Sometimes (perhaps, most times!) loving yourself also means loving your demons. Gently embracing your dark side. Coming to terms with an enormous variety of personas, all of whom form a unique and wonderful You.

1. Theory

Not so long ago, I sat down in a circle of like-minded people to share tea in silence. It was not my first experience of a silent tea ceremony and every time it led me to interesting discoveries. There is something extremely special about the need to stay still and sip tea slowly, mindfully – no matter how you feel inside, you can’t disturb others or rush the experience.

This time, I feel particularly restless. My mind is overflowing with thoughts as I am setting an intention to let go. Why do I want to let go? You see, I had been looking for a job for a long time with no luck and numerous rejections. As a result, my anxiety related to job search continued to grow. Together with the number of negative thoughts and paralysing fears. If it goes on like this, I thought to myself, it won’t be long until I hit rock bottom.

Incessant thinking does not seem to stop as I am finishing my second cup of tea. I still have time to relax and enjoy it. However, will the thoughts go away or are my attempts at stopping them futile? I begin worrying about failing to feel peaceful and failing to let go, relax. I’d hoped that the tea ceremony would bring me much needed serenity. If it won’t, I don’t know what will.

As I was sinking deeper into my troubling thoughts and feelings, an image came to my mind. I pictured my overactive mind as a wild black horse, galloping in a green field, with a rapidly approaching storm in the background. I tried to catch the horse, stop it, shout at it – pointless. It was only becoming wilder and more hostile, while I was feeling increasingly frustrated by it.

A few cups later and many attempts of catching the horse in my imagination, it dawned on me: let go. Don’t try to stop it. Embrace it. Accept it. It is a part of you, so it is never going away. Why don’t you show it some love? Why are you trying to fight it instead of surrendering to it? 

The moment I thought that and felt love for this troubled wild horse, it approached me. I gently touched its head and embraced it. I whispered: “I understand you, you have the right to feel what you feel and think what you think. It’s not been easy for you. I’m sorry for rejecting and blaming you – I accept you as part of me”. This moment brought tears into my eyes as I could feel the horse’s gratitude for accepting it, giving it love and thereby freeing both of us. A moment later, it galloped gracefully into a softly glowing sunrise. I smiled at a sense of complete tranquillity inside.

What did this spiritual awakening teach me? Our dark side needs love, too. It needs understanding. Yes, it can trouble us, make us feel miserable, drive us into deep depressions and raise our stress levels to the limits. However, denying it, fighting it, rejecting it will only make things worse. After all, there is a reason for its existence and a very sound one.

So remember this next time you find yourself possessed by some form of negativity and darkness. Open your heart to it, realise the fact that every thought and emotion is valid because we are humans, who are made up of yin and yang, good and bad, happy and sad. Love your negativity, talk to it as if it was your beloved friend in an urgent need of kindness and understanding. 

After all, as Martin Luther King rightly taught us: “Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.”

2. Practice

It might sound very good and simple in theory. However, when it comes to practice, many of us struggle to understand what it might actually entail. In this section of the article you can find an example of how you can potentially incorporate this practice into your life. 

Prior to providing the example, a few things to clarify: “dark side” refers to our thoughts and feelings rather than habitual harmful behaviours towards oneself and others. When it comes to persistent harmful behaviours, it is important to seek help from a certified professional as causes are likely to be complex. 

Secondly, accepting does not mean endorsing. It means dissolving it. When a negative feeling / thought / emotion is surrounded by strong positive vibes, it will eventually transform into a more beneficial experience.

Example: Alice & Anxiety

There are times in everyone’s life when something starts bothering us. Whether it’s a problem that seems impossible to resolve, or a highly anticipated outcome, or a number of issues that weigh heavily on our shoulders… Anxiety tends to build up over time as we ignore troubling thoughts or try to shake them off. It is only natural to avoid or postpone facing difficulties. The only trouble here is that these thoughts and feelings rarely go away on their own.

Let’s take a more specific example. Alice is afraid of flying. However, she can’t escape it as her new job requires taking frequent business trips. Moreover, her new manager reminds her a lot of her previous manager, whom she did not like but couldn’t exactly pinpoint the reason for it. Finally, she’s been putting off calling her mom as she’s been feeling overwhelmed with everything else. A few weeks later Alice’s anxiety is reaching peak levels as her first business trip with her new manager is fast approaching and she’s feeling increasingly guilty for not calling her mother. What should Alice do based on the theory of “embracing your dark side”?

Step 1. Alice needs to make time for herself. Book this time in her calendar and make sure that she’s not disturbed or distracted. 

Step 2. She writes down all of the troubling thoughts that have been playing non-stop in the background and consuming a lot of her energy, resulting in low productivity and even more anxiety. 

Step 3. Time to examine each thought in detail. She begins with the fear of flying. First of all, come to terms with the presence of this fear. Yes, I am afraid of flying. I want to understand why. Alice asks herself the following questions: what is this fear? When did it first occur? What was it related to? What exactly makes me anxious about the idea of taking a flight? What are the reasons for my anxiety? What happens if something does go wrong? What are the best and the worst case scenarios? Is my fear rational or irrational? What can I do to make it easier for me?

Step 4. Once a thought and related feelings are examined, it’s time to embrace them. Try to relate to your fear as if it was your friend. Understand it. Yes, we are all afraid of certain things and it’s perfectly OK. Yes, you might never fully overcome this fear and it’s also OK. Your fear is OK. And so are you. Give your imaginary fear or anxious thought an imaginary hug, ask for its forgiveness and forgive it. 

Step 5. Alice proceeds to apply the same principle to her worries about the manager and the feeling of guilt for not calling her mom. As for the manager, she realises that he talks to her in a strict and demanding manner, as if he was her teacher or parent. This makes her feel uncomfortable: first of all, she is not a child. Secondly, she doesn’t want to be micromanaged as Alice doesn’t perform at her best when she is. She works on embracing these feelings, understanding their validity and decides to discuss her views and feelings in an open, diplomatic yet firm way.

Step 6. Feeling guilty about postponing important tasks is wrong. Guilt neither helps you accomplish anything nor simplifies the situation. All it does is adds to anxiety. Nevertheless it is absolutely fine to feel guilty about not calling loved ones. They matter to you and you want to let them know you’re safe, as well as find out how they are doing. It is also OK not to call them anyway because you’ve been busy and overwhelmed. Thankfully, there is a simple solution to this problem: Alice forgives herself for not calling her mom and for feeling guilty. She understands that as a human being it’s impossible to be a perfect daughter and a perfect person. Then she counts down from 5 to 0 and dials mom’s number.

Conclusion

On a final note, here is a 5 minute practice (that was kindly shared by The Crystal Tarot Girl on her YouTube channel) for the times when you’re on the go and can’t afford to sit down and analyse your feelings in detail:

• Sit down somewhere quiet (could even a bathroom)
• Breathe in and out a few times to feel more grounded
• Close your eyes and place both hands on your chest (over your heart)
• Say “I acknowledge part of me is feeling *describe, e.g. “sad”* about *describe, e.g. “an argument with a friend”* and I choose to let these feelings flow through me freely, right now
• Deep breath in and out, then gently open your eyes, look at yourself kindly and with understanding (as if you’re the Puss in Boots from Shrek)

Hope the above theory and practice will help you on your journey to loving your dark side 🙂

Sincerely yours,

Self-Love Academy