: he blocked her on social media and changed his number.
All of her friends told her he didn’t deserve her, that she would find the ONE who did. The ONE who would treat her like a princess, nothing less. After a while, she began to believe them. She knew it was not her fault her ex was such a prick.
And so, after a month of trying to get over her ex, she woke up a changed person. The queen who knows her worth. The woman capable of making any man happy beyond words. The woman who deserved the very best and loving man. Nothing would stop her from choosing the right one this time round. With this determination, she uploaded her best Snapchat photo to Tinder.
Story 2.
Date 1 was a standard Tinder date. The guy couldn’t help but talk about sex. He couldn’t help it, even though his messages prior to the date were as casual as Jenna’s old white T-shirt. She felt insulted and excused herself abruptly. After all, her man would never act so crude.
Dates 2 & 3 went fine. They were chatty, friendly yet boring. Too plain for Jenna. She needed a king, not an average Joe.
Date 4. Something she’d never expected. He was enormously attractive yet quite brusque. Plus, he disagreed with every word that came out of her mouth.
“Don’t you like it when your woman is fragile and vulnerable? Doesn’t it make you feel like a knight in shining armour?”
“What makes you think I want to be a knight in shining armour? I want an equal partner, not a damsel in distress”.
“But an equal partner is a woman, first and foremost. And women need someone who is stronger than them. Who can protect them. I think every woman wants to be treated like a queen”.
“I don’t believe in this “Protect me I’m weak” BS. Has it never crossed your mind that men also have weaknesses and need support?”
“But then if your partner supports you, doesn’t she also deserve to feel like you’ll take care of her and make her happy?”
“Oh girl. I’m not a “make my woman happy” type of guy. I don’t make anyone happy but myself”.
“What?! Do you realise how egocentric that sounds?!”
“Just as egocentric as “treat me like a queen” narrative”.
“Treating your woman like a queen is what every man should aspire to do! First, I really do deserve it. If you don’t think I know my worth, let me tell you upfront that I do. Second, happy wife means happy life – simple as that”.
“What you need to understand is nobody owes you anything. I’m not your instrument for making you happy. I’m not responsible for how you feel in life. Your problem is that you feel entitled to some kind of special treatment. Yet what I see in you is someone who got hurt, and hurt badly. You probably dated a guy who didn’t give you what you wanted. Now you’re just taking it out on the rest of the male population, thinking that by setting high standards, you’ll protect yourself. Thinking that telling every guy you meet that you know your worth will make them see your worth. That’s not how it works, you know.”
“Ok interesting! So tell me then, how does it work, huh? You seem to know-it-all!”
“First you don’t use other people as a bandage for your broken heart. You take time to heal and analyse. Second, have you even asked yourself if there was something wrong with you? Instead of blaming your ex for being so undeserving and such a jerk, have you ever considered taking responsibility for some of the sh*t that transpired between you two?”
“How am I supposed to take responsibility, when I was the one giving it all, when he was just taking me and all that I had to offer for granted?!”
“Ok, I see. Now I have a very important question for you”.
“Yeah?!”
“Did he ever ask you to give it all? Did he ever ask you to sacrifice your life, your hobbies, your time to make him happy? Did he ever look unhappy to you? To the point that you felt you had to make him happy? Did he ever tell you he needed a perfect girlfriend or did you just make it up in your own dreamy head?”
“That’s not the point, the guy didn’t treat me well and I’m not going to justify his arrogant egocentric behaviour. It’s not my fault he is a narcissist”.
“C’mon. He only accepted you for who you were. You wanted to take on a job of making him happy? You got it. He didn’t judge you for doing stuff he didn’t ask you to do. Anyway, I’m not the one to give you advice. I’m just saying if you can’t make yourself happy, don’t expect it from another person.”
“You clearly know nothing about women and how we desire to be valued and cherished. We are like flowers, if you don’t feed us with your attention, we die”.
“I know there are plants that don’t need watering yet they still thrive. I am one of them. And I wish you to either become one, too, or find your gardener. It was good to meet you, good night”.
Story 3.
Even though she thought long and hard about what Date 4 told her, the feelings his words triggered in her were too overwhelming. After a few conversations with friends who reassured her the guy was a barbarian, she felt better.
Especially when she met Ben. He agreed that she was a queen and admired her sense of self-worth that was communicated to him verbally within the first 30 minutes of their first date.
She was in the seventh heaven. She’d love to look in the face of Date 4 and savour three loud “ha”s. “Ha-ha-ha”, she would yell. You see, there are good men out there. They want to treat me like a queen. They know I’m worth it. However, she was so busy falling in love with Ben that Date 4 no longer occupied her mind.
Their romance soon turned into a more serious relationship. In the beginning, Ben was everything she’d ever dreamt of: a hopeless romantic, who wanted a family. He’d take her out, he’d plan the weekends, he’d bring flowers and try to surprise her. He’d ask her how she was and would really listen.
That’s why when it happened for the first time, she was shocked. Shortly after they moved in together, she began feeling anxious. Turns out, Jenna got tired of Ben’s attempts to keep her in a happy place. Turns out, Ben couldn’t handle Jenna when she felt down. It was not very helpful that she began feeling down often. Ben wanted Jenna to be happy all the time. Plus, he wanted to be around all the time as well. It’s as if his only purpose in life was to live happily together. To make sure Jenna lives her best life with him.
This type of dependency was exhausting. All she wanted was to be alone. She began experiencing a nagging feeling of absolute emptiness. Only this time, Ben couldn’t make it go away. Quite the opposite, his happy demeanour drove Jenna mad. Every attempt to identify the reason for the rapidly growing vacuum was unsuccessful.
Her conversation with Date 4 started haunting her. There was something deep inside that kept bringing it up. Only each time Date 4’s voice was growing louder in her head. Is he right? Is it true that no one can make me happy? Is it true that I destroyed my relationship? Is it true that there is something wrong with me, and not with the men I’m with?
Conclusion
Whether Jennas of the world arrive at the right decision or not, those who graduate from self-love academy (metaphorically speaking) know:
We are not entitled to anything in any relationship.
Entitlement means we let others do the work because we deserve it by default.
Entitlement clouds our mind and feeds our ego, not our spirit.
When we realise that nobody owes us anything, that’s when we free up enormous space for ourselves. Instead of focusing on how others treat you, focus on how you treat yourself and others. Blaming other people for your feelings of dissatisfaction and emptiness is counterproductive. Our happiness is our responsibility, no one else’s.
Of course, there are many caveats and nuances that come with each individual situation. Despite our differences, let’s remember that external world is only a mirror of our internal world. The love we receive from others is a reflection of love we give ourselves.
Self-Love academy 